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Author Topic: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]  (Read 190399 times)

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Offline PMC

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #674 from previous page: February 03, 2005, 09:43:08 PM »
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says

"I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Cecilia for President
 

Offline X-ray

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #675 on: February 04, 2005, 06:49:49 AM »
 :lol:
 

Offline Star69

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #676 on: February 04, 2005, 10:00:11 AM »
@PMC

I think we've been to the same website ;-)
 

Offline PMC

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #677 on: February 04, 2005, 10:26:50 AM »
Quote

Star69 wrote:
@PMC

I think we've been to the same website ;-)


[Ahem] Can't possibly think what website you mean... ;-)
Cecilia for President
 

Offline Vincent

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #678 on: February 04, 2005, 01:51:47 PM »
A blonde phones 999 to report a fire in her house.

"How do they get there" the operator asked.

"Hello..." she replied.  "Big {bleep}ing red truck!"






*me runs
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I don\'t think I have the stomach for it." - Raziel
 

Offline the_leander

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #679 on: February 05, 2005, 10:29:25 AM »
A Pagan Goes to Hell

A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, "Can I help you?"

"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.

"Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course."

"B-but I don't believe..."

"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.

"Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks.

"It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path."

"Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."

"WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"

"Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left."

So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good."

A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?"

"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"

"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile.

"Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks.

"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow.

"Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously.

"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"

"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"

"Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill..." Satan went on.

"Are you serious...?" he finally asked. Satan grinned at him innocently.

"Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?"

Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth.

Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"

Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He rolled his eyes again. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"
Blessed Be,
Alan Fisher - the_leander

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Offline Vincent

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #680 on: February 05, 2005, 12:58:44 PM »
:lol:
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"Oh no. Everytime you turn up something monumental and terrible happens.
I don\'t think I have the stomach for it." - Raziel
 

Offline X-ray

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #681 on: February 05, 2005, 02:04:51 PM »
There is a factory which makes the Tickle-Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle-Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor.

And they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to
keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"......"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
 

Offline Vincent

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #682 on: February 05, 2005, 03:09:32 PM »
*cough*
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"Oh no. Everytime you turn up something monumental and terrible happens.
I don\'t think I have the stomach for it." - Raziel
 

Offline X-ray

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #683 on: February 05, 2005, 03:11:47 PM »
he he
 

Offline Karlos

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #684 on: February 05, 2005, 11:09:07 PM »
Quote

Vincent wrote:
*cough*


:lol:

@the_leander

:roflmao:

Wouldn't that be hilarious?
int p; // A
 

Offline X-ray

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #685 on: February 06, 2005, 09:33:08 AM »
@ Vince

You mean all I get is a cough for an obviously excellent high-quality knee-slapper?  :-P
 

Offline Vincent

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #686 on: February 06, 2005, 01:13:11 PM »
Quote
X-ray wrote:
You mean all I get is a cough for an obviously excellent high-quality knee-slapper?  :-P

Where?  I didn't see a "high-quality knee-slapper" anywhere :-P
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I don\'t think I have the stomach for it." - Raziel
 

Offline GadgetMaster

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #687 on: February 06, 2005, 01:47:16 PM »
Quote

X-ray wrote:
@ Vince

You mean all I get is a cough for an obviously excellent high-quality knee-slapper?  :-P


Soliciting anything more than a groan is against the spirit of this thread.:whack:
 

Offline Karlos

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #688 on: February 06, 2005, 07:32:04 PM »
Quote

X-ray wrote:
@ Vince

You mean all I get is a cough for an obviously excellent high-quality knee-slapper?  :-P


I thought the cough was a sideways joke about the test tickles. Surely every bloke has had at least one medical exam around the onset of puberty where they were told to cough...
int p; // A
 

Offline Vincent

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Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
« Reply #689 on: February 06, 2005, 10:06:38 PM »
Quote

Karlos wrote:
I thought the cough was a sideways joke about the test tickles. Surely every bloke has had at least one medical exam around the onset of puberty where they were told to cough...

:roflmao:

I wish I'd thought of that :-D
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"Oh no. Everytime you turn up something monumental and terrible happens.
I don\'t think I have the stomach for it." - Raziel