Hnnnngh! - title edited to fit in Bloodline's ickle screen ;)

[the_leander]

/rant mode set to kill

Ya know, I'm a fairly easy guy most of the time, indeed I've been called a pushover more then once. But even I have limits.

I haven't so much reached mine, as gone through it whilst on fire.

Past few weeks I've visited my son, Tomas over the weekends, and have been told by him repeatedly, I'm not his dad/he's not my son, now he's 4, and at the time I figured it was because I was telling him off at the time, then last weekend my ex and her bf popped by so I could give her money, whilst they were there I walked up to the bf's car to hear my own son tell this guy "he's not my real daddy".

I've tried for a week to hold the lid on this one and truthfully I thought I'd swallowed this one down, but seeing them again today just brought it to the fore.

Some poor sod on here just caught some flack from me on another thread, but truthfully this is ripping me apart.

I don't know what to do, I've spoken to the ex about this but she either doesn't get it or more likely just doesn't give a crap, so again, what should I do?

[bloodline]

I'm a little slow tonight... what exactly is the problem? Are you able to bullet point it for me?

[the_leander]

Son appears to be being taught that I am not his father and this new boyfriend of my ex is.

Hearing my Son tell this guy that I'm not his real dad, and calling him dad is tearing me apart.

Don't know what to do about it.

[bloodline]

the_leander wrote:
Son appears to be being taught that I am not his father and this new boyfriend of my ex is.

Oh, that sucks!

Hearing my Son tell this guy that I'm not his real dad, and calling him dad is tearing me apart.

Yes, I can understand!

Don't know what to do about it.

Hmmm, Well, by law you should get to spend time with him. So make sure that you keep him informed... Can't hurt to tell him some absurd things about his mother and her family. I'm trying to think of a few things that would really upset her, but not mess him up for life... :-)

[motorollin]

I expect your son is too young to understand. Children often only understand traditional mother/father relationships, and the idea of his mother having a partner who is not his father, and his father being somebody who is not the partner of his mother, is probably confusing. He probably just calls his mother's partner "dad" because that's how traditional relationships work.

I think the only thing you can do is to spend as much time with him as you can so that you will always be part of his life while he is growing up. That way when he gets old enough to understand how the relationships work he will be more able to accept you as his father.

I don't know what else to say. It must really hurt to hear your son say that. But try not to take it personally. I think it is highly unlikely that your son would say such a thing out of spite, which is why I think he must simply be confused about who is who.

[bloodline]

Mark is right, just spend plenty of time with him. As he becomes more aware of the world he will understand. At the moment very little of the complex human interactions of this world make any sense to him anyway.

[the_leander]

Problem is I'm not sure how many times I can continue to hear him call this guy daddy in front of me, indeed, when we're both in the same room (ignoring the serious awkwardness issues that abound) and he's told to go to ask daddy something, he goes to this other guy.

I've tried correcting him (something his mother refuses to do) but to no avail.

I honestly don't know how much more I can take before I crack on this.

[bloodline]

the_leander wrote:
Problem is I'm not sure how many times I can continue to hear him call this guy daddy in front of me, indeed, when we're both in the same room (ignoring the serious awkwardness issues that abound) and he's told to go to ask daddy something, he goes to this other guy.

I've tried correcting him (something his mother refuses to do) but to no avail.

I honestly don't know how much more I can take before I crack on this.

Hmmm, My thinking is always refer to his mother by name, rather than "mother" or "Mum"... get him into that habit so she can see the effect of depersonalization first hand.

[metalman]

the_leander wrote:
Problem is I'm not sure how many times I can continue to hear him call this guy daddy in front of me.

Your son spends almost all his time with your ex, the dominant parent. She's indoctrinating him because she wants to piss you off so much that you quit seeing your son. She has a new BF and wants you removed from the picture. Your son is only 4 and is not capable of understanding that he is being manipulated.

Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex (Paperback)

Divorce Casualties: Protecting Your Children From Parental Alienation (Paperback)

[motorollin]

the_leander wrote:
I've tried correcting him (something his mother refuses to do) but to no avail.

Then clearly she has an agenda. I think you really need to talk to her. Let her know you're not a threat to her new relationship, or the relationship between her, her partner and your son, but that being recognised as the father of your son is important to you. Turn it around on her and ask her how she would feel if she was denied the identity of his mother. Maybe then she will understand how you feel.

the_leander wrote:
I honestly don't know how much more I can take before I crack on this.

That's understandable, but I think it would be a mistake. Show her you are upset, cry if you want to/need to show her how hurt you are, but don't lose your temper. That will just give her reasons to keep you away from your son. Hard as it is, you need to be calm and dignified. If she is unwilling to respond to that, then perhaps you need to arrange some kind of family counseling. A mediator may be very helpful in communicating with her and ensuring a reasonable response.

My dad used to mediate Family Group Conferences. They are basically opportunities for families with problems to meet with a mediator to discuss their problems. The mediator ensures the meeting doesn't descent in to arguing, and encourages the family to compose outcomes which suit the whole family. They meet weeks or months later to follow up and ensure the family are working towards meeting those outcomes. Perhaps this kind of arrangement would be helpful to you.

[countzero]

I think metalman is right on spot here. It's your ex doing this. Unfortunately you don't have much options. You may threathen to cut the money but that could mean you won't see your son ever again. You may go to court (not really sure but she probably doesn't have the right to do this). Or you may just have to put up with it and be a nice 'uncle'. Hopefully, about in 10-15 years your son will figure out what's going on and will hate his mother for doing this. That I know for sure. (unless  you do something stupid to piss your son off)

[Karlos]

@alan

Mate, that's rough.

Is this not grounds for psychological abuse of the child?

[Speelgoedmannetje]

metalman wrote:

the_leander wrote:
Problem is I'm not sure how many times I can continue to hear him call this guy daddy in front of me.

Your son spends almost all his time with your ex, the dominant parent. She's indoctrinating him because she wants to piss you off so much that you quit seeing your son. She has a new BF and wants you removed from the picture. Your son is only 4 and is not capable of understanding that he is being manipulated.

Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex (Paperback)

Divorce Casualties: Protecting Your Children From Parental Alienation (Paperback)

I think this is the best advice; reading information of how others dealt with this.
I wish you best of luck, mate.

[Oliver]

the_leander wrote:
I've tried correcting him (something his mother refuses to do) but to no avail.

I think on a psychological basis, with this situation, your corrections of the facts will not hold in your son's mind, if this is allowed to continue. I'm certainly no expert in this field though.

Maybe when you are alone with your son, you can ask him if someone/who told him these things? Is he old enough to answer a question like that?

I honestly don't know how much more I can take before I crack on this.

In terms of retaliation, I would be very cautious about doing anything which could alienate you from your son.

Do you know anyone who could give you some really well informed advice on this? Is there anyone on the forum with expertise in this sort of matter? I think this forum tends to be a bit more in the technical or creative slants.

I hope it works out for you. I can't really imagine what that would be like, though the heart goes out.

[the_leander]

Oliver wrote:

the_leander wrote:
I've tried correcting him (something his mother refuses to do) but to no avail.

I think on a psychological basis, with this situation, your corrections of the facts will not hold in your son's mind, if this is allowed to continue. I'm certainly no expert in this field though.

Maybe when you are alone with your son, you can ask him if someone/who told him these things? Is he old enough to answer a question like that?

Certainly he would answer, the problem is that I'm unsure if he would answer honestly or do his best to guess what I want to hear... He's at that age...

Oliver wrote:

I honestly don't know how much more I can take before I crack on this.

In terms of retaliation, I would be very cautious about doing anything which could alienate you from your son.

I wasn't thinking in terms of retaliation, but rather that I would have to withdraw from the situation before I break down.

Oliver wrote:
Do you know anyone who could give you some really well informed advice on this? Is there anyone on the forum with expertise in this sort of matter? I think this forum tends to be a bit more in the technical or creative slants.

I hope it works out for you. I can't really imagine what that would be like, though the heart goes out.

Metalman's amazon links look interesting and I'll see if I can get them from the library. As far as someone specific, not sure, possibly not. But I've found in the past when I've asked that even if I didn't get the answer here, I was at least pointed in the right direction.