A very personal problem

[motorollin]

I feel a bit silly posting this here. But I need some advice, and I don't want to talk to anyone about this in person.

Lately I've been having some very strong feelings towards someone I work with. This is totally inappropriate since this person happens to be my boss, and also I am in a long-term relationship.

I can't get this person off my mind. I've been finding I am wishing I am with him instead of with my partner, which makes me feel so guilty because I do love my boyfriend. I feel sure this is just an infatuation which will probably pass, but it's made more difficult by the fact that we work together every day (and even sit next to each other). It's so strange because I've known this person for years and never felt this way about him. I only started feeling like this recently when I found out that this person has been involved with someone else we both work with, and I was horrified at how jealous I felt. Since then I have been thinking about this person all the time, and what it would be like to be with him.

I don't know what to do. I'm starting to obsess over this (and him), and I'm feeling more and more guilty  :cry:

[Karlos]

One piece of advice: Never mix business and pleasure.

[whabang]

Tricky situation, dude!
I've been in a similar situation myself, although that girl wasn't my boss.
We started out working together, and suddenly, we were flirting openly. I got myself together, and decided to stick with my girlfriend (whom I'm now married to).

Before I took that descicion, I decided that I'd never cheat on my girlfriend, and that I'd break up with her before getting into a new relationship. It'd been unfair to do otherwise.

As it turned out, I stopped flirting with the girl at work, and things returned to normal. We remained good friends until I got another job.

Not much advice, I know, but one thing is certain: You need to decide on how to proceed. Any action not thought through might have disastrous effects (especially since it's your boss we're talking about).

If it's just a sexual attraction, then it's probably just something that will pass (the grass is always greener on the other side, and all that). If it's emotional, then perhaps you should take a look at your relationship. Is there a reason behind this?

Anyway, I hope it all works out for you.

[motorollin]

Perhaps I didn't make it clear that I'm not trying to decide whether or not to cheat on my boyfriend. I would never do that. Besides, despite the fact that I have some suspicions, my boss denies that he goes "that way". I'm just trying to get past this so I can get him off my mind.

If this was just a physical attraction I could deal with it. The fact that I'm thinking about this guy so much makes me think it's more.

[odin]

If at all possible I would try getting it out in the open with your current partner and discuss it. It might get it more 'out of your mind' and get some calm in your head.

[motorollin]

I'm not sure how he would react. I think it would be too hard for him to accept that I've been feeling this way about somebody else.

[the_leander]

"Don't screw the crew"

Something a friend of mine once said to me, and something that has stuck with me ever since, office romances are seriously bad news.

Avoid like JW's

[motorollin]

the_leander wrote:
office romances are seriously bad news.

I know. That's why I said it's out of the question. I guess I'm just looking for some advice from someone who has been in the same position as I need to get past this without hurting anybody or making an idiot of myself.

[whabang]

motorollin wrote:
I would never do that.

Oh, that wasn't really a suggestion; I was just rambling about my own experiences. :-)
My point is that there might be a reason for your interest in the other guy, maybe something is missing in your current relationship, or it might be something as simple as a subconscious desire to take a "walk on the wild side".

Those things are usually a reflection of that, which happens without one taking notice, and a sign that something needs to change.

In my case, I needed to cut down on my working hours. I had two full-time jobs at the time.

[Karlos]

motorollin wrote:
I'm not sure how he would react. I think it would be too hard for him to accept that I've been feeling this way about somebody else.

Second piece of advice: Change your signature, lest he ever reads here and recognises the rigs ;-)

[Karlos]

motorollin wrote:

the_leander wrote:
office romances are seriously bad news.

I know. That's why I said it's out of the question. I guess I'm just looking for some advice from someone who has been in the same position as I need to get past this without hurting anybody or making an idiot of myself.

I've never been in such a situation but I can say that "getting shafted by the boss" should be strictly too-much-work or too-little-pay related only ;-)

[X-ray]

I must say, I am of the other opinion: I like screwing the crew. I find that there is less bullsh*t and preening and wooing going on because you already know the person.
The only catch is that there has to be good damage control if it doesn't work out.
But in your case, you aren't available. It's a very definite no go.
You want the boss, that's fine. But you must ditch the current partner first.

[motorollin]

Karlos wrote:
Change your signature, lest he ever reads here and recognises the rigs

Naah, he doesn't understand Amigas :-)

X-ray wrote:
You want the boss, that's fine. But you must ditch the current partner first

No way. Not going to happen. Besides, what would be the point? He likes girls anyway.

I appreciate all the replies. I think this is something I have to try and bury. I think it's weird that I never had these feelings until I found out he was involved with someone we work with. I think I feel that this threatens our friendship (yes we are friends as well as work colleagues) which is why I feel so jealous. The problem with being gay is that it's sometimes easy to confuse envy with desire  :crazy:

[Karlos]

And I thought just being straight was complicated enough :lol:

[motorollin]

No, we've got it worse. We have do decide whether you /want/ the other person, whether you want to /be/ them, or whether you're just a neurotic, posessive nutcase. In this case, I think I might be the latter  :nervous: