Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Wilse]

Guy walks into a library, goes up to the desk:

"Two pints of lager please!"

Librarian:

"I'm sorry sir, this is a library."

Guy whispers:

"[color=9999CC]two pints of lager please."[/color]

[Wilse]

Just got this, which is quite good:
--
> Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't  mttaer in
> waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
> frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses
> and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
> ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
--
How true...

[Wilse]

@Seehund:

That was the groaner to end all groaners. :pint:

[Wilse]

@tpg:

Nice one! :pint:

[Wilse]

The luck of the Irish!!!!!!!!!!!

Vanilla pudding :

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. (ed - allegedly)

"Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to seem hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's
combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one Robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it
also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.. "


The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

[Wilse]

Cyberus wrote:
agh Wilse, I'm aboot to have my lunch!

:lol: Uncanny! I received it via e-mail about an hour or so ago.
Here is my actual reply:

Aaaahhhh! Ack! Spit! Ah've no hud ma lunch yet!

[Wilse]

Is it something creamy?  :-P

[Wilse]

I'd forgotten about those!

I started the first one, called EMINEM because of the first joke.

Vincent suggested the name change, so I changed it! :-)

Cool that they're still about.

[Wilse]

Someone should add a gag to each of the old ones - bump them up the
list a bit. ;-)

[Wilse]

TPG - That is brutal.

Here's another:
--
Disturbing news about Michael Jackson yesterday............
 
In the police raid, class A drugs were found in his kitchen, Class B
drugs were found in his bathroom and class 2C were found in his
 bedroom........
--

[Wilse]

I was sent this list of 10 things to do at work. I don't find it funny in the normal way I'd find something funny. I found this funny purely because of how outrageous it would be if anyone actually did any of these things:
--
1. Keep telling the same person they have bad breath, even if they don't, and then punch them in the face.

2. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives the sympathy remarks, tell everyone you were joking and call them a bunch of wankers.

3. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. In the meeting, pretend you're hacking up a greenie, spit it into a glass and hand it to the person next to you and say "BEAT THAT".

4. Inform a male colleague that he would make a great rent-boy, then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good shag up the arse.

5. Always walk around with a big smile on your face and one hand down the front of your trousers.

6. Answer every question with "F*cked if I know...", then abuse the person with a racial slur that doesn't even match their colour.

7. Brag about the fact that you carry a gun.

8. Run around the office with your d*ck out spraying p*ss everywhere and yelling "It wont stop! God help me it wont stop!" Then when it does, look down and go "Oh!"

9. Ask to borrow a colleague's expensive pen - take it to the toilet and stick it up your arse - return it to the person and tell them that it smells bad and tell them to smell it- when they say that it smells, say:
"It should do, I had it up my arse"

10. Have a poo on your office floor and, when someone comes in and sees it, tell them it's the fake rubber kind. When they try to pick it up and
realise it is real sh*t - laugh and embarrass them in front of everyone.

--

No, I didn't test any of the suggestions.....

[Wilse]

Heard this on the tranny the other day. I'll dedicate it to Calen:

--

Two young Irish gentlemen, Pat and Mick (naturally :-D) are doing their Christmas shopping. Wandering through a large department store, Christmas music comes wafting across the air.
Pat says, "I recognise that record"
Mick says, "It's Nat King Cole."
Pat says, "Well who is it then?"

[Wilse]

Quixote wrote:
@ Wilse:

:roll: Ba-Doomp-boomp, tshing!

Indeed - worse than that, I told it to my Irish house mate and she didn't get it.

[Wilse]

Quixote wrote:
;-) That's akin to not seeing the forest for the trees, then.  Poor dear.

That's pretty much what I was thinking as I explained it to her. :lol:

And she still didn't think it was funny but then I find silly jokes like that funnier than most people. I saw Frank Carson on TV the other night and he told about 30 jokes like that in about 10 minutes. I was on the floor. My flat mate was in the room at the time and thought I'd gone mad.

[Wilse]

@Calen:

No. 8 was one of my favourites too.

[Wilse]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the  cab driver
won't stop staring at her in his mirror.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask  that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK"  the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."maybe we will see what we
can do.

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My
dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."