Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

I just heard this one. Don't read it if youre' a Bush fan :-D

One day, three boys were out fishing in their dad's boat when they heard a guy yelling for help.
Amazingly, It transpired to be President Bush who, having gotten into difficulty reeling in a catch had fallen overboard and was beginning to drown.

Together  the three boys managed to rescue the President. He thanked them dearly, on behalf of himself, his family and the government. He also invited them to the Whitehouse for a presentation for bravery. In private, he also promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy asked for $10,000 and without hesitation, the President wrote him a cheque for the money.
The second boy, encouraged by this, asked for a sports car and surely enough was taken by a member of staff to the nearest showroom.

The third boy asked for a wheelchair.

Slightly bemused by this, President Bush asked of him, “Why do you want a wheelchair, son? You seem to be a perfectly healthy, able-bodied young man. Do your really need one?”

“No, but I will when my pa finds out whose life I saved.”

:-P

[Karlos]

Ok, heres another...

A middle aged Isish couple, happily married for many years were becoming worried that ther love life was losing its passion. In particular, Paddy was worried he could no longer take his wife to the heights of pleasure he'd once managed.
After a frank discussion they decide to consult a sex therapist.

The therapist was able to suggest many techniques that made the couple blush. But they tried nonetheless.

After a few weeks, it was clear the variation was making little difference.

This time the therapist decided to go along a somewhat unconventional route, "Perhaps we can spice up the mood. Get a strong, young man to fan you with a towel whilst youre making love. I have heard it works wonders from a colleague in the States..."

He proffered a card with a telephone number which he told them was  the contact for an agency that could provide them with such a strong young man, complete with towel...

The couple accepted. That evening, they called the number and within the hour, a tall, dark, handsome muscular young man arrived.

In the bedroom, he stood by the bed, gently wofting the towel whilst the couple attempted to make the earth move.

It didnt happen.

Then the youn man suggested to Paddy that they change places...

After an hour, Paddy's wife was squealing with rapturous delight. Eventually, the young man finished, leaving Paddy's wife wide eyed and grinning deleriously on the bed.

Throwing down the towel with a satisfied pose Paddy sad, "Now that, my boy, is how you fan a towel!"

:-)

[Karlos]

Here goes...

This elderly lady goes to see her GP with a most embnarrasing problem.

"Doctor. I have terrible flatulence. No matter what I seem to eat and drink, I constantly have wind. Thank god, it doesnt make much noise, nor smell particularly but it is most embarrasing. Is there anything you can do?"

Without really listening to her, the doctor proceeds to write something on a perscription form, which he then hands her.

"Take one of these tablets, twice a day with meals, for a fortnight and come back to see me."

So, a fortnight passes, and the elderly lady returns, deeply upset.

"Doctor, I'm afraid things are now much worse! In the last fortnight, I've been just as flatulent, only this time, thanks to these tablets, they have been really odourus. It's most embarrasing, I have hardly dare leave the house! Please, Doctor, is there anything else you can do? I don't feel these are helping."

Raising his voice slightly, "Well now, Mrs Johnson. Now we've fixed your olefactory troubles, lets see what we can do for your hearing, shall we?"

:-P

[Karlos]

'embnarrasing'

Jeez! Typos, eh?

[Karlos]

Another Doctor joke...

This guy is having real problems with irritable bowels. He goes to his GP, who examines him thouroughly and gives him a perscription of sepositries.

Doctor, "You need to take these once every two days. However, they need to be inserted deep to reach the affected area. You may find this difficult, I reccomend that you discuss this with your partner and ask for assistance if you find you can't manage yourself. I realise this may be embarrasing, but it could be for the best."

The guy sheepishly agrees.

Doctor, "If it hepls, I can administer your first dose right here. Then you have 48 hours to talk to your partner about it."

"Er...ok then. That's probably for the best."

"Just bend over the examination table. You may find this a little uncomfortable."

So he does as he's told and the doctor braces himself against the guys shoulder and pushes the sepositry home with a powerful thrust, making the guy wince. Thankfully, that was it for 2 days, and the guy, still sore, gingerly minces his way home.

Unable to bring himself to talk it over with his wife, 2 days later he finds himself struggling to apply the second dose. Cursing out lound in the bathroom, his wife knocks at the door and ultimately, he explains the problem.

His wife, full of concern and sympathy, "Poor dear. I can't believe you would keep this from me because your'e embarrased. In sickness and in health, remember?"

So, she dons a marrigold and gets him to bend over the bath. She braces her other hand against his shoulder and repeats the Doctor's technique.

The guy lets out a huge, moan of dispair.

Wife, immediately concerned, "What's wrong dear? Did I do something wrong? Are you ok?"

He turns to face her, shock fixing his features into place.

"I just realised - when the doctor did it on Monday, he had a hand hand on each shouder!"

:-D

[Karlos]

Hey Pete,

Your rating just went up another notch :-)

[Karlos]

Okey dokey. Another silly, rude one...

A recently married essex couple are having problems with their love life (just like the one I posted earlier - spooky). They go to their doctor, unaware of the mounting malpractice suits piling against him.

Husband, "Well, doctor. It seems my wife and I are no good at sex. What can we do?"

The doctor, already transfixed by the woman's good looks and figure, begins to make advcances on her immediately, whilst her husband, not the brightest of bulbs, looks on urbanely.

Before long, she's screaming with rapture. The doctor, pulls up his pants and straightens his tie.

"Thats how you have good sex!", he says to the onlooking husband. "Any questions?"

Husband, "\How often do I have to bring her in?"

:-P

[Karlos]

:lol:

Q. Whats a yankie?

A. A quickie a guy can enjoy alone :-)

[Karlos]

Hey, where's Vincent?

[Karlos]

Hi all,

Sorry for keeping this silly thread on life support, but...

A bedraggled old bag lady, carrying several plastic shopping bags wanders into the first national bank and demands to see someone in authority.

The receptionist camly explains that this particular branch does not see anybody without prior appointment.

Old lady "I just want to open an account here."

The receptionist does his best to explain that this branch is not for everyday savings accounts.

Old lady "Do you know what I've got here? There's almost four hundred thousand dollars here. In cash."

She proffers a bundle of hundred dollar bills to the receptionst, who in startled amazement contacts the manager. The manager, curious to know just how the woman came by the money invites her to his office.

Manager, "I gather you wish to open an account here and have a significant deposit to make."

Old lady, "Thats correct, Mr. Manager. Nearly four hundred thousand dollars. In cash. "

Manager, smiling urbanely as he tries to hold back his disbelief, "Well. For a sum of that amount, I'm sure we can make some arrangement. If you pardon my curiosity, how did you come to posess this money?"

Old lady "I make bets. Large ones. Unfortunately it's getting a bit much to carry around which is why I want to make an account."

"Bets? You made four hundred thousand dollars through bets? How?"

"Well, I can make a wager with you, to demonstrate"

"I'm not a gambling man..."

"Twenty five thousand dollars says by this time tomorrow you will have cubic testicles. We can sign a legal agreement of this wager infront of witnesses."

Still dumbstruck from the whole conversation and realising he can't lose such a wager he agrees.

And so the lady returns the next morning, lawyer in tow.

The manager, paranoid of black magic, voodoo or some other dark art comes into the office, having been groping himself all morning to reassure his family jewels have retained their original cut. They seem normal enough.
In front of the old lady, her lawyer and his own, he drops his pants and exposes himself.

Manager, "I believe the bet is mine."

Old lady, "Twenty five thousand dollars is a lot of money. To be certian, would you object if I felt for myself? I shall wear a medical examination glove."

The manager's lawyer decides that this would acceptible under their agreement.

So, the old lady dons a glove and goes to check managers' bundle. Suddenly the manager notices her lawyer banging his head against the office wall.

Old lady, "Well it seems I owe you twenty five thousand dollars."

Manager, "I see your lawyer is upset. I take it he isn;t being payed in this outcome."

"Not at all. It's just that I bet him seventy five thousand dollars two weeks ago that by this time today I'd be in the manager's office of the first national bank feeling his privates infront of witnesses."

:-P

[Karlos]

Made me laugh when I heard it at 2:45 this morning ;-)

-edit-

A quick one liner from me bro...

Q: What has 148 legs and just 13 teeth?

A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert :-P

[Karlos]

Don't read this if you live in Arkansas...

Anyhoo, my cousin was thinking to do a gap year in the US. Whilst browsing for accomodation in different areas, he got the following form back from Arkansas...

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

:-P

[Karlos]

A guy goes into a pub, orders twelve shots of whisky and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

Landlord, "Bloody hell squire, why are you drinking so fast? It can't be that bad"
 
"You would be knocking them back like this if  you had what I had."

Landlord, "Really? So, if you don't mind me asking, what do you have?"

"35 pence."

:-P

[Karlos]

Ah, so this is what death is like....

*wonders if people ignore this thread on sight* :-D

Anyhoo...

-edit-
A bit rude this one :-)
-edit-

These three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day.

On the way they would pass a house where the owner kept a parrot and stood the cage outside in the morning to give it some fresh air.

Whenever they walked by, the parrot would call out three colours.

The nuns soon realised that the parrot was calling out the colours of their respective underwear.

Convinced the parrot was somehow channeling evil, they tried to outsmart it by switching positions while walking and even wearing different coloured underwear every day.

However, the parrot, with uncanny, almost prescient ability, was never wrong.

Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underwear at all.

That morning, assured they would outsmart the wretched creature they walked imperiously past the house.

The parrot sat silent for a moment, then with an uncanny sense timing, suddenly squarked out loud, ''Straight, straight, curly.''

[Karlos]

Ok, y'all,

A bit grim..

An elderly gent wasn't feeling too well and went to see his doctor. His wife, to whom he was very close accompanied him.

Having listened to the gentlemans symptoms, the doctor decided that he had nothing more than a mild case of food poisoning.

As part of a routine check, doctor asked him for a blood, urine, and stool sample.

The man, slightly hard of hearing said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and stool sample."

The man sat there, still looking bemused.

Before the doctor repeated himself for the third time, the man's wife leaned over and yelled into his ear - ''Bertie, dear. The doctor needs to take a pair of your underpants.''

:-P

[Karlos]

I bet Calen probably posted this on St. Patricks' day, but anyway...

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. Eventually, the landlord tells him that the place is closing.
So the the stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the few hundred yards to his home.
He eventually arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom

 When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ''So, you've been out drinking again!!''

Trying to put his best innocent face on, ''What makes ye say that?''

'O'Sheas' pub phoned this mornin, y' eejit. Ye left yer wheelchair there again!''

:-P