Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

Wow, is that tumbleweed?

Anybody hear that church bell tolling in the distance?

:-)

[Karlos]

Meanwhile, in the Oval Office...

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?  

 

[Karlos]

It's got to be said, you can just picture the scene :-)

[Karlos]

Just when y'all thought you were safe...

Return of the groan :-D

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyser.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm p*ssed!''

[Karlos]

The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded,
"...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honour but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
 
A young lady immediately raised her hand,

"Please Miss, how do you get it last a whole hour?"

[Karlos]

Translations of common male sayings, as according to the missus, no doubt...

1) "I'm going fishing."
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

2) "It's a guy thing."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

3) "Can I help with dinner?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

4) "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

5) "It would take too long to explain."
"I have no idea how it works."

6) "I'm getting more exercise lately."
"The batteries in the remote are dead again."

7) "We're going to be late."
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, love, you're working too hard."
"Sit down for a bit, would you? I can't hear the footie over the bloody hoovering."

9) "That's interesting, dear."
"Eh? Are you still talking?"

10) "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
"Yes, I forgot our anniversary again."

11) "That's women's work."
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

12) "You know how bad my memory is."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the registration plates of every car I've ever owned, but I still forgot your birthday."

13) "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
"Yes, the rest of my arm is still in the garage, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

14) "I do help around the house."
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

15) "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

16) "I can't find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

17) "What did I do this time?"
"What did you catch me doing?"

18) "I heard you."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 5 days bollocking me."

19) "You look terrific."
"Oh, God! Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

20) "I missed you."
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

21) "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"I'm lost.  I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

22) "I don't need to read the instructions."
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help, ta very much!"

[Karlos]

An old un, but still makes me laugh...

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and shouts, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got blind drunk in Singapore and shagged a parrot..."

"Yeah? So why you lookin at me for?!"

"I thought you might be my boy."

[Karlos]

A bit rude :-)

A bloke walks into a pub and orders 6 double whiskys...

Landlord, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The bloke gives him a larconic smile between knocking back his drinks.
"Yeah. To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident."

"Bad luck mate. At least your ok though."

"It gets worse. When I got to work I was four hours late, so my boss sacked me, despite trying to explain the accident."

"Ouch! Yeah, that is pretty rum. Still you could have the git for unfair dismissal....That's something, eh?"

"I haven't finished. To top everything off I came home to find my wife screwing my best friend."

"Christ! What did you do?"

"I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again. Then I argued with my best friend, fell out and came here."

"Fair play there. So what did you say to your best friend?''

"Rover! Bad dog!!" :-)

[Karlos]

:lol: - that last one especially :-)

[Karlos]

Thats a sniggerer :-)

[Karlos]

:roflmao: Thats no groaner!! :lol:

[Karlos]

Two hillbillies, Bubba and Billy-Ray, decided that they weren't getting anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

They attend an open day at a local college.
 
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take maths, history and logic.

"Ok, professor. Say, what's logic?"

"Ah, such things are better demonstrated. Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do,"

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, in which you use it"

"Yeah I do. Damn, that's real good,"

"Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own or rent a house."

"Why, right again! That sure is amazin'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you probably have a wife."

"Mah sweet Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," concluded the professor.

"Damn right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard o'! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Billy Ray is still waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" Billy asks.

"Math, history and logic,"

"What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

:-)

[Karlos]

Now, this is a groaner...

A guy finds a penguin loose in the streets and takes him to the police.
 
The desk sergent said, "We're really busy. Could you take that penguin to the zoo yurself?."

Next day the guy turns up at the police station again, penguin in tow..

Desk sergent, "What on earth are you still doing with that penguin?"

"What do want from me? I took him to the bloody zoo yesterday and he didn't like it, then the guy at the cinema wouldn't let him in..."

[Karlos]

Now that's a groaner:lol:

[Karlos]

This doesnt surprise me that much, thinking about it.

For instance, try reading 'modern' arabic - it's very difficult to distinguish the individual letters once theyr'e in the word and most punctuation symbols are ommited. Yet people manage just fine :-)

Also explains why a lot of tpyos go unnoticed...

[Karlos]

Jeez, you could have stuck a punchline on the end of 'The Ancient Mariner' and it would have been shorter....