Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

One morning a blind bunny was lolloping through the field. Suddenly he tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny.  "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That'ssss perfectly all right," replied the snake.  "To be ssssure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't ssssee you coming.  By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know, 'cos I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.  Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, now, you're ssssoft, and cuddly, and you have long ssssilky earssss, and a little fluffy tail and a little twitchy little nose... I know, you must be a bunny rabbit!"

"Ah, I always wondered! What kind of animal are you?"

"Likewissse, I'm not sure. Maybe you could examine me..."

So the little bunny nuzzled the snake up and down it's length with his sensitive twitching nose...

"Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

"You're hard, you're cold, you're scaly and you haven't got any balls... You must be a f***ing lawyer!"

:-D

[Karlos]

Rapid fire groaner...

Q) Why are politicians and lawyers always buried at least 12 feet underground?

A) Well, deep down, they're not too bad!

-edit-

Woo hoo! 300th post :-)

[Vincent]

This thread should be renamed "Groaner's Corner" :-P

[Wilse]

Vincent wrote:
This thread should be renamed "Groaner's Corner" :-P

Done! :pint:

13 pages? What on earth have I started here? :lol:

[Vincent]

Wilse wrote:
Done! :pint:

:-D

13 pages? What on earth have I started here? :lol:

Sometimes I think it's a competition for the worst jokes ever ;-)

[Vincent]

Speaking of bad jokes:

The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will:

"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good; the house and $2 million.

"To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going; the yacht, the business and $1 million.

"And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!"

[Vincent]

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.

Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

:-P

[zudobug]

Whats the difference between a dead dog lying on the motorway and a dead lawyer lying on the motorway?

The dead dog has skid marks infront of it.

[redrumloa]

This thread is waay to long and OT, it has now self destructed.

[Vincent]

Ah well, time to start a new thread for groaners :-P

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

[Vincent]

Here's one that everybody here can appreciate:

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away.  ust as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

:-D

[Stimpzilla]

The first one was a definite groaner,  but, and please don't take this the wrong way, the second one made me smirk out loud.

You'll have to lower your standards much more for Son Of Groaner(TM)  :-D  ;-)

Stimpy
=====

(Long time reader of the original - now I can prove my insanity...)

[Vincent]

Jokes at Pentium's expense:

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

:-D

That's enough from me just now.....

You'll have to lower your standards much more for Son Of Groaner(TM)

Keep that name reserved for Karlos! :-P

[vortexau]

A television Comedy-Team's recent show aired in Australia had a few 'takes' on certain imported TV Shows.

Their one on "24" had the character's daughter getting repeatedly kidnapped (and set free) with less effort exerted by the perps each successive occassion. They explained that THEY kidnapped her because she was returning videos to the hirer unrewound!
 Second last grab - she had to knock herself out as the van driver was short-handed.
 Last grab - a kid on a tricycle picked her up with a tin-wagon in tow!
° They even played with the digital time run-out counter overlay; it jammed and she had to re-start it with a thump!

. . . .

Their one on "Joe Millionaire" had the 'girl' to marry Joe, but with the 'girl' having a surprise for 'joe' too ...... the 'girl' wasn't really a girl!

[Atheist]

vortexau wrote:

.......

Their one on "Joe Millionaire" had the 'girl' to marry Joe, but with the 'girl' having a surprise for 'joe' too ...... the 'girl' wasn't really a girl!

"What comes around, goes around." The "You can't win", game show.  :-)

@ Vincent,

m$ joke. priceless

AmigaOne! 500 UKP.

[Vincent]

This is a bit of an oldie:

Bill Gates died and found himself in purgatory being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful and clean. Bill saw a sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

With his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches and the scantily clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.


Now, *that's* a groaner :-P

Atheist wrote:
m$ joke. priceless

That was my thought aswell :-D