Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Vincent]

"Oh, no, no. They're all at the funeral."

:roflmao:

[Tesral]

Quixote wrote:
In the deepest baritone, he sings out "Pardon me Roy, is the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

That was the longest build up the stinkest shaggy dog I have seen in a good long time.  I'm jelousy.

Oh and Chattanooga Choo-Choo dates from back in dyaba dyaba Eye eye.  A Glen Miller tune if I remember right.

[Calen]

cool thread.. anyways on with the bad jokes :-)
------

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."


grrr arghgh
 :-)

[Calen]

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What is the german word for constipation?
A: Far from poopin

  :-D

[zudobug]

I received the most god-awful joke I have heard in a very long time in my in-box today.  Was gonna post it here and share with you folks.  But alas, a quick search revealed it had already been posted (the coffin joke posted by Wilse.) Good thing I checked eh?

Anyway, keep up the good work lads. Maybe someone should make an email filter that checks if the content originated from here. There's a plugin I would install.

[Karlos]

Hi all,

Here's a rude one for ye'

A young woman was living with her gran, who had no idea her favourite granddaughter had been a prostitute for several years.

One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the woman's gran came by and saw her.

''Why are you standing in line, dear?''.

Unable to let her gran know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.

''Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself,''

The old dear stood in line next to her granddaughter.

A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

Eventually he got to Gran, who smiled warmly in anticipation of her free fruit.

''Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?''

''Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!''

[Karlos]

Some blondist humour here too...

Beware this one is a real groaner!

A blonde went to eletronics specialists to pick out a new TV set. After looking at several she picks out one she likes and beckons a nearby store assistant.

"Excuse me, how is much is this TV set?"
 
The assistant gestures towards a sign showing a crossed red circle over a blond wig.

"I'm sorry madam. We don't sell to blondes."

Rightfully angered at the bizzare prejudice the woman stormed out. Unfortunately she failed to find the same model anywhere else, so decided to get sneaky and got some wash out hair colouring...

She returned the next day as a brunette and enquired again.

"I'm sorry madam. We don't sell to blondes."

Surprised and angered, she stormed out again. The next day, she returned as a red head...

"I'm sorry madam. We don''t sell to blondes."

That was it. She'd had enough.

"I came here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde? Why the hell can't I buy this TV set?"
 
"I'm sorry madam. It's a microwave."

[Karlos]

A stark warning arrived in my email today that I thought I'd better share with you all...

"Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called 'beer' that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. 'Beer' is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that this 'beer' is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers..."

Hmm...

[Karlos]

This 'uns a bit of a groaner too...

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist turned to the employee.

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

Smiling, the guy leaned over the counter towards them...

"Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg"

:-)

[Karlos]

Anybody remember a cartoon character by the name of Pepe le Pew?

Q) What happened to the blind skunk?

A) He fell in love with a fart...

[Karlos]

Vets in (mal)practice...



A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.  The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

"I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£450."

Shocked, the man exlaims, "£450 to tell me my dog is dead?"

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £400 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

[Karlos]

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow contracted a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home in utter despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome with grief, Helen hugs him tight.

"Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget!"

They go to bed early and make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob turns to his wife.

"Honey, that was wonderful, the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?"

This time it's even more passionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a playful nudge

"Honey, come on. How about one more time?"

Exhausted she rolls over to face him...

"That's easy for you to say, dear. You don't have to get up in the morning!"

[Karlos]

Steve had a terrible accident at work. Luckily, the only permanent damage was that both of his ears were amputated. Permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
Later, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. Before long, he bought the company outright.
Soon, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very  interesting. However, Steve needed to know the man had the right eye for detail. At the end of the interview, Steve asked him the killer question...

"Do you notice anything about me?"

"Why yes I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

Wrong answer. Steve got very angry and threw him out.

The second interviewee was a smart young woman,  even better than the first guy. Until the killer question...

"Well... I don't mean to be rude, but you have no ears."

Steve again was upset and tossed her out.

The final interviewee was the best of all. He was a young guy fresh out of university.  He was smart.  He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same, clinching question.

"Do you notice anything about me?"

To his delight, the young man gave exactly the answer he was looking for.

"Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Delighted, Steve gave the guy the job there and then.
From that point the talk became informal.

"What an incredibly observant young man you are. Just what I need. If you don't mind me asking, how in the world did you know that was the answer?"

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no bloody ears!"

[Vincent]

@Karlos

Are you trying to make up for lost time here? ;-)

3 of them were :lol: this time though :-D

I don't know if I could handle another 5 groaners in such a short time again - that's a true sign of endurance :-P

[Karlos]

Vincent wrote:
@Karlos
Are you trying to make up for lost time here? ;-)

Sort of :-) I gathered a few and just decided to post them all so I could get back to work. Speaking of which its gone 3am and I'm still coding away on the amiga - its been on continuously for 36 hours now...

No wonder this room is warm :-)

3 of them were :lol: this time though :-D

I don't know if I could handle another 5 groaners in such a short time again - that's a true sign of endurance :-P

I suppose 3 outta 8 ain't too bad for me :lol:

[Wilse]

I've heard this one before so it's probably been posted here already but here goes anyway:

--
A geezer sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog forSale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a f*cking liar. He's never done any of that stuff"
--
Sorry.