Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Vincent]

Karlos wrote:
I thought the cough was a sideways joke about the test tickles. Surely every bloke has had at least one medical exam around the onset of puberty where they were told to cough...

:roflmao:

I wish I'd thought of that :-D

[X-ray]

Did you know that if you say "mahnamahna" it has the same effect as coughing?

[Vincent]

I'll be singing that all night now :-P

[Karlos]

Vincent wrote:

Karlos wrote:
I thought the cough was a sideways joke about the test tickles. Surely every bloke has had at least one medical exam around the onset of puberty where they were told to cough...

:roflmao:

I wish I'd thought of that :-D

:lol:, I assumed you already had...

[the_leander]

@Karlos

--off topic--

Technically there is no such thing as Hellfire as given out by mainstream Christian churches, Hell, litterally translated means common grave of mankind, it is not nore outside of the original Church has it every been a place of firey torment... Just another lie purpotrated by the church to add more bums on seats, seems simply dying wasn't enough of a threat, and heaven not enough of something to look forward to to get people to switch, which reminds me. There are only a limited amount of places in Heaven, a few thousand or so, this was changed by the aposstle (SP?) paul to anyone good enough, again to add bums on seats....

[T_Bone]

the_leander wrote:
@Karlos

--off topic--

Technically there is no such thing as Hellfire as given out by mainstream Christian churches, Hell, litterally translated means common grave of mankind, it is not nore outside of the original Church has it every been a place of firey torment... Just another lie purpotrated by the church to add more bums on seats, seems simply dying wasn't enough of a threat, and heaven not enough of something to look forward to to get people to switch, which reminds me. There are only a limited amount of places in Heaven, a few thousand or so, this was changed by the aposstle (SP?) paul to anyone good enough, again to add bums on seats....

144,000

Plus all the jews get in. (Which means that there's a good chance that there will be time-sharing opportunities available for sale to the rest of us!) ;-)

edit- actually that may not be true, it may be 144,000 at the time of rapture, maybe not total. I donno. I'll settle for a timeshare anyway.

[the_leander]

@T Bone

Nicely caught mate, dunno about the timeshare, I plan on either reincarnation or summerland ;-)

Right, back on topic, I give you the following:

You might be a techno pagan if....

You call your corners on a cellular phone.
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa.
You use a remote control in place of an athame.
You download your book of shadows.
You cast your circle in a chat room.
Your familiar is a mouse.
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer.
Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.
Your altar cloth is a mouse pad.
Your cauldron is a crock-pot.
Your cone of power has a surge suppressor.
Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del.
Your athame has a SCSI interface.
Your OBE's begin with a netsplit.
Your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.
You calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '98.
Your altar has a keyboard.
Your drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).
You do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be.
You don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.
You have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.
You invite the God and Goddess to come online.
You keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).
You participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.
You refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.
Your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.
Your candles have batteries.
Your deities include Murphy and Gates.
Your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded).
Your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight).
Your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby.
Your incense is by Glade.
Your magic wand is a laser pointer.
Your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.
Your pentacle is made of computer chips.
Instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run.
Your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area.
Your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.
You refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).
You do cord magick with ethernet.
You ritually down your server for Samhain.
When your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.
Erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.
Casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).
Your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.
Passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.
Your search for truth involves regular expressions.
You draw down the moon using a light-pen.
Your tarot cards multi-task.
Your daemons collect news for you.
Your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.
You refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.
You tap into the collective unconscious using a web browser.
Your favorite deity has a homepage.
The address of your covenstead begins with http://
Your circle is a token ring.

[whabang]

Hel (With one 'L') was the norse God of death. Her realm, Niflheim, was sometimes also called Hel, and that's where the word Hell comes from! :-)

Hell was originally not a place of punishment; it was simply a kingdom of the dead!

[whabang]

@ LEander

:roflmao:
New-Age in a nutshell! :lol:

[Star69]

A stranger was seated next to little Johnny on the
plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his
book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know,"
said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"  "Ok"
said little Johnny. "That could be an interesting
topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a
cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the
stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said little
Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

[X-ray]

 :lol:

That one I just gotta use on the people at work...

[Star69]

Making Love to a Woman

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

[Star69]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.  
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil: leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake bodywash.
Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out off shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, panic because you have
no make-up on and cover any exposed flesh.


                   HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake kn*b at her making
woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of your kn*b and scratch your baws. Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Make farting noises, (real or not) and laugh at how loud
they are in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing baws and surrounding area. Wash your arse leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair.
Make shampoo Mohawk.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry-off.
Fail to notice water on floor.
Admire kn*b size in mirror again.
Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake kn*b at her and make woo-hoo noise again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

[that_punk_guy]

I don't shower like either a man or a woman...  :-?

[Speelgoedmannetje]

that_punk_guy wrote:
I don't shower like either a man or a woman...  :-?

How do you shower then?

Well, I'll let you know how to shower like Speelgoedmannetje:
try to get to the shower, even by crawling on the ground
try to find the shower
if the shower water's flowing feel with yer hands if it's warm enough.
let the shower be pointed at your head and neck
when you've regained conciousness, wash away the film covering your eyes
then do the wash and scrub thing

oh yes, for being more clear: I shower every morning

[that_punk_guy]

Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
How do you shower then?

I don't!

I have a bath. ;-)