Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

Translations of common male sayings, as according to the missus, no doubt...

1) "I'm going fishing."
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

2) "It's a guy thing."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

3) "Can I help with dinner?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

4) "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

5) "It would take too long to explain."
"I have no idea how it works."

6) "I'm getting more exercise lately."
"The batteries in the remote are dead again."

7) "We're going to be late."
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, love, you're working too hard."
"Sit down for a bit, would you? I can't hear the footie over the bloody hoovering."

9) "That's interesting, dear."
"Eh? Are you still talking?"

10) "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
"Yes, I forgot our anniversary again."

11) "That's women's work."
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

12) "You know how bad my memory is."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the registration plates of every car I've ever owned, but I still forgot your birthday."

13) "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
"Yes, the rest of my arm is still in the garage, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

14) "I do help around the house."
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

15) "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

16) "I can't find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

17) "What did I do this time?"
"What did you catch me doing?"

18) "I heard you."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 5 days bollocking me."

19) "You look terrific."
"Oh, God! Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

20) "I missed you."
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

21) "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"I'm lost.  I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

22) "I don't need to read the instructions."
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help, ta very much!"

[Karlos]

An old un, but still makes me laugh...

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and shouts, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got blind drunk in Singapore and shagged a parrot..."

"Yeah? So why you lookin at me for?!"

"I thought you might be my boy."

[Karlos]

A bit rude :-)

A bloke walks into a pub and orders 6 double whiskys...

Landlord, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The bloke gives him a larconic smile between knocking back his drinks.
"Yeah. To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident."

"Bad luck mate. At least your ok though."

"It gets worse. When I got to work I was four hours late, so my boss sacked me, despite trying to explain the accident."

"Ouch! Yeah, that is pretty rum. Still you could have the git for unfair dismissal....That's something, eh?"

"I haven't finished. To top everything off I came home to find my wife screwing my best friend."

"Christ! What did you do?"

"I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again. Then I argued with my best friend, fell out and came here."

"Fair play there. So what did you say to your best friend?''

"Rover! Bad dog!!" :-)

[Doobrey]

Q. What do you do when you see a spaceman??

 A. Well, you like..er, park in it man.

[Doobrey]

Two Irishmen are walking past the job centre, when Paddy notices a new sign in the window.
 "Hey Mick,it says here they`re looking for treefellers"
  Mick says "Ah well, `tis a shame there`s only the two of us" :-P

[Karlos]

:lol: - that last one especially :-)

[Doobrey]

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are talking about their families,
Englishman: "I`ve got a boy, we called him George because he was born on St.George`s day"
Scotsman :"I`ve got a boy as well, called him Andrew cos he was born on St.Andrew`s day"
Irishman:" I`ve got a boy called Pancake"

[Karlos]

Thats a sniggerer :-)

[Wilse]

>Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert and are knocking at death's door.
>
>As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or such
>
>like, they suddenly spy a tree in the distance through the heat haze.
>
>As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
>
>"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre (Don Pedro). "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
>
>"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
>
>So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of his Babylon, there's the crack of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
>
>His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying
>
>Pepe.
>
>"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
>
>With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a
>
>Bacon Tree"
>
>"Ees a Ham Bush"

[Wilse]

James Bond's best line yet...

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was  just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[Wilse]

A George W. Bush lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a        
  dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than  
  usual."                                                                  
                                                                           
  He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,    
  so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"    
                                                                           
  The officer replies, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his      
  motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set        
  himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went    
  to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qa'ida, or that  
  his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press      
  called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and    
  now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he    
  made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for    
  him."                                                                    
                                                                           
  The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"                        
                                                                           
  The officer replies, "About 14-1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are        
  still siphoning."                                                        
                                                             

[Karlos]

:roflmao: Thats no groaner!! :lol:

[Karlos]

Two hillbillies, Bubba and Billy-Ray, decided that they weren't getting anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

They attend an open day at a local college.
 
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take maths, history and logic.

"Ok, professor. Say, what's logic?"

"Ah, such things are better demonstrated. Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do,"

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, in which you use it"

"Yeah I do. Damn, that's real good,"

"Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own or rent a house."

"Why, right again! That sure is amazin'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you probably have a wife."

"Mah sweet Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," concluded the professor.

"Damn right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard o'! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Billy Ray is still waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" Billy asks.

"Math, history and logic,"

"What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

:-)

[Karlos]

Now, this is a groaner...

A guy finds a penguin loose in the streets and takes him to the police.
 
The desk sergent said, "We're really busy. Could you take that penguin to the zoo yurself?."

Next day the guy turns up at the police station again, penguin in tow..

Desk sergent, "What on earth are you still doing with that penguin?"

"What do want from me? I took him to the bloody zoo yesterday and he didn't like it, then the guy at the cinema wouldn't let him in..."

[whabang]

At last! I need some groaners today... :-D

[Wilse]

Guy walks into a library, goes up to the desk:

"Two pints of lager please!"

Librarian:

"I'm sorry sir, this is a library."

Guy whispers:

"[color=9999CC]two pints of lager please."[/color]