Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Andy]

What have the government and MFI got in common?

One screw in one the wrong place and the whole cabinet's Fecked.

[Karlos]

Awww dude, that's fecking atrocious!

Well done :-D

[Karlos]

From a Canadian friend:

A pair of Newfies (Newfoundlanders, which I'm informed are none too bright) were sitting in their boat fishing, having an absolute windfall. For hours they were hauling in huge catches.

As the day drew to a close, one said to the other, "This place is unbelievable! We really need to find a way to mark this spot, eh?"

"Yeah."

With that, the second guy rummages around behind him and finds a piece of chalk. To the growing incredularity and exasperation of his friend, he proceeds to mark a large letter X on the bottom of the boat.

"There", he announced with some satisfaction, only to deflate slightly as he met the stare being levelled at him from his friend.

"What?"

"Your'e such a dumbass. Like as if that's going to work, eh?"

Still holding the chalk, the first guy stares back nonplussed.

"Do I have to explain everything? We're taking MY boat out tomorrow!"

[that_punk_guy]

I read that twice before I realised you weren't talking about a breed of dog. :/

[Karlos]

:lol:

[Andy]

Warning this one is a bit rude got it from my mate Harry.

Q. How can you tell a mechanic has just had sex.
A. He has one clean finger.

Doh it wasn't my joke it was Harry's

[Andy]

Q. What do a Walrus and tupperware have in common.

A. They both like a tight Seal.

[Andy]

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

[Andy]

Little Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Little Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[Star69]

For everyone who has to work with THE PUBLIC.......

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring  Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
 
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

This is a "true" story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer"

[Star69]

has recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now," said the HR director during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with you. However, one of our Analysts has disappeared.
"Do any of you know what happened?" The cannibals all shook their heads NO.
After their boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Analyst?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool !!! For four weeks now we've been eating Managers and no one even noticed anyone was missing, but NOOOO, you Just had to go and eat someone important!

[Vincent]

Prince Harry got so drunk at a party that his friend Haley had to take him home.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

Drunkenly Harry answered "aahm feeling seek Hale..."

[Star69]

This one's fairly topical at the moment...

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who's Camilla Parker Bowles?"

[graffias79]

"A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.

The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says...

Tag, you're it".

[whabang]

Little Jonny came into the kitchen, where his mother was preparing dinner.

- Mom! I want a new bike for my birthday!

Little Jonny hadn't really been a good boy that year, so his mother, who was a good christian, told him to go up to his room and write a letter to God, about why he deserved a new bike.

Letter #1:
Dear God,
I have been a good boy this year. Please give me a new bike. A red one.
// Jonny

Jonny knew this wasn't quite true, so he wrote a new letter.

Letter #2:
Dear God,
I have been a fairly good boy this year. Please give me a new bike. A red one.
// Jonny

Still, Jonny knew this wasn't quite true, and you can't lie to God, so he wrote a new letter.

Letter #3:
Dear God,
I have been a boy this year. Please give me a new bike. A red one.
// Jonny

Now Jonny hadn't lied, but he realised that this letter might not be good enough.
He went downstairs and told his mother he was going to the church.
When in the church, he grabbed a golden statue of Holy Mary, put it under his shirt, and ran home to write a new letter.

Letter #4:
I HAVE YOUR MOTHER. IF YOU WANT HER BACK, THEN GIVE ME THE #%@&ING BIKE!
// You know who

[Andy]

David Beckham is on tour in America and goes into a chemist and asks the pharmasist, " Can I have a packet of condoms please." the chemist replies, " Yep that will be $5 including tax."
"Tacks I thought you had to roll them on." replies David