Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[PMC]

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are duelling away, with lightsabres flashing accompanied by the sounds of heavy breathing and grunting.

"I know what you're getting for christmas son" said Vader

"Just how in hell can you know that?" replied Skywalker jr

"I felt your presents".

[Vincent]

I can't believe I actually laughed at that!

[Star69]

The difference between knowledge and wisdom:

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

[Andy]

Census taker: How many children do you have?
Woman: Four.
Census taker: May I have their names, please?
Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.
Census taker: Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?
Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.

[Andy]

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 AM?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

[Karlos]

Aw dude. Those are truly dreadful



I still laughed though :-D

[Andy]

@karlos  Cheers  :-D

[Andy]

 Q.   What do you get if you drop a piano on an Army base?
 A.   A flat major.

 Q.   What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
 A.   A flat minor.

[Andy]

    A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital. All of a sudden, his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother; a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

    He asked his brother how his wife was. His brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But, the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed. Since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

    The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

    The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

    The brother replied, "Denephew."

[Star69]

Subject: Husbands' Limitations?

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in over-all performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery application that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as FA Cup 5.0 and PGA 3.0. and now Conversation 1.5 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.  I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate






(And the reply...)

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears
6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[X-ray]

 :lol:

[Vincent]

:lol:

[Star69]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

"Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT light!"

[the_leander]

LOL

[Vincent]

:roflmao:

[PMC]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says

"I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."