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Author Topic: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]  (Read 189761 times)

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Offline that_punk_guy

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #704 from previous page: February 09, 2005, 05:44:13 PM »
Quote
Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
How do you shower then?


I don't!

I have a bath. ;-)

 

Offline X-ray

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #705 on: February 09, 2005, 08:35:49 PM »
Five guys in an Audi Quattro arrived at a border checkpoint. The officer stops them and tells them:
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the driver.
"Quattro means four" replies the officer.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies the officer "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the officer, "he is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
 
 

Offline X-ray

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #706 on: February 09, 2005, 08:47:45 PM »
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
 

Offline X-ray

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #707 on: February 09, 2005, 08:51:01 PM »
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "Because I f*cking didn't"
 

Offline Karlos

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #708 on: February 09, 2005, 08:54:11 PM »
That was in the original groaners corner someplace ;-)

I remember posting it :lol:
int p; // A
 

Offline X-ray

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #709 on: February 09, 2005, 09:20:09 PM »
Well, it's mine noooo, ye hear me big maan? I dinae wade through pages an' pages of jokes on mah other website tah hear ye whine aboot postin' it earlier. It's mine. Ah grrrrawner! I am it's daddy!
 

Offline Karlos

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #710 on: February 09, 2005, 09:25:43 PM »
I think that groaners' daddy died long before either of us were born :lol:
int p; // A
 

Offline X-ray

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #711 on: February 09, 2005, 09:28:04 PM »
It's a good one. I can see why you would have posted it.
 

Offline graffias79

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #712 on: February 10, 2005, 05:52:50 AM »
A man went to get his driver's license renewed.  The line inched along for almost an hour until the man got his license.  He inspected his photo for a moment and he commented to the clerk,

"I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture"

The clerk looked at his picture closely.

"It's ok," he reassured the man.  "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
 

Offline Star69

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #713 on: February 10, 2005, 10:56:22 AM »
The following 50 points are probably the reasons why Gazza never fulfilled
>his full potential...even if you don't follow football this is worth a
>read!!
>
>1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker
>and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit...
>boots included.
>
>2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse:
>"Church Of England."
>
>3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand"a go" on a
>workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded
>the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.
>
>4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money
>move to the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that
>he reminded him of Russ Abbot.
>
>5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of
augmenting
>team line-ups with footage of each player mouthing his own name.
>Gascoigne's
>genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'f***ing
>w***ker.'  Broadcasters across the world had to use it all the way
through
>the tournament.
>
>6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate
>Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.
>
>7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England's
>upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off, Norway."
>Then ran off laughing.
>
>8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby
>Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out
of
>his sock.
>
>9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped
>enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000.
>
>10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair extensions.
>Looked
>a fool and had them taken out a day later.
>
>11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to
>the hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton.'
>
>12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in
>London's Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus
>driver said yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's
>impromptu performance.
>
>13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after
>the infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.
>
>14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew
to
>be a transvestite.
>
>15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during his career. On one
>occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his
>hand high to signal a free kick.
>
>16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove
>that refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after
>the official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was
>booked for his troubles.
>
>17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled
>the beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that
>his doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the
>Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98.
>One
>reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable
>response:"I feel like a kebab with onions."
>
>18) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack
>Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous
>angler to give him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton
>promptly threw all
but
>the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown
>into the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a
>whopper.
>Lesson over.
>
>19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took
>Kevin Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the
>Newcastle Underground.
>
>20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed
>Enzo Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he
>was play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one
>leg with his tongue lolling out.
>
>21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a
>post-season tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at
>home. An
emotional
>Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to bring
>it to the airport.
>
>22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from Italia
>90 by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the
>legend 'Gazza.'
>
>23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak
>Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish
>Chef.
>
>24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped out
the
>filling and replaced it with cat excrement.
>
>25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his
training
>socks and ordered lunch.
>
>26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of
>Dunston, then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for
>local
kids.
>
>27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with
>a few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the
>shoulder
of
>a
>diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the
>shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod
>him in the cheek.
>
>28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he
>informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and
>knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife
inside
>that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred
>Daz or Omo.
>
>29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and
>caused £310,000 worth of damage.
>
>30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard Gough.
>
>31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the
>burly boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the
>bridge of his nose for five seconds........Jimmy could. Twice.
>
>32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new interest.
>Picked bingo.
>
>33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five
>Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."
>
>34) Was banned from Liverpool's Cream nightclub in advance within days
>of joining Everton last summer, because the Evertonians who run the
>place wanted him to avoid temptation and stay fit.
>
>35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important
>tournament by playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday
>sun.
>
>36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before
>the
>1991 FA Cup Final.
>
>37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown,
Oliver
>Hardy and Braveheart for photo opportunities.
>
>38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough, marched
>into a Sheffield barber shop and demanded "a Waddle cut."
>
>39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the
deal
>with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in
Hadley
>Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met
>then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to
>thank you for the best three days of our lives"
>
>40) Was asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests
>were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the
>duck pond.
>
>41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder
>the slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The
>minder thought he'd committed suicide.
>
>42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with
>a cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers."
>
>43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then
>farting at ear-splitting volume.
>
>44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number
>13 that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together.
>Oddly,
the
>combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.
>
>45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh."
>
>46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in
his
>four-wheel drive Jeep.
>
>47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did not.
>Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read: 'Gazza's
Boys,We
>Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer.'
>
>48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a banner
>which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta.'
>
>49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with
>virtually every member of the Genoa side.
>
>50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon
>for breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and
>there's no bloody bacon!"


 

Offline Vincent

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #714 on: February 10, 2005, 12:16:02 PM »
@x-ray

You're getting there - the bar one is a groaner :-P

@graffias & star69

:lol:
Xbox360
"Oh no. Everytime you turn up something monumental and terrible happens.
I don\'t think I have the stomach for it." - Raziel
 

Offline WilseTopic starter

Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #715 on: February 10, 2005, 10:05:00 PM »
That Gazza stuff was posted here before.

Then again, this probably was too:

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
 
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Offline Star69

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #716 on: February 11, 2005, 12:38:58 PM »
The winners of the M-LAW competition for wackiest
warning label of the year,
posted at New Scientist.com:

1st Prize
Do Not Use For Personal Hygiene
- on a toilet brush

2nd Prize
This Product Moves When Used
- on a child's scooter

Previous Winners have included:

* Remove Child Before Folding
- on a baby buggy

* Once Used Rectally, Thermometer Should Not Be Used Orally
- on a digital thermometer

* Never Remove Food Or Other Items From
The Blades While The Product Is Operating
- on an electric hand blender

* Harmful If Swallowed
- on a three-pronged brass fishing lure.

* Do Not Use This Product As A Toy, Pillow, Or Flotation Device
- on a bag of air used as a packing material

* Do Not Use As A Ladder
- on a 30cm tall CD rack

* Never Iron Clothes While They Are Being Worn
- on a household iron

* Do Not Use The 'Silence Feature'
In Emergency Situations. It Will Not Extinguish A Fire
- on a smoke detector

* Do Not Eat Toner
- on a laser printer cartridge

* And on a pair of cyclist's shin guards
- Shin Pads Cannot Protect Any Part Of The Body
They Do Not Cover
 

Offline Star69

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #717 on: February 11, 2005, 03:34:45 PM »
These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats. (allegedly)


My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his {bleep} wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
 

Offline Andy

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #718 on: February 19, 2005, 10:22:51 PM »
What do you call a blonde Skeleton in a cupboard?

The 1993 hide and seek champion.
Up the POOL! :-D


\\"If builders constructed buildings in the same manner that programmers write software, the first woodpecker would have destroyed civilisation...

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Offline Andy

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #719 on: February 20, 2005, 12:26:27 AM »
What have the government and MFI got in common?

One screw in one the wrong place and the whole cabinet's Fecked.
Up the POOL! :-D


\\"If builders constructed buildings in the same manner that programmers write software, the first woodpecker would have destroyed civilisation...

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