The Unofficial Professor F J Lewis Appreciation Thread

[X-ray]

Bah, you speak of my word processor, sir?
Hah!

You see those hastily-sketched likenesses of the South Sea Savages in Charles Darwin's journals? The savages who lack the simplest of etiquette, charm and reason?
See their adornments made of dessicated lizards' eyeballs arranged like beads on a thread made from coconut husks?
That's your abacus, that is.
That's what you use for a calculator.

[Karlos]

Be that as it may, professor Lewis, this abacus of which you speak is still too advanced for your use.

See the failures from the ongoing scientific endeavour to determine number awareness and counting skills in animals? Many creatures studied exhibited no evident grasp of the basic concept of numbers of counting, even in the simplest tests.

And that's your level of mathematical understanding, that is. That's why you can't put your trousers on properly; you can't determine how many legs you have.

[X-ray]

"...That's why you can't put your trousers on properly; you can't determine how many legs you have..."
----------------------------------------------------------

I see you are envious of my endowment, sir. You may well look upon that in awe and I will not stop you.

[Karlos]

That's not what your poodle said.

[PMC]

You see that revolting globule of sputum on the pavement over there, bubbly and shimmering with a faint green hue to it?

That's your swimming pool that is...

[Karlos]

@X-Ray

See a body, recovered from the wreckage of a massive warehouse fire at a company producing accelerants? A wizened, carbonized, fragile black husk of the unfortunate victim, utterly dessicated and so extensivley baked as to be unrecognisable as either male or female? Indeed, so corrupted that even the most experienced forensic teams would be hard pressed to identify the remains?

That's one of your patients that is. That's what they end up like after a chest X-Ray with you at the controls.

[X-ray]

 :lol:

[X-ray]

Aaah, good to see PMC partaking of the Great Snobbery.

@ PMC

You see that shambling old woman, the one with the dubious gait, no doubt from years of untreated venereal infection? See that improvised sanitary pad, haphazardly massaged out of place, and now just about to slip through a most unladylike ladder in this unfortunate crone's stockings? You see the hardened crustlike quality of that yellowed pad, from where it had previously been in contact with a suppurating boil on this woman's private parts?
Do you see that pad, sir?
Well that's your brake pad, that is.
That's what you have fitted to your motor car (just the one because you can't afford another three).

[X-ray]

@ Karlos

You see that lumbering behemoth of a man, his features porcine and ruddy, his belly of such immense mass that it spills over the table at MacDonalds, where he spends most of his life?
You see that hardened mass of earwax, long forgotten and partly shielded from view by this man's greasy, unkempt hair? Do you see that foul little nugget of earwax, sir?
That's your newly-purchased diamond, that is.
That's what you are going to have mounted on a ring and given to your fiancee as an engagement ring.

[Karlos]

I have observed the pulsating mass of flesh at a nearby McDonalds. It was very kind of your brother to offer, but I am afraid I shall have to turn his generous offer down. Women are not easily fooled when it comes to gemstones.

See your John Thomas?

Prove it.

[X-ray]

It is no secret I have one, and indeed I note you are still jealous of that. I'll not stop you being jealous, you can't help it. Even the most ignorant and misinformed citizen is well aware of the legendary exploits of Professor F J Lewis, the very man with whom you now converse.

[Karlos]

X-ray wrote:
It is no secret I have one, and indeed I note you are still jealous of that. I'll not stop you being jealous, you can't help it.

Ah, yes. But to which medical cadaver did it originally belong?

Even the most ignorant and misinformed citizen is well aware of the legendary exploits of Professor F J Lewis, the very man with whom you now converse.

This is certainly true at the local kennel club, whereupon there are rumours of serious accusation involving a pedigree poodle.

[Karlos]

See an old "Etch A Sketch", long forgotten and propped up against the eaves in the attic? Discarded after a bored child repeatedly hit it with a brick until the casing cracked, scattering the silvery contents and rendering it useless. Note carefully how the vertical position dial has broken off as a result of the same abuse.

That's your new Plasma Screen Television Set, that is. That's what you sit infront of for hours on end, twiddling the one functioning dial whilst your medication paints the purely imaginary scene of endless repeats that you are trying to change channel from.

[PMC]

@Karlos & X-Ray

I absoluely f***ing love this thread, no word of a lie but I have tears running down my cheeks.  Well done chaps.

:pint:

BTW, x-ray these two characters were a spin off from The Mary Whitehouse Experience back in the early 90s and I once had the pleasure of meeting the great Rob Newman in person, who bought me a pint!

You see that crumpled Tesco recipt on the ground, lying decrepit and neglected in the gutter, treated with contempt by passers by?

That's this thread that is...

[Karlos]

PMC wrote:
You see that crumpled Tesco recipt on the ground, lying decrepit and neglected in the gutter, treated with contempt by passers by?

Did he lose a fight to Sainsbury's "Little Bill" ?

[Oliver]

Hillarious.  Great insults.  My old crew of mates and I used to have great times just insulting each other in the most personal and disgraceful ways.  Unfortunately, I am somewhat out of the practice of humour for several years, since my wife's English just isn't up to it.

This thread is the most enjoyable thing I've seen in ages.  Great insults, great retorts, and smiles all round.   :pint:  Cheers guys.  Thanks.  I'm only sorry I feel a little too out of practice to join in.