Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

Continuing in the legal theme...

A lawyer lies dying of a long term illness, his legal partner of 40 years by his bedside...

"Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax. After all, I'm the one who's been putting arsenic in your martinis for the last year..."

[Karlos]

A large, angry man stomps into a pub and demands a double brandy.

The landlord hands his drink, which the guy downs in a single gulp and angrily demands another.

Trying to put this dangerous looking customer at ease, the landlord politely asks whats bugging the guy as he passes the second double brandy.

"Bloody lawyers. Bunch of ar*seholes, the damn lot. I'll rip the next one I see to pieces!"

Suddenly he pipes up,

"Hey, everybody, hear that? All lawyers are ar*seholes! I'll happily murder the next one I see!"

A bloke down the bar turns around and shouts back..

“Do you mind? I take offense to that!”

The angry guy, with a glint of murder in his bloodshot eyes forges his way down the bar, knocking surprised bystanders aside. He draws up to the guy, ready to kill.

Dropping his voice to a chilling monotone, as people begin to hide behind the tables he questions the guy who spoke up.

“Are you a lawyer?”

“Certianly not! I'm an a*sehole.”

[Vincent]

:lol:

Only one groaner in that lot :-D

[Karlos]

Q. What do you become for staying up till 3am coding?
A. Unemployed...

Hmmm, slightly autobiographical - alas the end draws nigh

[N7VQM]

How about another Jesus golfing joke?
---------

One fine afternoon, Jesus and Moses decide to take in a round a golf.  Everything is going swell and they're both well under par when they arrive at the 14th hole.  Now, the 14th hole has a HUGE water trap just in front of the green.

Moses grabs his 1 wood, tee's up and WHACK!  The ball sails over the fairway, over the water trap and does two bounces into the cup.  A beautiful hole in one.

Jesus gets his 5 wood, tee's up and SMACK!  The ball lands right at the edge of the water trap.  So they trek on up to the water trap.

Jesus then grabs a 9 iron from his bag and gets ready to shoot.  
Moses says, "Whoa, Jesus!  You're not going to make it over the water with that!"
"You watch, I'm gonna play it just like Arnold Palmer," Jesus says.

Jesus takes a wack at it and, as expected, the ball lands right in the middle of that pond.  So Moses parts the water, Jesus gets his ball, and he tries again.  And again and again....

By this time, another group of golfers has arrived to see whats going on.  One of these duffers see's Jesus with his 9 iron and, not having seen these two before, exclaims, "Who the hell does he think he is?!  Jesus Christ?"

"No," Moses says, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

[Karlos]

 :lol:

[Venkman]

hehehe..... funny joke :-D

Karlos wrote:
Hi Vincent,

Unfortunately I haven't heard much good material recently. Well, I have heard some but it's either too tactless or tasteless...

A guy walks into a greasy spoon cafe and asks the proprietor for an all day breakfast.

Customer "I want it cooked a certian way"

Owner "No problem, as long as its nowt fancy..."

Customer "I want to have to wait until I'm about to leave for my food. I want the egg frying until its like rubber. I want two slices of fried bread, each burned to the point of total carbonisation. I want some beans that have been on the hob so long that they've congealed into an unidentifable lump of red-brown cack. I want some mushrooms fried into a soggy black pulp that a starving rat wouldn't touch"

Owner "Hey!, Just hold on a minute there..."

Customer "Don't interrupt! I want two rashers of bacon burned to the point that they've the tensile strength of mild steel, and to wash it all down a cup of tea so weak it's translucent and has odd white lumps bobbing in it..."

Owner, getting p*ssed off, "Look here mate, I don't know what your game is, but I havent got the time to ruin perfectly good food for the like of you"

Customer "Well you found bloody time yesterday!"

Hmmm, now reading that was 5 minutes shorter than it was when u told me over the fone dude
 :-)  :-D  :-o  ;-)  :-)  :-)

[Karlos]

@the_heretic

:lol:

Well, youve only got another 11 pages to read through :-)

-edit-

Well, best be off, get a big shot of caffeine and get to work!  :hammer:  :hammer:  :hammer:

[Venkman]

Work??

What's that when it's at home?  :-D

[Karlos]

Venkman wrote:
Work??

What's that when it's at home?  :-D

Cushy. That's what working from home is ;-)

[Karlos]

Righy ho, that's enough chat...Time for a bit of light relief...

Here's a little story I got in my email this morning...

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.

When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: ''Why the spoon?''

''Well, restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift.''

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: ''I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.''

I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: ''Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?''

''Oh'' he answered, lowering his voice. ''Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom.''

''How so?''

''See,'' he continued, ''by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 60.39 percent''

''Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?'

''Well,'' he whispered, lowering his voice even further, ''I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.''

:-D

-edit-

Woo hoo! 12 pages :-)

[whabang]

The iraqui UN ambassador and George Bush meets in one of the hallways in the UN headquarters.

"Good morning, your exellence!" Bush says. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine thanks" the ambassador replies " but I have one question about the USA."

"What"

"My son loves Star Trek, but he can't understand why there are no arabians in the series. There are europeans, africans, asians, americans, even aliens, but there are no arabs. Why?"

Bush smiles an says: "That's because Star trek takes place in the future...

[Vincent]

@ N7VQM, whabang

:lol:

@Karlos

:-P

[N7VQM]

Karlos wrote:

Woo hoo! 12 pages :-)

What's the longest thread in A.org history?

[Karlos]

Time for another wee bit 'o silliness...



An unusual 10 pound baby boy was delivered in a local hospital that had the maternity staff in a quandry. The odd thing about him was his body only weighed five pounds and the remaining weight was down to his phenominally overdeveloped Jacobs' s. None the nurses had ever seen anything like him and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him, so they deferred to the chief surgeon.
 
A short while later, the chief surgeon walked in and examined the boy. After a while, he drew his conclusion.

"Regrettably, as far as I can tell this infant should be immediately consigned to an appropriate mental institution."

''Why on earth do you support that prognosis? " asked the head midwife, startled by the revelation.

She continued, "None of the other doctors who have examined him have notied that he might be in any way mentally impared. It's just the, other, er couple of things", she added euphamistically.

"Is it not obvious?"

"Not to me it isn't!"

"Well, take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts!"

:-P