"In a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said that American politics is becoming meaner and meaner. After hearing this top Republicans said that Daschle makes a good point for a guy who's ugly and probably gay." —Conan O'Brien
"Democratic leader Tom Daschle has been whining all over TV, saying that Rush Limbaugh and other talk show hosts have been inciting violence against Democrats. Which is illegal you know, attacking an endangered species." —Jay Leno
"Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy." —Craig Kilborn
"Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'" —David Letterman
"Following Bush's speech came the Democratic response, which this year was given by Washington Governor Gary Locke because Wisconsin's Alderman Eugene Slasinski was busy." —Jon Stewart
"The Democrats have selected Boston, Massachusetts, as the sight of their 2004 Democratic Convention. The convention will be held in September. This way the Red Sox and the Democrats can face mathematical elimination together." —Jay Leno
"It's amazing how quickly the news changes. I mean it's hard to believe just ten days ago we believed Osama Bin Laden was dead the Democratic party was alive." —Jay Leno
"Because the election was such a disaster for the Democrats, it looks like the leader of the party might be stepping down. But enough about Barbra Streisand." —Jay Leno
"In Ohio, some people will be going to the polls to re-elect disgraced Congressman James Trafficant, even though he's currently in prison. I guess if he's a congressman and already in jail, it saves a step." —Jay Leno
"Former Vice President Walter Fritz Mondale was officially nominated by the Democratic party of Minnesota to replace Paul Wellstone on the ballot. Look out Michael Jordan, Mondale is the new comeback kid. Mondale became the party's top choice over the weekend after the Democrats inadvertently set their clocks back to 1976." —Craig Kilborn
"Robert Torricelli, a powerful fund-raiser who helped raise more than $100 million for the Democratic party, took inappropriate gifts from a businessman, including an $8,000 gold Rolex watch, for which he was severely admonished by the Senate Ethics Committee in July. To recap: raising $100 million in contributions from gigantic corporations — ethical; taking a watch — unethical. That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1974." —Jon Stewart
"Senator Robert Torricelli of New Jersey is stepping down after controversy. In a teary-eyed speech to his constituents today he said, 'I’ve given you 20 years of my life.' He said that — and in all fairness I think that's what he'll be getting — 20 years to life." —Jay Leno
"Here's a great story, incoming Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, he's driving on vacation in Florida, saw an SUV that overturned on the highway, stopped, got out of the car, jumped over and helped the victims until the paramedics arrived. In fact, this is being called the closest thing Republicans have ever had for providing health care to people. He was not the only senator who stopped at the accident. John Edwards the trial lawyer stopped and chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital." —Jay Leno
"Janet Reno lost the democratic primary. When asked about it, Reno said, 'I feel like I've been kicked in the nuts.'" —Conan O'Brien
"Janet Reno lost the primary election for governor down there in Florida. They think what hurt her were the allegations of steroid abuse." —David Letterman
"James Traficant was sentenced to prison for eight years. As he was being led out of the courtroom, his hair yelled to him, 'I'll wait for you!'" —Craig Kilborn
"This Traficant guy is just nuts. In fact he is going to run for re-election from his prison cell. The main issue of his campaign — outlawing sodomy." —Jay Leno
"Yesterday Congressman James Traficant was sent to 8 years in jail. I was thinking to myself yesterday, 'Boy what a success story, from U.S. congressman to cell block {bleep}." —David Letterman
"Ohio Congressman James Traficant, disgraced and expelled from Congress for bribery, extortion and tax evasion. Of course, the biggest offense in the eyes of Congress, he got caught." —Jay Leno
"Don't count Traficant out though. He said he's going to run from prison. When you think about, that's about the best place to put together a political team. Look at who you've got in there, fellow politicians, corporate executives, legal advisors, financial geniuses, it's just like the outside." —Jay Leno
"This weekend big doings down in Florida. Former Attorney General Janet Reno is hosting a dance party at a Miami night club. Not only is she the guest of honor, she is also the bouncer." —David Letterman
"Today is the anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That's the day the Republicans tried to steal the Democrat's plans. That's also the last time the Democrats had any plans worth stealing. It's also the last time a Republican president had a plan and actually carried it out." —Jay Leno
"Did you see Carter and Castro meeting together — dining together? The last time a president embraced a Cuban like that he got impeached." —Jay Leno
"Isn't spring in New York fantastic? The great thing about spring is that it comes once a year, just like a Kennedy trial." —David Letterman
"The Democrats said today that if they were in power they could get Israel to pull out of Palestine. Oh shut up. They couldn't even get Bill to pull out of Monica." —Jay Leno
"It's Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. This tradition began about 25 years ago down in Washington, D.C. by a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy who was spotted leaving his office with an 18-year-old." —David Letterman
"California Governor Gray Davis is returning a $10,000 campaign contribution when he found out it was from the owners of a strip club. To his credit, he's going to return the money to the girls one dollar at a time." —Jay Leno
"On Wednesday, President Bush named the Justice Department headquarters after Robert F. Kennedy. Then he went around the corner and named a strip club after Ted." —Jay Leno
"Politically, the big news is now this guy Senator Jim Jeffords from Vermont announced late yesterday he's changing parties and no longer going to be a Republican, thinking maybe an independent, so he's changing parties. But you know, it's not unusual for senators to change party. For example, last night Ted Kennedy went from a party at Bennigan's to a party at Houlihan's." —David Letterman
"Senator Jeffords says the reason he's leaving the Republican party, he's just fed up with George Bush and the tax cut and he's also fed up with his environmental policy. But the big reason, he says the Democrats offered to let him get in on some of that hot intern action." —David Letterman
"After the switch, the Democrats would have 51 seats, the Republicans would have 49 seats, and Senator Ted Kennedy would still need four seats." —Craig Kilborn
"It seems former Attorney General Janet Reno may run for Governor of Florida against Jeb Bush. She could be tough to beat, she has a great slogan, 'Janet Reno, Best Man For The Job.' ... They asked her about the rumors that Jeb Bush may have had an affair with a former Playboy Playmate Janet Reno said, 'That lucky son-of-a-gun.'" —Jay Leno
"Former Attorney General Janet Reno is talking about running for governor in Florida. Janet Reno is so unpopular in the state of Florida they will not even need to use the crooked voting machines." —David Letterman
"Jesse Jackson's in trouble. They're going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize." —Jay Leno
"It seems Monica Lewinsky is on the loose again, teaming up with HBO to do a documentary about her affair with Bill Clinton. It's not really a documentary. It will be more of an oral history." —Jay Leno
"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." —Jay Leno
"It gives new meaning to affirmative action. She said, 'Do you want some action?' He said, 'Affirmative.'" —Jay Leno, on Jesse Jackson's extramarital affair
"Here's the worst part about this whole thing. During the impeachment trial, Jesse Jackson was Bill Clinton's spiritual adviser. In fact, that's where Bill and Monica got that cigar. Jesse was passing them out: 'Here you go! It's a girl! It's a girl!" —Jay Leno
"Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson — or should we say the "very" good Reverend — is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's "Operation 'Push'." —Jon Stewart
