The Unofficial Professor F J Lewis Appreciation Thread

[Karlos]

X-ray wrote:
The reason you don't have pants is because they were confiscated after you continuously soiled them.

Confiscated by you, a disturbing look of desperate need on your face.

That's scoff-worthy, that is.

Yes, I recall you scoffed them quite voraciously, washing them down with a mug of suspicious brown liquid that gave off a rank ammoniacal smell not unlike your outdoor latrine. The one you haven't been able to flush since 1937 and is fringed with various crystalline substances left behind from the evaporation of the result your visits. Not that you manage to make it there most of the time, standing with the slightly embarrased look of the acutely incontinent as a yellow puddle forms around your feet, extracting dark stains from your unwashed trousers in the process.

[X-ray]

Hah!
You speak of my ablution facilities while hiding the fact that your latrine has been discovered in the Sahara desert, and has been linked to the testing of nefarious take-away foodstuffs of the most devious toxicity.
Only a man with no pants could own such a latrine.

[CannonFodder]

You see your "toilet"? It's in your back yard, it's a long drop "toilet", with a pull cord chain that doesn't work.

You hide from your Mummy's punters in there when the red light comes on you do.

[X-ray]

@ Karlos

See a haughty, proud middle-aged woman with pince-nez adorning a vulture-like nose and heavy Thatcheresque jowls? See her sitting aloof in the waiting area of a Harley Street clinic, one eyebrow slightly arched while she shifts her weight almost imperceptibly from one buttock to the other in an attempt to prevent the passing of wind? Do you see that barely animated figure, totally at odds with her surroundings?
That's your ideal date, that is.
That's who you have been trying to make contact with in the personal advertisements of the Cross Stitcher's Weekly after you failed to find a mate outside the local bingo hall.

[Karlos]

Is it the same lady that had to take out restraining orders preventing you from coming withing fifty metres of her?

[X-ray]

Hah!
You speak of restraining orders when your rusted VW beetle is prohibited in every city center in England. That's because you were luring cats to their deaths on the freeway, by dragging a piece of rotting haddock behind said vehicle.
And that's how you tried to woo the ladies, that was.
But Thatcher didn't bite and that's what made you cry.

[Karlos]

That's just poor. I can't believe you ressurected this thread for the sake of that insult :lol:

Come on man, you can do better than that!

[X-ray]

You're sour because Thatcher didn't bite.

[adz]

Ah-ha! How I missed this thread, but now that Karlos and X-ray are back, perhaps we can get it going again?

[Karlos]

:lol:

I fear I may be out of practice.

[X-ray]

No, my good man, that sort of skill never wanes.
I'll see what I can do.
Where is PMC, by the way?

[Karlos]

I haven't seen him return yet. I think his implant might be defective...

*cough* I mean, erm... I dunno, guv...

[X-ray]

See a rusted, mangled shopping trolley, embedded wheels-up in the river, having been stolen by Chavs?
See the clumps of wet toilet paper strung on the wirework and the half-deflated condoms that were the Chavs' mascot on this trolley?
That's PMC's motorcar, that is.
That's his car after he prepared it for his wedding.

[Boot_WB]

I observe said ambulatory retail aid.
Note how its upturned wheels are covered in what could be described as algae, were it not for the noxiously effluent nature of the sluggish waterway? And how the post-industrial urban waterway poisons even the hardiest of wild plants and seems to cause the very sunlight to shun its urine-soaked concrete canal-path banks?

That's your favourite holiday destination that is. That's your two weeks on the beach. You go there every year you do.

[X-ray]

Said waterway is paradise compared to where you go on holiday.

See an offal rendering plant, processing the guts, gizzards and various off-cuts from the seediest butchers in the most economically-challenged village on earth?
See the huge iron cauldrons used to boil such slop, the bits of animal bowel, mucous, chicken toenails and cartilage adhering to the rim as the contents are poured from there into an acid bath?
Do you see that steaming, gritty, foul pot emitting such a potent stench that not even the bravest of flies dares to draw near?
That's your prime holiday spot, that is. That's where you curl up with your copy of 'Inside MS DOS' to read on vacation.

[Boot_WB]

Ahh, ummm.. an interesting visual image, one which brings to mind the works of Dickens and the late Victorian polarisation between the middle and lower classes. An interesting time from the perspective of social history - a disparate and desperate era, where industrial and scientific progress in the British Empire can be juxtaposed against a social backdrop of injustice and poverty.

One of the more enduring images in the popular consciousness from that time is that of Oliver Twist. A ragged and pathetic figure sunk to the lowest depths of deprivation in the workhouses of Old London; so low in his expectations that the grey and greasy gruel - which would be deemed unfit for human, or indeed animal, consumption in this more modern era was a lofty dream which inspired him to ask "Please sir, can I have some more?"

That's you taking your girlfriend out for a meal on Valentine's day that is. That's your idea of a swanky restaurant. That's your five-star gourmet meal cooked by Gordon Ramsey.