Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

The Lawyer's Funeral  

A man is at his laywer's funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him.

“Why are you all at this man's funeral?”
A man turns towards him and says, “We're all former clients.”
 
“And you all came to pay your respects? How touching.”

“No, we just came to make sure the ***tard was dead.”  
 

[Karlos]

Q) What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?

A) You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

[Karlos]

Q) What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A) A rottweiler.

[Karlos]

Q) How many new deal advisers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A) Well, let's not get too carried away. First you must fill out this form in triplicate...

[Karlos]

Q) How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb?

A) One, but it does has to have a good case.

[Karlos]

Q) You are trapped in an lift with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?

A) Shoot the lawyer twice, just to make certian he's dead...

[Karlos]

Microsoft sue the creator of the tamagochi!

In breaking news, a senior legal representative for the Redmond software giant have announced they intend to take the creator of the tamagochi 'electonic pet' concept to court for plagerism.

"The release of a software product that requires constant care and attention to prevent it's untimely demise is a clear derivation of our own software product that has been in production for many years previously"

[Karlos]

Hi all,

A slightly rude one and nowt tae dee wi' Lawyers!

A bunch of bricklayers are sitting at the local pub. Theyr'e pretty drunk, and the topic turns to 'Big Dave' at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest pan handle in town.

One of the brickies, egged on by his mates gets enough courage to go up to Dave and ask him why he's got the biggest dong around.

“Well,” Dave begins, “every night before bed, I pull out my chap, give it a bit of a stretch and tap it on the bedpost three times.”

“That's it?”
 
“That's it,” says Dave, finishing his drink.
 
So the brickie goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times.
Without warning, his wife wakes up in the darkness

“Hey, Dave, is that you?”
:-P

[Karlos]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, frowning and looking very frustrated,
mutters, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT old question!"

[Karlos]

Wow, three good appraisals!  :-o  :-o

I guess there's no way but down, so prepare to groan...

(a bit rude)

A self-concious wife keeps asking her husband if her breasts are too small.

''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

It's all the poor guy hears. Day in and day out she worries over her cleavage.

One night, before bed, she asks once too often..Fed up, he turns to her with an idea...

''I know how to make them larger!''

''How?''

''Take a wad of loo paper and rub it in between them.''

''And you think that'll work?''

''Without doubt.''

''How long will it take do you reckon?''

''They'll be three times the size in a few years,''

''Really? How do you know that?''

''I dunno, but it sure worked a treat for your a*se, didn't it, love? Goodnight!''

:-)

[Karlos]

Some tip top relationship advice I got sent by a mate stateside...

    For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

    Here is a guide to the point system.

    Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10  after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10

    Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

    Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

    A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

    A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

    Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

    The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35

    Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20

[Karlos]

Hi guys,

Sorry I've not contributed much here lately - I've been scouring the net for info (boooo!) and spending much time working on my amiga (hooooray!)..

[Karlos]

:roflmao:

I'm back after my wee Easter sabattical at home, nice to see the humour is still on tap :-)

[Karlos]

Ye gads! Whit a groaner!



Wow, I didn't hear any decent stuff to put here in a while. But as soon as I do.... ;-)

-edit-

PS the scouse eggs joke was a cracker! Nice one Rob

[Karlos]

A good lawyer?

A well off lawyer was driving his new car through the poor part of town and noticed a thin, scruffy looking guy eating grass. Considering his well off position he felt a pang of conciense, stopped the car and went over to the guy

"Hey there. Why are you eating grass?"

"I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

"Thats awful! You must come back to my house at once."

"But I have a wife and three kids."

"That's fine. There's enough room there."
 
When they were all in the car, the man thankes the laywer on behalf of his family.

"Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

"You're simply going to love it there."

Getting excited, the kids piped up..

"Do you have nice things to eat there?"

"Oh yeah! I mean, the grass out back is at least a  foot tall!"

:-P

[Karlos]

....and if that last one of mine wasnt bad enough :-)

A young student's grandad visits him one week. He sees a condom on the table.

'Hey son, what's this!?'

Suddenly sheepish the young lad mutters an answer.

'It's a condom, you can get them anywhere nowadays..."

"Really? What do you use it for?'

Surprised, and a little relieved that his grandad really doesn't know what a condom is, he makes up an answer to change the subject.

'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

"That's a great idea, I need something like that."

Later the grandad wanders past a pharmacist and pops in for some sanatogen. Suddenly he notices condoms for sale too.

He asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Oh, at least big enough to fit a camel."