Never been much for gardening so it came to that time of year today (it was actually sunny) to go out and mow the lawn, well I say mow the lawn but it was more like hacking my way through the deepest Amazon forest (thought I spotted a tribe of pygmy head hunters, turned out it was just some squirrels playing at cowboys and injuns)...
Anywhoo after 3 hours of hacking down the grass and weeds ( the doc leave weeds were nearly five foot tall) to a length where I could actually use the lawnmower without it actually getting lost I soon had a nice back lawn full of dead grass and not a bit of green in site...
As I stood there puffing on a fag admiring my handywork I looked at the big Horse Chestnut tree at the back of me garden that's over 90 foot tall and about 35 feet in circumference and thought... hmmm those lower branches could do with a wee trim...
So I dug out me bow saw and my three rung step ladder and began climbing the tree. On me way up I thought it would be a good idea if I cut the last branch I stood on as I sat on the next branch above. So I continued in this fashion circling me way round the tree moving up a branch at a time and cutting the one just below that I had stood on... not one of me better ideas however as it turned out...
It wasn't until I was a good 20 odd feet up and as I sat there knackerd on this really big branch, I looked down and thought ooooh it's kinda high up here... That's when I realised I had cut all the branches that I had used to climb up and now there was no way down... :eek:
As I sat there puffing on a fag old Archie from across the road was out walking his two dogs, Mitch & Travis (What kinda name is that for a dog... Mitch !!!), so as I sat there perched like some big gangly numptie and blethered to Archie about the weather, cost of living, teaspoons and the like, I was too embarrassed to tell him I was a wee bit stuck...
Well Archie toddled off and I sat there for a very long time before that wee fat woman who always wears the same red woolly jumper waddled by with her wee yappie rat on a stick of a poodle, she stopped for a wee blether but too be honest I can't make out a word she says when she doesn't have her teeth in, could only make out something about "sheesh she osher dshay" and something else about what sounded like "shingles & shaushages" !!!
Thankfully of she went, quite a few others past walking their dogs and stopping to talk about the weather (it's all we talk about in this country) saying hello then cheerio and wandering on their merry way...
Well as the day wore on and old Archie reappeared just after 5 O'clock on his after dinner walk with Mitch & Travis, he asked why I was still up there as I had been there since 11 O'clock this morning. At first I said I was just keeping the squirrels company on this fine day but I don't think he believed me so then I told him I was counting the leaves on the tree just to make sure no-one had nicked any...
Archie had big grin on his face and simply turned and walked away back in the direction from which he came. Strange I thought as I lit up another fag and realised I would soon run out of baccy and began to get a little nervous. Then I heard a rattling noise approaching and saw Archie carrying a long ladder followed by his wife their two neighbours and that old woman with the red wooly jumper approaching along the path through the woods...
They all stopped and looked up pointing and laughing and saying things to each other that I couldn't hear, Archie's wife then piped up "Hoi you ya tube ye, yer stuck aint ye"... so I said "no, I'm just reliving my youth" to which she replied "ach dinnae talk keech ya big diddy, Archie get ra daft sod doon before the squirrels think he's wan o rem and kerrie the big tube aff futher up ra tree. Well after much more laughing and pointing and a few loony gestures made towards me Archie set the ladder up against the tree for me to climb down, which I gratefully did as me bum and legs were pretty sore and numb by now...
Well was I glad to have me feet on terra firma once again and after much piss taking and slapping me round the napper I thanked Archie and scurried off back into me house, leaving the so called rescue party wandering of back through the woods with the sound of much laughter still ringing loudly through the trees...
Well I've got some nice bark imprints on me bum the back of me thighs and all I can say is thank gawd that's the gardening over till next year. If that ruddy tree ever needs trimming again I'll be a lot wiser next time and use some sticks of dynamite instead...
Suffice to say if you're ever trimming a large tree then start at the top and work your way down, or better still just leave the ruddy thing to grow the way nature intended, as for me, I don't think I'll be going outside for a wee while and have to put up with all the laughing and pointing from the neighbours (well more laughing & pointing than usual)...
Whomever Invented gardening should be shot and if I ever find him I'll have one or two things to tell the bamstick, Pah... gardening... bloody whole day wasted when I could have been doing something useful like ringing up Virgin Broadband to tell them their service is crap even though I don't use them but I'm pretty sure it must be anyway...
