Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[zudobug]

Young Tommy McLaughlin

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, young Tommy McLaughlin?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Connor?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Kathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, please, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy McLaughlin, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.

You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.

[zudobug]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,  she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun, the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and  jumps out the  window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get  dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! "

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.

"Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining.

[Vincent]

@zudo

The first was :lol:

But the second was :roflmao:

Brilliant :-D

[Quixote]

;-) Two hikers are walking through a clearing in the woods.  Just across the stream from them is a mountain lion, drinking.  The mountain lion looks up at them, sizing them up.  She licks her lips.  One hiker suggests that they should move away at a steady pace, towards the nearest tree.  The other stops, and digs in his pack for his running shoes.  

:-? The first is puzzled: "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun a mountain lion with those!"  

;-) The second replies, "I don't have to outrun the mountain lion; I just have to outrun you."

[Vincent]

:lol:

Nice one :-D

Bet you had to go digging to find this thread ;-)

[Quixote]

;-) It took a while, but it was worth the effort; classics should never die.

[Wilse]

Quixote wrote:
;-) It took a while, but it was worth the effort; classics should never die.

Looks like the classic will be aroud for a while yet!

PS If this works, it'll be my first post anywhere on the web from my A1. Fingers crossed.......  :-D

[Quixote]

Wilse wrote:

PS If this works, it'll be my first post anywhere on the web from my A1. Fingers crossed.......  :-D

:pint: Congratulations, sir!

[Wilse]

@Quixote:

Thank you.
I can now go and kick back with a beer or two before toddling off to bed, a happy man. :-)

Have a nice night, y'all.

Cheers, :pint:

[Vincent]

@Wilse

You lucky git, a Pegasos and an A1 :-o

Sod :-D

I'll grudginly give you a :pint: to celebrate the A1 anyway :-P

[Wilse]

@Vincent:

You lucky git, a Pegasos and an A1

Well, the peg is in France with Genesi ATM.
I can't wait to get it back and running though - I want to have a go at networking the pair of them.

[Tiggrr_cub]

When i read some of these ( or rather my husband made me read some of these !) I couldn't help but add to the ever growing list of groans, so here i go.

An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman were running away from the mafia after seriously pi$$ing them off. As they were running  they come across a huge warehouse. The three of them run inside . The Englishman notices three hessian sacks on the floor next to a collection of full sacks.
" I know, "  he said, " Lets get into these sacks and hide they will never find us here."
So the three of them get into the sacks and  pull the tops closed and sit quietly.
Soon enough the maffia mob run into the warehouse. The leader looking around  says ( in a godfather voice)
" Boys kick these sacks, they have to be hiding in these."
The  mob stand around the first sack and kick it hard.
Trying to stiffle the pain he is in the Englishman as quietly as possible lets out  a " meow, meow."
"Ah ", said the leader, " this is nothing but a bagfull of abandoned kittens ," and proceded to move onto the next one where the scotsman was hiding.
Again he kicked the bag. The  Scotsman trying to hold back his pain, quietly let out  a  " bark bark".
" Ah," said the leader "it is nothing but a bag full of abandoned puppies." So they went to third sack.
The guy once again kicked the bag. And the irishman who couldn't think of any animal to mimic said in a rather unconvincing voice, " potato, patoto"


Its and old one i know but it still makes me giggle!    :-)

[Vincent]

I posted one very similar to this in one of the other Groaner threads (Groaner's Corner possibly).  It is a great joke.  When I told it to my other half years ago she couldn't stop laughing for about half an hour! :-D

I love these jokes :-)



It might be in here somewhere - this is where all the groans started :-D

Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

There's a Groaner's Corner: The Return thread aswell, but I couldn't find that one.

[Karlos]

Just when y'all thought you were safe...

Return of the groan :-D

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyser.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm p*ssed!''

[Karlos]

The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded,
"...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honour but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
 
A young lady immediately raised her hand,

"Please Miss, how do you get it last a whole hour?"

[Karlos]

Translations of common male sayings, as according to the missus, no doubt...

1) "I'm going fishing."
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

2) "It's a guy thing."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

3) "Can I help with dinner?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

4) "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

5) "It would take too long to explain."
"I have no idea how it works."

6) "I'm getting more exercise lately."
"The batteries in the remote are dead again."

7) "We're going to be late."
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, love, you're working too hard."
"Sit down for a bit, would you? I can't hear the footie over the bloody hoovering."

9) "That's interesting, dear."
"Eh? Are you still talking?"

10) "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
"Yes, I forgot our anniversary again."

11) "That's women's work."
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

12) "You know how bad my memory is."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the registration plates of every car I've ever owned, but I still forgot your birthday."

13) "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
"Yes, the rest of my arm is still in the garage, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

14) "I do help around the house."
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

15) "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

16) "I can't find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

17) "What did I do this time?"
"What did you catch me doing?"

18) "I heard you."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 5 days bollocking me."

19) "You look terrific."
"Oh, God! Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

20) "I missed you."
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

21) "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"I'm lost.  I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

22) "I don't need to read the instructions."
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help, ta very much!"