Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Wilse]

I've heard this one before so it's probably been posted here already but here goes anyway:

--
A geezer sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog forSale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a f*cking liar. He's never done any of that stuff"
--
Sorry.

[Quixote]

:roll: Dude!  That one fits here perfectly!

I'm green with envy!

[Venkman]

wow, is this thing still going... I stll havn't heard any good jokes... that one of the reasons why I stopped posting... I had nothing new to contribute

[Wilse]

From today's metro:

"Don't ever buy a dwarf with learning difficulties - it's not big and it's not clever!"
 :-P

[jd997uk]

A priest is in the confessional booth, awaiting the next confession.  

He is suddenly struck with the urge to use the bathroom.

He peeres out the curtin, and sees a janitor. He motions for the janitor to come over.

"I need to go to the bathroom, can you watch the booth for a few minutes?"

"I know nothing about this father."

"It's easy, above the window is a list of all sins and the appropriate hail mary's."

"OK, but please hurry up!" A few minutes go by and a women enters the booth.

"Bless me father for I have sinned, for I have commited Oral Sex"

The janitor looks at the chart, and it says nothing of Oral Sex.

He looks out the curtain and sees an alter boy, and motions the alter boy to come over.

"What does the priest give for Oral Sex?"

The alter boy responds "Milk and Cookies, why do you ask?"

[jd997uk]

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.  

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[jd997uk]

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About two cans of hair spray

What do fish say when they his a concrete wall?
Dam.

What do Eskimos get for sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

Whats the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.

[Vincent]

Those last ones were :lol:

Good to see at least someone here's still hearing good jokes.  I haven't heard any in a long time now :-(

[jd997uk]

@Karlos

You'll be proud of this one. Are you sitting comfortably? Good, now I'll begin.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right ... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...



(wait for it)


(it's coming)


(take a deep breath)






"He should have quit while he was a head!"

[jd997uk]

@Vincent

Thanks. It's difficult finding jokes tha meet the required, erm 'standard'  :-D

Anyhow, just for you, listed below are a compilation of Ladybird book titles that never were.

1. You Are Different And That's Bad.
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables.
3. Dad's New Wife Robert.
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
12. You Were an Accident
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

[Vincent]

I think Karlos'll be proud - that is a total groaner :-D

The books are :lol:

[Wilse]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.  "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said, "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,  Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring  war  on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation,  "there is myself, my  cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire hurling team from the pub. That makes sixteen!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you,  Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Jaysus!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,  and four boys from O'Hanlon's Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin',Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no fookin way we can feed two million prisoners." !

[Karlos]

Vincent wrote:
I think Karlos'll be proud - that is a total groaner :-D
The books are :lol:

Heh, looks like the best thing I did for humour here was to leave it up to everybody else :-)

When I hear some new stuff, I'll pass it on...

@jd1997

You are the master now. There is nothing more I can 'teach' you :lol:

That was ancient, groansome and downright awful. Well done :-D

Keep em coming guys!

[T_Bone]

"He should have quit while he was a head!"

OOOOooooowwowow!  :-(  :hammer:  :evil:  :-o  :flame:

[Venkman]

hehehehehe... good stuff. :lol:

I really need to find some new material to post in here...

[Wilse]

Husband Shopping Centre.......

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dublin, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return...
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.
When they got to the first floor they saw a sign on the door that said "These men have good jobs and love kids". the women read the sign and said, "Well that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up??? So up they went...
On the second floor the sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking". Hmmmm..... said the ladies but I wonder what's further up???
So up they went again....
The third floor sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework". WOW!!!! went the women, very tempting BUT there's more further up let's go...
On the fourth floor the sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework AND are amazing lovers".
"Oh mercy, mercy me!!!!"! went the women "Imagine what must be waiting further up...
So, up to the fifth floor they went....

When they got to the fifth floor, the sign on the door said
"This floor is empty and exists only to prove a point that women are f*cking impossible to please."