A few thoughts...
There are two industries in the world that refer to customers as 'users'. One is the IT industry. The other is the illegal drugs industry.
If we use the Greek letter 'pi' to symbolise 3.141592... what do the Greeks use?
How can one person chop down a tree and then chop up the same tree?
The internet - where men are men, women are men and children are FBI agents.
You never can truly tell when you have run out of invisible ink.
A torch is a case for holding dead batteries.
There are 2 rules to being a success in life: 1. Never give out all the information.
Alarms don't 'go off'. If they did, then they would be pointless. Alarms 'go on'.
What if the Hokie-Cokie really IS what it's all about?
Why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let stupidity sort itself out?
The Trans-Siberian Railway has a large kink in it, for the following reason. When the Tsar decided it should be built, he drew a line across a map of Russia with a ruler and it had a nick in it.
Humans are descended from birds, not apes. Try whistling and notice how someone will always join in. This is a throwback to our days in the trees, trying to communicate through dense foliage. This fact also explains the wide variety of breakfast cereals available and our inbred fear of cats.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
The only thing that keeps me from realising my full potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn't take much time or effort...
Why is a delivery on a ship called a cargo and a delivery by car a shipment?
The shortest correspondence on record is between Victor Hugo and his publicist. Whilst on holiday, Victor wanted to know how his new novel was doing so he sent a postcode to the publicist saying "?" . The publicist sent a postcard back saying "!"
Anxious to 'include' as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.
When you point 1 finger at someone else, you're pointing 4 at yourself. Think about that when you want to blame someone.
Remember laughter's the best medicine, unless you're asthmatic, and then its ventolin.
Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, the reverse is true.
Only 60% of people in internet chat rooms actually laugh out loud when they type LOL. Significantly fewer roll on the floor laughing, approximately 12%, though its hard to measure as they generally fall out of view of the web cams used to gather the information. But, by far the most disturbing trend is the 5% to 6% of the Internet Chat Room Populace that have begun to laugh their asses off. ER rooms in America & A&E in Britain have reported a 4 fold increase in the amount of Internet Related Ass Prosthesis (IRAP). The problem is compounded by huge numbers of people falsely claiming to LMAO & causing a misdirection of essential ass saving resouces. So the next time you read a pithy comment on an internet chat room/bulletin board - THINK before you TYPE.
"I AM, therefore I think." Isn't that putting Descartes before the horse?
Computers allow us to make more mistakes at a faster rate than any other man-made thing, with the exception of handguns and tequila.
Cows are not toys.
A good pun is its own reword.
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the average speed and health of the group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of wine eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
Contrary to popular belief, life has been pretty tough for Riley for the last few years
If you were to recite everything Jesus is recorded to have said, it would take less than two hours.
