Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Vincent]

:lol:

Judging by some of the jokes here (mine included) I think this icon is more appropriate ;-)

There haven't really been too many groaners so far though :-D

[Quixote]

;-) A lady walks into the butcher shop and addresses the butcher.  “I would like a pound of kiddlies, please.”

“A pound of what?  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

She repeats.  “I would a pound of kiddlies, please.”

The butcher frowns for a moment, then brightens. “Oh, you mean a pound of kidneys!  Sure thing, coming right up.”

The customer is indignant.  “Well now, I said kiddlies, diddle I?”

[Wilse]

Q. What do you get if you cross Tina Turner with an Orangutan?

A. A F*cking ugly Orangutan.

 :-P

[Quixote]

;-) For my thousandth post, a bit of news from the world of archeology:

Evidence has been found lately to the effect that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all of the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

[Quixote]

;-) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  I'm busy. You'll just have to be a little patient."

[Vincent]

"kiddlies" - :lol:

The shrinking one is definitely a groaner tho :-P

I haven't heard *any* jokes for a while.  As soon as I do, I'll post it :-D

[Quixote]

;-) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products. Since they already made the cases for pocketwatches, they decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of the finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.  This of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

[Quixote]

;-) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.  The chief shrugged and said, "The thong has ended, but the malady lingers on."

[Karlos]

Here's a one I heard today, fit's in nicely after Quixote's...

A cowboy rode his horse up to a saloon. He climbed down, tethered it and walked around to its rear.
Then, to the disgust of all those who could see, the cowboy kissed his horse's backside before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

"It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

"That's the darndest thing. Does horse sh*t help them heal?"

Spitting into the spitoon the cowboy replies, "Nope.... But it sure keeps me from lickin' at 'em."

[Quixote]

;-) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

[that_punk_guy]

:roll: Someone please bury this thread where it can never be found again  :-D he he

[Vincent]

that_punk_guy wrote:
:roll: Someone please bury this thread where it can never be found again  :-D he he

Nnnnnooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! :-P

It's one of the few threads that's lighter in tone.

[Karlos]

that_punk_guy wrote:
:roll: Someone please bury this thread where it can never be found again  :-D he he

Bump :-D That'll teach ye....

[Quixote]

that_punk_guy's thin, pained grimmace :

:roll: Someone please bury this thread where it can never be found again  :-D he he

:lol: Bwahahahaaa!  Never! Never!  

8-) Ahem!  Excuse me.

;-) -And then we had the gentleman who was playing poker with his buddies.  Usually his game was okay, sometimes poor, but tonight he was really cleaning up.  After the game was finished, his buddies were expressing their admiration, and asked him what his secret was.

"Oh, I signed up for a course at the Community College," he replied.

"You mean to say that the college is offering classes in poker?" asked his neighbor to his right.

"Oh, no, it was a course for improving one’s memory.  You see, by remembering which cards had been played during each round, I knew which cards remained in the deck for the next round.  This allowed me to better calculate the odds of drawing the cards I needed, as well as being better at second guessing which cards you guys were holding."

The guys were impressed. "Wow, that’s amazing!"  "Maybe I’ll try that too."  "What was the name of the course?"

Our hero pauses at this last question, and thinks.  Then he stares at the poker table, snapping his fingers in the air.  "It was...  It was... Oh, help me out here." He turns to his neighbor on the right. "What’s the name of that flower?   The one with the thorns on it?"

His puzzled neighbor replies "A rose?"

A smile brightens our hero’s face.  He nods, then turns toward the kitchen and calls out to his wife.  

"Rose?  What was the name of that memory course I took?"

[Quixote]

;-) This next anecdote is true, if a little dated.  It came to me second-hand, from a lady who remembered it from her childhood.  Some of the references may need explaining for younger readers.

Back in the day, my friend’s school had put on a play.  The audience was mostly other students and parents.  One scene took place on a city bus.  A small platform on the stage represented the bus, with chairs for the seats.  One student was the driver, and two girls seated near the rear played the parts of women commuters.  Their dialogue was mostly small talk, to establish the tone of the scene.  “Your hair looks lovely today, but look at mine.  I’ve just washed my hair with vinegar ¹, and I can’t do a thing with it!”  That sort of stuff.

Next, the play called for another character to board the bus.  A short flight of steps was near the front of the platform for this purpose.  

The boy climbing the steps stumbled briefly, then recovered and continued.  He delivered his lines, then walked toward the back to take his seat.  One of the girls ad libbed: “Oh, my!  He seems a little clumsy today!”  The audience chuckled at the boy’s situation.

Without missing a beat, the boy ad libbed right back: “Yep!  I just washed my feet with vinegar, and I can’t do a thing with them!”

:-D He brought down the house.


;-) ¹ For the youngsters among Amigs.org’s readers: way back in the day, women would wash their hair with vinegar once every four to six weeks or so.  The acid would break up soap residue, or something.  Today’s hair products make this unnecessary.

[Vincent]

:lol:

:-D He brought down the house.

I'm sure he did :-D