Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

I bet Calen probably posted this on St. Patricks' day, but anyway...

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. Eventually, the landlord tells him that the place is closing.
So the the stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the few hundred yards to his home.
He eventually arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom

 When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ''So, you've been out drinking again!!''

Trying to put his best innocent face on, ''What makes ye say that?''

'O'Sheas' pub phoned this mornin, y' eejit. Ye left yer wheelchair there again!''

:-P

[Karlos]

Irish one or cheap git one?

[Karlos]

During his campaign, George W. Bush and his advisors were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.
"Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college?"

"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."

[Karlos]

And as my grip on conciousness and 'political correctness' slips from me...

An English, Scottish, and Irish team were sent out to install telephone poles for BT.

After the first day, the English team had installed 30 poles, the Scottish team had installed 37 poles, and the Irish team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the Irish team and demanded to know why they had done so few.

In their defence, the Irish team leader retorted, "Hey, we saw what the other 'half a job' teams were up to. Their poles were still sticking out of the ground."

groan...

[Karlos]

An essex girl housewife with two burnt ears went to the doctor...

"What happened?"

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"

"They called back."

[Karlos]

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of a hospital trust all died in a freak accident and are in line together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.

Doctor: ''I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.''

St. Peter: ''That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?''

Nurse: ''I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.''

St. Peter: ''Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?''

Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: ''I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.''

St. Peter: ''Oh, I see. Please go in...but you can only stay in for two nights.''

[Karlos]

Stuff you'd never know without movies...

1 It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

2 A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

3 If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

4 Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

5 It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6 When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

7 No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

8 Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

9 When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

10 You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

11 Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

12 An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

13 Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

[Karlos]

Two men were out fishing, when one managed to reel in an old brass lamp..

He picked it up and tried to rub the algae and muck off it. To the two fishermens surprise, a genie erupted from the lamp.

Unfortunately, the genie was a bit naff and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
 
Their wish was granted and the lake transmuted all around them into gently effervescing beer.

Suddenly, the guy holding the lamp got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to pee in the boat!"

[Karlos]

Vincent wrote:

We don't mind groaners here, some of Karlos' recent jokes have been groaners.  Anything that'll get a slight smile will do :-D

I bet you regret that statement by now matey ;-)

-edit-

@Everyone

No doub't you'll all be relieved to hear that I'm about to go to bed :-D

[Karlos]

A silly sunday joke...

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'”.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"

[Karlos]

Hi Vincent,

Thought you were'nt going to be around today?

[Karlos]

Okay...

Q. Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?

A. You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.

[Karlos]

You probably heard all these before...

What a woman says, what she really means...
 
I need = I want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!


What a man says, what he really means...

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted
psycho trauma are you going through now?

You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before

Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!

I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

:-)

[Karlos]

A new house eh?

Rememer - big kitchen ;-)

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he gets interviewed and they hire him.

The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home crestfallen, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough”

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice.

Boss says, “Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign offering Free chips and dip...

A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and eats it.

“Hey! This dip tastes like crap.”

“Very perceptive! Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

:-)

[Karlos]

(very) slightly topical...

A weary Marine pulls into a little town to discover every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere,"  he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't  care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained  in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.  "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed.  "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[Karlos]

Liar liar...

One day, Jeffery Archer's closest friend died suddenly.

Waiting for him at the pearly gates was Saint Peter. On arrival, he started to look around and noticed there were countless millions of clocks everywhere, stretching of to the horizon in all directions.

As he looked over at one, he noticed it had a person's name on the face. Suddenly the second hand advanced two ticks.
 
Puzzled, he asked Saint Peter, "Why are there so many clocks here?"

"Well, there's one for every person living on Earth. Every one lies, the clock moves one second."

"Ah, I see. So, which one is Jeffery's clock?"

"You mean Jeffery Archer? Well, the Boss has had that one up in his office ever since the overhead fan broke."

:-)