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Author Topic: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p  (Read 14601 times)

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Offline iamaboringpersonTopic starter

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #44 on: June 11, 2004, 02:08:36 AM »
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
 

Offline cecilia

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically correct' jokes? :-p
« Reply #45 on: June 11, 2004, 02:23:29 AM »
a friend just emailed me this:

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light bulb?

The Answer is SEVEN:

(1) One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced,

(2) One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb,

(3) One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb,

(4) One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs,

(5) One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries a half million dollars for a light bulb,

(6) One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,

(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country.
the no CARB diet- no Cheney, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld or Bush.
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Offline iamaboringpersonTopic starter

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically correct' jokes? :-p
« Reply #46 on: June 11, 2004, 02:26:48 AM »
Quote
(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country.
:-o cecilia! That's not very nice!!

(At least he doesn't 'screw' his secretary ..... "Is Dorothy here?")
 

Offline cecilia

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically correct' jokes? :-p
« Reply #47 on: June 11, 2004, 02:27:58 AM »
 After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said,"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians
waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"
the no CARB diet- no Cheney, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld or Bush.
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Offline cecilia

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically correct' jokes? :-p
« Reply #48 on: June 11, 2004, 02:30:45 AM »
Quote

iamaboringperson wrote:
Quote
(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country.
:-o cecilia! That's not very nice!!

(At least he doesn't 'screw' his secretary ..... "Is Dorothy here?")
I wish he was man enough to screw his intern. instead we have a balless impotent angry moron in office.
the no CARB diet- no Cheney, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld or Bush.
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Offline iamaboringpersonTopic starter

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically correct' jokes? :-p
« Reply #49 on: June 11, 2004, 02:41:10 AM »
A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing  passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really  love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing  gum." The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got  bronchitis."


Q: What do you call a pissed Arab?
A:Hammed

Q: What do you call a really pissed Arab?
A:Mohammed

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a computer ?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they don't get mistaken for feminists

How do you circumcise a whale?
With four skin divers

What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog!

Q: What's brown and taps at the window
A: A poo on stilts!

What do women have in common

1. What do Jelly and a woman have in common?  They both wiggle when you eat them.

2. What is a Yankee?  The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What do women and condoms have in common?  They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?  Odour eaters.

5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?  A Lickalotopuss.

6. Why do men name their penis?  They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of  their decisions.

7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?  Snowballs.

8. What does a rooster have that a man wants?  A hard pecker.

9. What kind of bees give milk?  Boo bees.

10. What do gay men refer to haemorrhoids as?  Speed bumps.

11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?  They both like a tight seal.

12. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and divers?  Mark Spitz and Greg swallows.

13. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?  If it were more, it would be Hell.

14. What has three teeth and sixty feet?  The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

15. What is the new gay Internet address?  c: enter

16. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?  They're right! We do taste like chicken!

17. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?  The balls are just for decoration.

18. What did the banana say to the vibrator?  What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

19. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?  They have no balls to scratch

20. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?  Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken.

21. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?  About three inches.

22. How do you make a hormone?  Don't pay her.

23. What do you call a gay dinosaur?  A Megasorass.

24. Why did God give women legs?  So they don't leave slug tracks.

25. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?  One..Men will screw anything.

26. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?  One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....  the other is used to carry groceries.

27. What is the mating call of a blonde?  "I'm sooooo drunk!"

28. What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?  Oh look! Doughnut seeds!

29. What does a blonde put behind her ears?  Her legs.

30. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?  Your last blow job....ever!

 

Offline iamaboringpersonTopic starter

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically correct' jokes? :-p
« Reply #50 on: June 11, 2004, 02:48:07 AM »
Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with"

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.



Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior  college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the  organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't  think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents  will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same  question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the  eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I  have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your  lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be  faced with a dreadful disappointment.



A letter from a West Virginian to her daughter

Dear Louanne Ellie Mae:

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
 

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #51 on: June 11, 2004, 04:03:17 AM »
Not particularly addressed to you speel, though you seem to have started it.  I cannot believe that a lot of you people have so far lost your sense of humor that you're {bleep}ing about a few -- admittedly bad -- borderline jokes.  Has this site really gone so far that even someone's attempt at levity brings in the thought police and lefty liberals?  If so, I'm starting to understand the problem.  

It's just bleeping jokes guys.  

"Like them or loathe them, there's nothing offensive about a joke when EVERYONE is an acceptable target."
 -- Mel Brooks

"No one can offend you without your permission"
  -- Eleanor Roosevelt.
 

Offline FluffyMcDeath

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically correct' jokes? :-p
« Reply #52 on: June 11, 2004, 05:20:23 AM »
Quote

iamaboringperson wrote:
Quote
(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country.
:-o cecilia! That's not very nice!!

(At least he doesn't 'screw' his secretary ..... "Is Dorothy here?")


That's right. Bush hasn't raped anyone (that we know of) since he found God.

OTOH, Monica was consenting.
 

Offline T_Bone

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #53 on: June 11, 2004, 09:31:34 AM »
Quote

graffias79 wrote:
Quote
T-Bone wrote:
Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A: They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.


That whole gerbil thing is sooo not even real.  I've been to a  couple "parties" and I chat with a lot of other gay men out there and so far the only people that I have EVER heard even mention girbils are straight men trying to be funny.

-Jamie


Did I write that?  :-? I think I posted pretty much just redneck jokes, if that slipped in it must have been a cut&paste snafu!
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Offline T_Bone

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically correct' jokes? :-p
« Reply #54 on: June 11, 2004, 09:42:59 AM »
Quote

cecilia wrote:
a friend just emailed me this:

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light bulb?

The Answer is SEVEN:

(1) One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced,

(2) One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb,

(3) One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb,

(4) One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs,

(5) One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries a half million dollars for a light bulb,

(6) One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,

(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing in a light bulb and screwing the country.


You forgot to mention Bush trying to explain how his little 45 watter is as bright as the 300 watt halogen Reagan had.

Somewhere there's an Enron tie in, but I can't be bothered to work it in!
 :lol:
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Offline T_Bone

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #55 on: June 11, 2004, 09:48:06 AM »
Quote

iamaboringperson wrote:
"In a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle


 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

That whole post ruled!
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Offline Speelgoedmannetje

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #56 on: June 11, 2004, 10:46:10 AM »
Quote

Wayne wrote:

It's just bleeping jokes guys.  
A joke is only a joke if it's intended to be a joke.
Considering Iama's previous posts, I have my doubts that these are really intended to be jokes.
But then, I do not really know if the whole "Iama" phenomenon is one big joke.
And the canary said: \'chirp\'
 

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #57 on: June 11, 2004, 12:39:43 PM »
The subject said "politically incorrect jokes".  Anyone opening that thread has absolutely zero right to be offended by the jokes inside.  The fact that some of you are so goddamned humorless (not you particularly) is truly pathetic.

On any other site, jokes would be jokes, but the same assholes who are {bleep}ing about jokes here really need to relax, or go elsewhere.

Responses such as those by Glaucus will not be tolerated.  If he's too stupid to understand why, then he doesn't need to be allowed out of his mother's house for a week.

If the fact that simple jokes cannot be posted to this site without drawing open liberal {bleep} criticism and offended sensibilities, then perhaps it's really, really time for this site to stop it's operation, because it's no fun any more.  While I welcome discussion of all things, this is simply too, too much.

Wayne
 

Offline Speelgoedmannetje

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #58 on: June 11, 2004, 12:44:32 PM »
Quote

Wayne wrote:
The subject said "politically incorrect jokes".  Anyone opening that thread has absolutely zero right to be offended by the jokes inside.
So it'd be okay if I would start a 'whites only' thread and blacks would have absolutely zero right to be offended by what's stated in there?

Quote

On any other site, jokes would be jokes, but the same assholes who are {bleep}ing about jokes here really need to relax, or go elsewhere.

But these are no jokes. These are rants wich have the appearance of a joke.

We all know about Iama's pov.

-edit-
look, I got some severe political incorrect speeches of the standup-comedian Hans Teeuwen, as well as I love for instance South Park, I like this kind of humour, because I know how it's intended.
And the canary said: \'chirp\'
 

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #59 from previous page: June 11, 2004, 12:59:35 PM »
but... but.... but....

You guys have gotten so used to being offended at everything, and so used to fighting politically that you simply cannot have a normal conversation without turning it into whining.  No one can win, because all anyone wants to do is whine and complain.  In this one thread, I see the mistakes of my management (or lack thereof) over this -- my first and original -- site, and lose all wonder at why other Amiga sites are popping up all over the place and people are complaining about this site's lack of "fun factor".  

{edit}

Looking at some of the other recent threads, it's clearly apparent why other people (former Amiga.org members) would feel this way -- being attacked for asking questions, being slammed for their efforts to better the Amiga (witness the comments in that new file site news item) -- and more.  To them, I apologize.  I'm also a little depressed that the moderation staff hasn't quite stepped up, but I understand.  They can't win any more than I can against {bleep} cries of "censorship" and other patent insults.

After creating the coffee house forums, I truly thought it would get better, but if anything, it's getting worse and the veracious (and mostly badgeringly intimidating) wacko liberals have literally run off the brightest and most constructive members of this site (and the community).  

I don't know how to correct it, aside from simply shutting down the site.  That however is something I'm not prepared to do right now unless pushed -- which a lot of you seem to be pre-disposed to want to do.

{/edit}

I just don't understand it.  spookychick.com isn't this way, and political discussion is allowed there.  This is truly getting to be no fun any longer.

Quote
We all know about Iama's pov.

Thanks for speaking for over 3700 current Amiga.org members.  I'm sure we ALL know about his "pov" and share your particular viewpoint.  Where would we be without you to help guide us?