Q: What do you call an Abo ('Abo' is just short for Aboriginal, BTW
in a suit?
A: The defendant.
Q: What do you call an Abo with a gun?
A: Sir.
Q: How can you tell a Jewish house?
A: Toilet paper on the washing line.
Q: What's another way you can you tell a Jewish house?
A: Padlocks on the rubbish bins.
Q: How can you tell a Jewish house at Christmas?
A: Parking meter on the roof.
Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney and says "Hi kids! You want to buy some presents?"Q: Why do New Yorkers have glass rubbish bins?
A: So the Jews can go "window shopping".
Q: How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A: Someone dropped 20 cents down a rabbit hole at a Jewish Convention.
Q: Why are Yankee dollars green?
A: Because the Jews pick them before they're ripe.
Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?
A: Because someone dropped a twenty-cent piece.
Q: Why do Jewish wives use gold diaphragms?
A: Their husbands like coming into money.
Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.
"Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse".
"Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week".
Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.
"Well, Morrie, how's your warehouse business going?".
"Oy vey, Abraham, it's not going so good, we had a flood last week."
"So, Morrie," whispers Abraham "How do you start a flood?".
Little Sarah swallows a $1 coin.
"Quick!", shouts her mother, "Send for a doctor!"
"Doctor? Rubbish!", shouts her father, "Send for Abraham Goldberg! He can get money out of anybody!"
Characteristics of Scots in jokes: Portrayed as money-grabbing and stingy.
Many Jewish jokes can be adapted as Scottish jokes.
McTavish, on a free trip to the pokies, had spent the entire two dollars he had brought along without winning a cent.
Thoroughly disgusted, he stalked off to visit the gents and discovered that he needed 20 cents to use one of the cubicles.
A man standing nearby gave him the necessary coin, but just as McTavish was about to use it he spotted someone leaving, so he grabbed the door before it slammed shut and got in for free.
And so, with a spare 20 cents to spend, he returned to the machines and had a final fling.
And wouldn't you know it? He scored the $10,000 jackpot!
McTavish was ecstatic. "If it hadnae been for yon laddie I'd no ha' won," he exclaimed, "The mon deserves to be rewarded - I'll give him his twenty cents back.
Two brothers, both Scots, named Jock and Sandy, go into business together. At the end of the first year they try to balance their account books, but were $9.50 short. They tried again and again, but no matter which way they tried to do it, they always came out $9.50 short.
"Tell me the truth, Sandy," asked Jock, "Are you keeping a woman on the side?"
Q: How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?
A: Wave at him.
Q: Why did the Irishman refuse to be a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Because he didn't see the accident.
Q: What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: How do you keep an Irishman happy in his old age?
A: Tell him a joke when he's young.
What does an Irishman call his pet zebra?
Spot.
Did you hear about the Irish Rap Dancer who spent six hours in Myers looking for a cap with a peak at the back?
Then there was the Irishman who was stranded for an hour in a supermarket when the escalator broke down.
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Irish burglar" Did you hear about the Pole who had a penis transplant?
His hand rejected it.
Do you know why the suicide rate in Poland is so low?
Because you can't jump out of a basement window.
How can you tell a Polish Peeping Tom?
(Pull out front of own pants and look down).
Why do Poles have such beautiful noses?
They're hand-picked.
Did you hear about the Polish bank?
You bring in a toaster and they give you a thousand dollars.
Hold up a fork.
Q: What's this?
A: A Polish coke spoon.
What's the Polish definition of foreplay?
"Brace yourself, Olga!"
What do Poles wear to weddings?
Formal bowling shirts.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Poland?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Have you ever seen the Polish sex manual?:
1) In.
2) Out.
3) Repeat if necessary.
A widower was devoted to his only daughter and naturally was concerned when she decided not only to get married but to marry a Greek. Blushing furiously; he sat her down to discuss the facts of life, but she brushed him aside, telling him she knew all about those things and not to worry.
"Well, just one thing," the father implored. "If he asks you to turn over in bed, you don't have to."
The young couple got married and were extremely happy until about eight months had gone by. Embracing his wife in bed, the Greek said "Why don't you roll over, dearest?"
"Oh, no, you don't!" she said. "My father said if I don't want to, I don't have to."
"Whatsamatter," he said, "don't you wanna get pregnant?"
Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Greek, are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.
The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they give up the one thing that each of them wants most of all in life, not even to attempt to attain it.
BANG!! They're back in the same street they came from, all a bit shocked by the experience.
Within a few minutes, they're passing by a pizza shop. The Italian can't help himself, he runs in, and just as he's about to take a bite of pizza, BANG!!, the Italian disappears - he's gone back to Heaven.
The other two are quite shocked by this, but then continue on walking. Just then, a dollar coin rolls across the footpath in front of the two men. The Jew can't help himself, he bends over, and just as he's about to pick up the coin, BANG!!, the Greek disappears.
Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A: Because you couldn't get that much {bleep} into a shoe.
Q: Did you hear about the Italian-American who emigrated to Poland?
A: He raised the IQ of both countries. Q: What would your call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Why are camels called "Ships of the Desert"?
A: Because they're full of Muslim semen.
Q: What's the definition of a virgin in England?
A: Any female under the age of eighteen.
Q: What's the definition of a virgin in France?
A: Any female under the age of sixteen.
Q: What's the definition of a virgin in the Middle East?
A: Any camel that can run faster than an Muslim.
Teacher says to class: "I shall now read you some quotes. Whoever can tell me who said them, and when, they can go home early".
Teacher: "Who said "We will fight them on the beaches"?"
Lim Sung Wu: "Winston Churchill, 1942".
Teacher: "Very good, you can go home right now, if you wish".
Lim Sung Wu: "I will stay teacher, I'm going to be a doctor, and I need to learn all I can".
Teacher: "Who said "I shall return"?"
Sing Lam Po: "Douglas McArthur, 1944".
Teacher: "Very good, you can go home right now, if you wish".
Sing Lam Po: "I will stay teacher, I'm going to be a lawyer, and I need to learn all I can".
Johnny, at the back of the room, mutters: "Bloody Asians".
Teacher: "Who said that?"
Johnny: "Pauline Hanson, 1996", and he runs out of the room, "I'm going home now, see you tomorrow, teacher".
Teacher: "Johnny, put the word INFATUATION in a sentence".
Johnny: "A Jap tourist walks into Pauline Hanson's fish and chip shop, and asks her `How do you cook your chips?', so Pauline tells him, `In fat you Asian'".Q: How do you Filipino.
A: The same way you Pakistani.
Q: What's the difference between a pot of lobsters and a group of Japanese tourists who've just been run over by a steamroller?
A: There's no difference, they're all crustaceans ("crushed Asians").
Japanese man is in an Australian bank when he sees an Australian cashing in 100 American dollars, getting 143 Australian dollars in return. Remembering that he has some American money at home (left over from his last holiday), the Jap returns the next day to the bank to cash his money in.
Jap to teller: "Here is 100 American dollars, please exchange it for Australian dollars".
The teller gives him 133 Australian dollars.
Jap: "What's this? Yesterday you gave an Australian man 143 dollars for the same amount, but now you give me only 133. Why?"
Teller: "Fluctuations".
Jap: "Yeah? Well, fluck you Aussies too!!"
Q: What do you call a fat Chinaman?
A: A Chunk.
Q: Why were so many Blacks killed in Vietnam?
A: Because every time the sergeant said "Git down", they all jumped up and started dancing.
Q: What does NBA mean ?
A: Nothing but Africans.
Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans have chequebooks?
A: Because it's hard to sign your name with spray paint.
Q: What's six miles long and goes four miles per hour?
A. A Mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Iranian?
A: Oil of Ol'e.Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
A: No idea; but it can sure pick lettuce.
Q: Why did God give Mexicans noses?
A: So they'd have something to pick in the off season.
Have you seen the world's shortest books?:
Irish Wit and Wisdom.
Jewish Business Ethics.
Italian War Heroes.
Negroes I Have Met While Yachting.
Aboriginal Hygeine Hints.
Adolf Hitler’s Kosher Recipes.
Muslim Pork Dishes.
The Amish Phone Book.
Things I Can`t Afford by Bill Gates.
Great Women Drivers of Today.
The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex.
The Book of Good Australian Beer.
Beauty Secrets by Cathy Freeman.
How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a {bleep} fight?
He enters a duck.
How can you tell if a Pole is present?
He bets money on the duck.
How can you tell if an Italian is present?
The duck wins.
Q: What's the difference between Circular Quay and a poof with AIDS?
A: One's a ferry terminal, the other's a terminal fairy.
Q: What do you call an Irish homosexual?
A: Gay-lick.
Q: Why did the homosexual leave home?
A: He didn't like the way he was being reared.
Q: What did one lesbian say to the other?
A: "Your face or mine?"
Q: Considering that in order to get married, two heterosexuals have to get a marriage licence, what do two lesbians have to get?
A: A liquor licence.
Q: What do you call a gay milkman?
A: A Dairy Queen.
Q: Why was the homosexual fired from his job at the sperm bank?
A: For drinking on the job.
Q: Have you seen Stevie Wonder's latest CD?
A: No? Well, neither has he!.
Stevie Wonder is walking down the aisle of the supermarket, and he's swinging his cane about, knocking boxes off the shelves on the right, knocking boxes off the shelves on the left, knocking more boxes off the shelves on the right...
...and the store manager comes running up to see what's going on, carefully steps over all the boxes strewn everywhere, sees it's Stevie Wonder - so he says "Can I help you?".
"No," says Stevie "I'm just looking". :-o :-o :-o :-o :-o :-o
Far out!!! I think that's enough of that crap!
I'm going for a lie down...
