Again, thanks for the massive rally to help out. You guys are fantastic. You really are. Rarily have I come across a forum as kind and open to newcomers as this.
To all of you who asked about my whereabouts in order to help: Thanks a bunch - I really appreciate the offers and will gladly pay for your trouble. I live in Denmark, and since Andeda has a programmer kit handy and lives "right around the corner" I'm inclined to seize that opportunity if the offer stands.
So how about it, Andeda? Would it be OK if I shipped it up to you? If it's not too much trouble, I'd actually like to send the board along with the PIC just to see if you are able to update it directly before taking the PIC programmer route. Then at least I will know whether my board is truly faulty or not (which would be good to know if I decide to send it back to ACube to fix within warranty afterwards).