Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Vincent]

:lol:

:-D He brought down the house.

I'm sure he did :-D

[Karlos]

:lol:

Man, I've not heard any decent jokes in a while (I know that never stopped me before ;-) ), but I'll be sure to pass them on when I do..

[Wilse]

Just got this:
-edit-
missed out the opening sentence...
--
Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and get somewhat
inebriated.

Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no
public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both
ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves.

After they had finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe
herself and then threw them away,  The other woman realising she was
wearing some very expensive knickers didn't want to throw hers away and so
looked around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a
nearby wreath.

So now, feeling better they carried on with their stagger home.

The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on
the phone.  One commented "I think we need to start keeping a closer eye
on our wives you know.  I reckon they're up to no good.  My wife came home
last night without any knickers on!"

The other one replied, "Tell me about it! If you think that's bad, my wife
came home home with a card stuck to her fanny that read "All the members
at the Country Fire Brigade will never forget you".

[Vincent]

:lol:

That's a good one :-D

[Karlos]

Hi WIlse...

Keep em coming, that was an absolute cracker!

 :roflmao:

If only we had a :desperatelyclutchingsidesbeforerupture: emoticon!

:lol:

[N7VQM]

heh! -BUMP-

I'm sure this isn't quite how this joke goes but, this is as well as I remember it.

In the US Marine Corps, there are 5 statements, that when uttered, one should look for cover:

1)  When the Private says, "I learned it in Boot Camp!"

2) When the Seargent says, "The Gunny told me to...."

3) When the Lieutenant says, "I learned it in college."

4) When the Major says, "Sir, I've been thinking..."

and

5) When  the Chief Warrent Officer says with a grin, "Hey!  Watch THIS sh*t!"


P.S.  A Warrent Officer is someone that, due to thier great deal of expierence, warrents being an officer but isn't for one reason or another.

[jd997uk]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too", she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

[jd997uk]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[jd997uk]

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their air force.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

[Wilse]

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

:lol:

Nice one.

[Karlos]

@jd1997uk,

Oi! Get yer own monkey in pub jokes :-P
Your'e nicking my a-list material ;-)

I didn't hear any new ones for ages, but as soon as I do... :-)

[Vincent]

:lol:

They're good ones! :-D

[Karlos]

Maybe this thread will grow longer than the original. There certianly are more contributers this time :-)

Keep em coming guys.. :-D

[Vincent]

There certainly are more contributors, but the jokes aren't coming as fast as before.  Still, most are at least laughable this time :-P

[Karlos]

Touche :-)

[Karlos]

Heres one I got in my email and nearly forgot about! :-) Finally something funny to put here!

Marol spent her wedding night in her family home. As was the tradition for many years in her Italian family, the bride's mother would be in the room next door just in case she needed the answer to any nervous questions.

    Mama's last word of advice before Marol went in to the bridal chamber to consumate her marriage was " Marol, you have-a any a problem you come and-a see Mama"

    So later when Marol unbuttoned her new husband's shirt, she turned pale, jumped up, ran next door and said "Mama, Mama he has hair all over his chest!" Mama reassuringly tells Marol, "Men have-a hair on their chest. This is a sign of a good-a man, go now and-a make him happy."

    When Marol's husband started to unbutton her shirt, she went pale again,jumped up, ran next door and said "Mama, Mama he is trying to undress me!" Mama reassuringly tells Marol, "He must-a undress you if he-a gonna make a real woman outta you. He is a good-a man Marol, go now and-a make him a happy.

    All went well until her husband took off his shoes. He was wearing a prosthectic foot, as he was missing half of his right foot because of a childhood accident. Marol, pale once again jumped up and ran to the door, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"

    Her Mama got up and announced, " Stand a-back Marol this is a job for Mama!"