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Author Topic: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]  (Read 189820 times)

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Offline Vincent

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #359 on: April 23, 2003, 02:11:14 PM »
Quote

Quixote speaking honestly:
;-) Time for another fun one.  I'm using up all of my best material here, so I hope it's appreciated.


I can't say the same :-P

That bar joke had me :roflmao:

@Whabang

:lol: I'll have to remember that when I get a car :-D
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I don\'t think I have the stomach for it." - Raziel
 

Offline WilseTopic starter

Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #360 on: April 23, 2003, 02:28:11 PM »
OK, here's an old one and it's a groaner too. It may well have been posted here before so apologies in advance.
Apologies also to any Scousers - no offence intended.   ;-)
--
Subject: SCOUSE EGGS


Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Liverpool to  Manchester on a motorbike. They break down and start to hitchhike. A friendly trucker stops  to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows, however, he is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he is late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave.

The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They  manage
to squeeze themselves and their motorbike in  the back of  the wagon; the driver closes the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late, so he puts his foot down.  Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with heavy sarcasm "Scouse eggs".
The policeman does not believe this and wants to take a look in the back. He opens the back door, takes a look, shuts it and locks it straightaway.
He rushes back to his car, gets on the radio and calls for  immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon containing 20,000 Scouse eggs, so far two have hatched and the b*stards have managed to nick a motorbike already".
--
:roll:

Offline WilseTopic starter

Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #361 on: April 23, 2003, 04:35:13 PM »
Another groaner:
--
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
 
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.

Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........
 
BUMP........

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned around, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
 
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
 
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it came......


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........









The coffin stopped.

--
I know. :roll:





Offline Karlos

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #362 on: April 23, 2003, 09:14:33 PM »
Ye gads! Whit a groaner!



Wow, I didn't hear any decent stuff to put here in a while. But as soon as I do.... ;-)

-edit-

PS the scouse eggs joke was a cracker! Nice one Rob
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Offline Vincent

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #363 on: April 23, 2003, 09:50:07 PM »
The Scouse eggs joke made me :roflmao:

The second, well... :-P

But the Scouse eggs more than made up for it :-D
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"Oh no. Everytime you turn up something monumental and terrible happens.
I don\'t think I have the stomach for it." - Raziel
 

Offline Karlos

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #364 on: April 24, 2003, 01:53:52 AM »
A good lawyer?

A well off lawyer was driving his new car through the poor part of town and noticed a thin, scruffy looking guy eating grass. Considering his well off position he felt a pang of conciense, stopped the car and went over to the guy

"Hey there. Why are you eating grass?"

"I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

"Thats awful! You must come back to my house at once."

"But I have a wife and three kids."

"That's fine. There's enough room there."
 
When they were all in the car, the man thankes the laywer on behalf of his family.

"Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

"You're simply going to love it there."

Getting excited, the kids piped up..

"Do you have nice things to eat there?"

"Oh yeah! I mean, the grass out back is at least a  foot tall!"

:-P
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Offline Karlos

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #365 on: April 24, 2003, 02:07:49 AM »
....and if that last one of mine wasnt bad enough :-)

A young student's grandad visits him one week. He sees a condom on the table.

'Hey son, what's this!?'

Suddenly sheepish the young lad mutters an answer.

'It's a condom, you can get them anywhere nowadays..."

"Really? What do you use it for?'

Surprised, and a little relieved that his grandad really doesn't know what a condom is, he makes up an answer to change the subject.

'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

"That's a great idea, I need something like that."

Later the grandad wanders past a pharmacist and pops in for some sanatogen. Suddenly he notices condoms for sale too.

He asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Oh, at least big enough to fit a camel."

int p; // A
 

Offline Vincent

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #366 on: April 24, 2003, 02:08:09 AM »
Now, here's a total groaner for you all. :-)

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman were in a concentration camp and were about to be gassed.

They were each offered a last request.

The Scotsman said "right, I'll take a bottle of the finest Scotch Whiskey you have.  I'll be too blind drunk to notice the gas, that's a nice way to go."

The Englishman heard this, "that's a great idea.  I'd like a couple of bottles of the finest wine you can.  That way I'll be to drunk to notice."

The Scotsman looks at the Englishman and gives an approving smile and nod, the Englishman smiles and raises his bottles to say "cheers".

The Irishman was next.  "I'd like the grandest grand piano you can find, I'd like to sing a song as I go."

Once all three had their items of choice. they were led into seperate gas chambers and were executed.

Once the gas had cleared the officers opened the chambers to dispose of the bodies.

The Scotsman's chamber was first.  He was sitting propped up against the wall, still clutching his empty whiskey bottle.  He was dead.

The Englishman was also propped up against the wall clutching one of the empty wine bottles.  He was also dead.

As the guards approached the Irishman's chamber they heard some music.  They looked at each other confusingly and opened the chamber door.

The Irishman was sitting on the piano stool playing away to his heart's content.

"How on Earth are you still alive?" asked one of the guards.

"Ah, my boy, tunes help you breathe more easily."

I did warn you that it was a groaner :-P
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"Oh no. Everytime you turn up something monumental and terrible happens.
I don\'t think I have the stomach for it." - Raziel
 

Offline FluffyMcDeath

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #367 on: April 24, 2003, 05:32:38 AM »
Quote

Vincent wrote:

"Ah, my boy, tunes help you breathe more easily."



I don't know about the rest of North America, but where I've been in Canada I haven't seen any "Tunes", so this probably doesn't translate. So for the people who don't know, "Tunes" are like "Halls" and "Hacks".

 "tunes help you breathe more easily" is the advertising slogan (or at least, it was in the 70's).
 

Offline Quixote

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #368 on: April 24, 2003, 06:13:48 AM »
;-) Once, there was a lawyer who died and went to Heaven.  [Yeah, right, that’s a good joke by itself, isn’t it?  But it continues.]  Saint Peter looks up and smiles.  He then comes out from behind his podium, takes the lawyer’s hand and shakes it warmly.  “By golly, are we happy to see you here!” he enthused.

The lawyer is a little puzzled. “Well, I suppose you’re happy to see everybody who comes here, am I right?”

“Yes, but it’s a rare day that we get someone who’s lived as long as you have, sir!”  St. Peter is still pumping the lawyer’s hand.

The lawyer is puzzled.  “Hmm?  But the last I remember, I was fifty five.  That may be getting on a bit, but surely it’s nothing remarkable.”

Now it’s St. Peter’s turn to be puzzled. “I was of the belief that you had lived to be One Hundred and Forty.  Let me double check our figures.”  The Saint returned to his podium and consulted his great ledger, turning the pages first one way, then another.  His puzzled countenance sobered.  After some minutes, he returned to the lawyer.  “I’ve uncovered a clerical error on our part.  It seems that one of our angels had calculated your age by adding up all of your Billing Hours!”
 

Offline Vincent

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #369 on: April 24, 2003, 03:11:44 PM »
@FluffyMcDeath

Thanks for pointing that out, I forgot about the adverts only really being shown in the UK.

@Quixote

:lol:



I just noticed that this thread has a ying-yang icon - when'd that happen?
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"Oh no. Everytime you turn up something monumental and terrible happens.
I don\'t think I have the stomach for it." - Raziel
 

Offline Quixote

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #370 on: April 24, 2003, 07:31:42 PM »
Vincent voiced:
Quote
I just noticed that this thread has a ying-yang icon - when'd that happen?
;-) That icon was for the last post, mine.  I thought it appropriate considering the lawyer's past actions were catching up to him at the last moment.  He may not be standing outside the Pearly Gates very long.

(Now this thread has a winking icon, until someone adds another reply, and replaces it.)
 

Offline jeffimix

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #371 on: April 24, 2003, 09:07:16 PM »
I couldn't resist.


(if someone replies, I put the windows Icon on it)
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Offline Karlos

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #372 on: April 24, 2003, 09:21:36 PM »
Hi all,

A pair of quick groans - all pretty painless if you pinch your nose first...

Q) Heard about the lawyer who took viagra ?
 
A) He grew a foot taller and couldn't bend down all evening...



Q) What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
 
A) Nothing. C'mon, there are some things even a pig won't do!

-edit-

Hey, my 1000th post :-)
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Offline Quixote

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #373 on: April 24, 2003, 10:33:34 PM »
;-) An elderly millionaire was on his deathbed.  He summoned the three men to whom he had grown closest in his last few months; his doctor, his lawyer, and his minister.  When they were gathered around, he confided: “Gentlemen, it’s been said that you cannot take it with you.  Well, I’m going to try and find out for myself!.  In my will, I’ve bequeathed various of my material possessions to my descendants, but the bulk of my bank accounts is here by my bedside, in cash.”

“I want you three to divide it up into three envelopes, and keep one envelope each.  At my funeral, I want each of you to throw his envelope into my casket with me.”  With somber faces, the doctor, the lawyer and the minister each agree to grant the millionaire’s last wish.  Minutes later, the old fellow breathes his last, and the necessary arrangements are made.

It was a fine eulogy.  As the gathered mourners pass the casket, the old man’s three closest confidants each toss in the envelope with which he had been entrusted.

Afterward, as the casket is being lowered into the grave, and the mourners are talking among themselves, the trio stands together silently.  Then the doctor speaks.  “Father, I have a confession to make.  When I tossed in the envelope that the old man had given me, $50,000 was missing.  I kept it to finance my free children’s clinic.  Do you think the Lord will understand?”

The minister replies: “Hopefully, He will be that gracious, or surely I’ll roast in Hell along with you.  My own envelope was short by twice that amount, but now, starving children overseas will be eating well.  May the Good Lord forgive us both.”

The two hang their heads, lost in thought, but the lawyer is stunned.  “Gentlemen, I cannot believe what I am hearing!  A man of medicine and a man of the cloth have stolen from a dead man who could not defend himself?  After he trusted you?”

The lawyer draws himself up to his full height, puffing out his chest in indignation.  “I’ll have you know that I personally threw in a check for the full amount!”
 

Offline Vincent

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Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
« Reply #374 from previous page: April 25, 2003, 01:32:10 AM »
:lol:

Judging by some of the jokes here (mine included) I think this icon is more appropriate ;-)

There haven't really been too many groaners so far though :-D
Xbox360
"Oh no. Everytime you turn up something monumental and terrible happens.
I don\'t think I have the stomach for it." - Raziel