Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Vincent]

 :lol:

[Karlos]

Made me laugh when I heard it at 2:45 this morning ;-)

-edit-

A quick one liner from me bro...

Q: What has 148 legs and just 13 teeth?

A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert :-P

[Karlos]

Don't read this if you live in Arkansas...

Anyhoo, my cousin was thinking to do a gap year in the US. Whilst browsing for accomodation in different areas, he got the following form back from Arkansas...

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

:-P

[Venkman]

LOL.... they weren't bad at all

[Karlos]

A guy goes into a pub, orders twelve shots of whisky and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

Landlord, "Bloody hell squire, why are you drinking so fast? It can't be that bad"
 
"You would be knocking them back like this if  you had what I had."

Landlord, "Really? So, if you don't mind me asking, what do you have?"

"35 pence."

:-P

[Karlos]

Ah, so this is what death is like....

*wonders if people ignore this thread on sight* :-D

Anyhoo...

-edit-
A bit rude this one :-)
-edit-

These three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day.

On the way they would pass a house where the owner kept a parrot and stood the cage outside in the morning to give it some fresh air.

Whenever they walked by, the parrot would call out three colours.

The nuns soon realised that the parrot was calling out the colours of their respective underwear.

Convinced the parrot was somehow channeling evil, they tried to outsmart it by switching positions while walking and even wearing different coloured underwear every day.

However, the parrot, with uncanny, almost prescient ability, was never wrong.

Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underwear at all.

That morning, assured they would outsmart the wretched creature they walked imperiously past the house.

The parrot sat silent for a moment, then with an uncanny sense timing, suddenly squarked out loud, ''Straight, straight, curly.''

[Karlos]

Ok, y'all,

A bit grim..

An elderly gent wasn't feeling too well and went to see his doctor. His wife, to whom he was very close accompanied him.

Having listened to the gentlemans symptoms, the doctor decided that he had nothing more than a mild case of food poisoning.

As part of a routine check, doctor asked him for a blood, urine, and stool sample.

The man, slightly hard of hearing said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and stool sample."

The man sat there, still looking bemused.

Before the doctor repeated himself for the third time, the man's wife leaned over and yelled into his ear - ''Bertie, dear. The doctor needs to take a pair of your underpants.''

:-P

[Venkman]

*groans*

now they are getting worse  :-D

[Karlos]

I bet Calen probably posted this on St. Patricks' day, but anyway...

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. Eventually, the landlord tells him that the place is closing.
So the the stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the few hundred yards to his home.
He eventually arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom

 When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ''So, you've been out drinking again!!''

Trying to put his best innocent face on, ''What makes ye say that?''

'O'Sheas' pub phoned this mornin, y' eejit. Ye left yer wheelchair there again!''

:-P

[Vincent]

Venkman wrote:
*groans*

now they are getting worse  :-D

Especially that last one! :-P



Damn, there's another joke in there now.

The graoner is the old guy at the Dr's.

[Vincent]

:lol:

That pub one's funny!

[Karlos]

Irish one or cheap git one?

[Vincent]

The Irish one :lol:

[Karlos]

During his campaign, George W. Bush and his advisors were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.
"Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college?"

"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."

[Vincent]

Oooohhhhh dear!!!!

*a very big groan*

:-P

[Karlos]

And as my grip on conciousness and 'political correctness' slips from me...

An English, Scottish, and Irish team were sent out to install telephone poles for BT.

After the first day, the English team had installed 30 poles, the Scottish team had installed 37 poles, and the Irish team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the Irish team and demanded to know why they had done so few.

In their defence, the Irish team leader retorted, "Hey, we saw what the other 'half a job' teams were up to. Their poles were still sticking out of the ground."

groan...