Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[jd997uk]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too", she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

[jd997uk]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[jd997uk]

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their air force.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

[jd997uk]

OK, here's a couple of mingers............

FRENCH VETERAN
Q: How can you recognize a French war veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." The boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" "That would suit me just fine!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by with the same result. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

And last and very least (I promise ;~)............................

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of math instruction.

I'll get my coat.............................

-john

[jd997uk]

A priest is in the confessional booth, awaiting the next confession.  

He is suddenly struck with the urge to use the bathroom.

He peeres out the curtin, and sees a janitor. He motions for the janitor to come over.

"I need to go to the bathroom, can you watch the booth for a few minutes?"

"I know nothing about this father."

"It's easy, above the window is a list of all sins and the appropriate hail mary's."

"OK, but please hurry up!" A few minutes go by and a women enters the booth.

"Bless me father for I have sinned, for I have commited Oral Sex"

The janitor looks at the chart, and it says nothing of Oral Sex.

He looks out the curtain and sees an alter boy, and motions the alter boy to come over.

"What does the priest give for Oral Sex?"

The alter boy responds "Milk and Cookies, why do you ask?"

[jd997uk]

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.  

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[jd997uk]

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About two cans of hair spray

What do fish say when they his a concrete wall?
Dam.

What do Eskimos get for sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

Whats the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.

[jd997uk]

@Karlos

You'll be proud of this one. Are you sitting comfortably? Good, now I'll begin.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right ... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...



(wait for it)


(it's coming)


(take a deep breath)






"He should have quit while he was a head!"

[jd997uk]

@Vincent

Thanks. It's difficult finding jokes tha meet the required, erm 'standard'  :-D

Anyhow, just for you, listed below are a compilation of Ladybird book titles that never were.

1. You Are Different And That's Bad.
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables.
3. Dad's New Wife Robert.
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
12. You Were an Accident
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

[jd997uk]

IRB Rugby World Cup 2003

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being motivated by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following displays:

A. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now. Failing that they will see what the Americans are doing and join in.

B. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.

C. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

D. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

E. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the England team.

F. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

G. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called Saving No.8 Lyle'.

H. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

I. The Italian team will arrive in red penis-substituting cars, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

J. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

K. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

L. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the half-way line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of Wales!) and burn the officials.

However the French may not attend the World Cup at all as it involves the deployment of Frenchmen for violent physical activity in another part of the world.

M. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.


-john