Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

@the_heretic

:lol:

Well, youve only got another 11 pages to read through :-)

-edit-

Well, best be off, get a big shot of caffeine and get to work!  :hammer:  :hammer:  :hammer:

[Karlos]

Venkman wrote:
Work??

What's that when it's at home?  :-D

Cushy. That's what working from home is ;-)

[Karlos]

Righy ho, that's enough chat...Time for a bit of light relief...

Here's a little story I got in my email this morning...

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.

When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: ''Why the spoon?''

''Well, restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift.''

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: ''I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.''

I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: ''Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?''

''Oh'' he answered, lowering his voice. ''Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom.''

''How so?''

''See,'' he continued, ''by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 60.39 percent''

''Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?'

''Well,'' he whispered, lowering his voice even further, ''I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.''

:-D

-edit-

Woo hoo! 12 pages :-)

[Karlos]

Time for another wee bit 'o silliness...



An unusual 10 pound baby boy was delivered in a local hospital that had the maternity staff in a quandry. The odd thing about him was his body only weighed five pounds and the remaining weight was down to his phenominally overdeveloped Jacobs' s. None the nurses had ever seen anything like him and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him, so they deferred to the chief surgeon.
 
A short while later, the chief surgeon walked in and examined the boy. After a while, he drew his conclusion.

"Regrettably, as far as I can tell this infant should be immediately consigned to an appropriate mental institution."

''Why on earth do you support that prognosis? " asked the head midwife, startled by the revelation.

She continued, "None of the other doctors who have examined him have notied that he might be in any way mentally impared. It's just the, other, er couple of things", she added euphamistically.

"Is it not obvious?"

"Not to me it isn't!"

"Well, take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts!"

:-P

[Karlos]

Another one I bet Calen already posted on St. Patricks' day...

An old Irishman lived a humble life all he truly owned was a female donkey called Mary. One fine day, lady Fortune smiled upon him and he won a small jackpot the lotto. His prize money totaled £ 25,000.

Having been so poor, he doesn't know what to do with his money. A friend reccomends that he should go to Dublin and live high life for a while.

So, Mary in tow,  he heads for Dublin and finds a nice 5 star hotel to spend a night in.

He asks  for the finest room and attempts to enter the place with his donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
 
"Anywhere I go, she goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey inside. Leave it down here with us and we'll ensure someone comes to take good care of her."
Reluctantly he entrusts Mary to the hotel courtesy staff and goes up to examin his luxury room.

On opening the door he's dazzled by the opulence. Everything seems to be covered in gold, hardwood, there is a table full of gourmet food, and a huge television.

Out of his depth, he doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor.

The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.

''Grand, grand. To be sure I never stayed in such a fine place. How much do I have to pay ye?
 
''Well, sir. One thousand pounds for the food.''
 
''Bejeezus! But I haven't even touched the food."

''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand pounds for the TV."
 
''Mary! But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
 
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for the four poster bed with silk sheets and en-suite facilites."
 
''But I only slept on the floor! I haven't even stepped into the bathroom yet!''
 
''It was there. There's also a two thousand pound charge for handling your donkey. Your total is ten thousand pounds."

''Ten thousand? Away with ye! You owe me ten thousand for humping my donkey.''
 
''But sir, I didn't do any such thing to your donkey.''

'She was there. You should have!''

:-)

[Karlos]

A man walks into a pub, slaps a wad of cash on the bar and asks for six double brandys.
 
Landlord, "Well, guv,  you must have had one crap excuse for a day."

"I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The man downs his drinks quickly, rapidly gets into a stupor annd forgets his woes before staggering home.

The next day, he returns, looking even more stressed than the previous day.

Landlord, "Still not got over the shock then?"

"Worse! I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

Again, he guzzles the brandy and settles down for a night not to remember...

On the third day, he returns and orders yet another six double brandys.

Landlord, "Stone me, guv! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and looked the landlord, "Sure! There's my wife for starters!"

:-)

[Karlos]

N7VQM wrote:
I read this one to my wife.
She asks, "Was that supposed to be funny?"
I say, "It was suppose to be a groaner."
She says, "Groaner...or GROINER?"

:lol:

Here's an old, slightly rude one I bet you heard before...

Q. Why did Clinton have such a hard time deciding what to do with Elian Gonzalez?
 
A. The last time he decided where to put a Cuban he was almost impeached...

:-)

[Karlos]

Hi Whabang!

Ooooh, that's of dodgy taste.. Somebodys gonna toast your ass for that one, I'm sure!

I was chatting with Venkman on ICQ last night, told him plenty of jokes I don't dare put here

:-D

[Karlos]

Wilse wrote:
Hey Karlos,

I was chatting with Venkman on ICQ last night, told him plenty of jokes I don't dare put here

Aw, go on...... :-P

Haway man. There's bairns come readin' the site, like!

[Karlos]

Hi all,

Time for another dose of morning silliness. Ah ah, come on, open up, hear comes the aeroplane...

Newscaster, "News just in. A terrorist has managed to hijack 747 containing a large party of senior policiticans, lawyers and other legal advisers. Nobody seems to know at this time who the terrorist is, which faction he represents or why he hijacked the fight. We can go live to the scene now..."

Reporter, "Yes, a tense scene here. A SWAT team has surrounded the aircraft which is currently grounded. Negotiations with the hijacker are going on at this moment. As you said, the plane was carrying a large contingent of politicans and laywers."

"Do we know anything more at this time? What threats has the hijacker made so far?"

"Given the nature of the passengers on board, extreme caution is being used in dealing with the hijacker, who so far has refused any attempt to compromise. If his demands aren't met, he's threatening to release one every hour..."

[Karlos]

One morning a blind bunny was lolloping through the field. Suddenly he tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny.  "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That'ssss perfectly all right," replied the snake.  "To be ssssure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't ssssee you coming.  By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know, 'cos I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.  Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, now, you're ssssoft, and cuddly, and you have long ssssilky earssss, and a little fluffy tail and a little twitchy little nose... I know, you must be a bunny rabbit!"

"Ah, I always wondered! What kind of animal are you?"

"Likewissse, I'm not sure. Maybe you could examine me..."

So the little bunny nuzzled the snake up and down it's length with his sensitive twitching nose...

"Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

"You're hard, you're cold, you're scaly and you haven't got any balls... You must be a f***ing lawyer!"

:-D

[Karlos]

Rapid fire groaner...

Q) Why are politicians and lawyers always buried at least 12 feet underground?

A) Well, deep down, they're not too bad!

-edit-

Woo hoo! 300th post :-)

[Karlos]

Hi all,

Glad to see Vince resurrected the humour section :-)

I'm a bit dried up for now but here's a quick groaner

An old man and woman are talking in the lounge of their retirement home one day. From nowhere the woman says, "I bet can guess your age."
 
The old guy doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants,"

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and arrives at a conclusion.

"You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing! How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

[Karlos]

Some more legal related humour that was in my mail today...

People Really Said These Things In Court  

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
 

[Karlos]

Vincent wrote:

But, the rest, well:

:lol: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Uh ho, that can't be good!

@Venkman : Hi matey, hows it hanging?


Here's another bit of anti Lawyer sentiment...



A successful young lawyer parked up his brand new Lexus outside the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The receptionist immediately grabbed the phone, dialed 999 and within minutes a policeman pulled up.


 
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, barely a day old, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When he finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are. You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?"

"Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Arghhh! Where's my Rolex!"

[Karlos]

The Lawyer's Funeral  

A man is at his laywer's funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him.

“Why are you all at this man's funeral?”
A man turns towards him and says, “We're all former clients.”
 
“And you all came to pay your respects? How touching.”

“No, we just came to make sure the ***tard was dead.”