Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Vincent]

This is a bit of an oldie:

Bill Gates died and found himself in purgatory being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful and clean. Bill saw a sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

With his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches and the scantily clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.


Now, *that's* a groaner :-P

Atheist wrote:
m$ joke. priceless

That was my thought aswell :-D

[vortexau]

[Vincent]

:lol:

[Karlos]

Hi all,

Glad to see Vince resurrected the humour section :-)

I'm a bit dried up for now but here's a quick groaner

An old man and woman are talking in the lounge of their retirement home one day. From nowhere the woman says, "I bet can guess your age."
 
The old guy doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants,"

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and arrives at a conclusion.

"You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing! How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

[Karlos]

Some more legal related humour that was in my mail today...

People Really Said These Things In Court  

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
 

[alx]

 :lol:  :roflmao:  :lol:

[Vincent]

Good to see you're still here Karlos :-D

That first one was a real groaner :-P

But, the rest, well:

:lol: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

[Venkman]

Some of those jokes were pretty good...

I just thought I'd post something to let you all know that I'm still a member of this forum. I've just been a bit busy with other things

[Karlos]

Vincent wrote:

But, the rest, well:

:lol: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Uh ho, that can't be good!

@Venkman : Hi matey, hows it hanging?


Here's another bit of anti Lawyer sentiment...



A successful young lawyer parked up his brand new Lexus outside the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The receptionist immediately grabbed the phone, dialed 999 and within minutes a policeman pulled up.


 
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, barely a day old, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When he finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are. You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?"

"Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Arghhh! Where's my Rolex!"

[Vincent]

:lol:

Nice one mate :-D

[Karlos]

The Lawyer's Funeral  

A man is at his laywer's funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him.

“Why are you all at this man's funeral?”
A man turns towards him and says, “We're all former clients.”
 
“And you all came to pay your respects? How touching.”

“No, we just came to make sure the ***tard was dead.”  
 

[Karlos]

Q) What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?

A) You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

[Karlos]

Q) What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A) A rottweiler.

[Vincent]

:lol:

They're all pretty good :-D

[Karlos]

Q) How many new deal advisers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A) Well, let's not get too carried away. First you must fill out this form in triplicate...

[Karlos]

Q) How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb?

A) One, but it does has to have a good case.