Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners

[A4000_Mad]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

:-D

That's a good one :lol:

[GadgetMaster]

Eh, I understand nothing of it because of the quick talking and the background noise? What do they say?

Even I can't understand half the stuff she is saying. That's not the important part. It's the funny Prrrrp sound that you need to listen out for at the same moment she squirms in her chair. :lol:

[GadgetMaster]

A friend of mine won't enjoy the holidays this year.  

Unfortunately, he got fired from a Pepsi factory.

He tested positive for Coke. :hat:
Takes a bow. *Thank you. Thank you.*

[whabang]

Is this the season of jolly thread necros?

[odin]

Nothing worse than a fart you can actually taste :lol: Or one that burns on its way out :roflmao:

:nervous:

I like to keep my mouth away from that particular orifice during certain activities.

[adz]

:nervous:

I like to keep my mouth away from that particular orifice during certain activities.

Yeh, that's some sound thinking there

[GadgetMaster]

Is this the season of jolly thread necros?

Yep and the season for Avatar silliness.

[GadgetMaster]

Two  former friends bumped into each other, and one of them, draped in a  mink coat and dripping in jewelry, went on and on about what she'd been  up to in recent years.

"I've married one of the richest men in the state," said the well-dressed woman, snottily.

"Astounding," replied the modest former friend.

"And we live in the most luxurious mansion in town," bragged the wealthy woman.

"Astounding," said the second woman, hesitantly.

"We're the most popular couple at the country club," sneered the first woman.

"Astounding," said the other woman, quietly.

"So what have you been doing all this time?" asked the stuck-up woman.

"I've been going to charm school," replied the polite woman.

"Oh?" scoffed the rich woman, "what have you been doing there?"

The gentle woman said with a smile, "I've been learning how to say 'astounding' instead of 'bull$hit.'

[GadgetMaster]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig." She retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down dirti mindehdah lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell da 'Mississippi.'


Yeah go back and read it again, and get your mind out of the gutter this time .:lol:
...

[Karlos]

[GadgetMaster]

What do you call a chav in a suit? ................................The Accused

What do you call a chav in a university?..........................The Cleaner

What's the most confusing day of the year for a Chav?

Fathers Day!


How do you start an argument with a chav?

Speak!
 
 
What do you call a chav in a tastfully decorated house?

The burglar.

 

What do you call a Chav in a box?

Innit.

 

What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted.

 

What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?

Safe.

 

What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

Innuinnit.

 

Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight
of stairs.

 

What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.
 
 
 
What do you say to a chav at work?

Can i have a big mac please?


 How do you identify the bride at a chav wedding?

She is the most pregnant one.
 
 
 What do chavs use as protection during sex?

A bus shelter!


What do you call a large group of chavs descending on somewhere (a pub for instance)?

A Chavalanche
 

If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to run him
over?

It might be your bike.


Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police.


What do you call a chav with half a brain?
Gifted.



What do you call chavs with a brain?
A crowd.


Why do Chavs always travel around in pairs?

One can read and one can write!


What do you call a Chav in the dock?

Guilty.


Where do Chavettes go for work?

Street corners.

[KThunder]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig." She retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down dirti mindehdah lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell da 'Mississippi.'


Yeah go back and read it again, and get your mind out of the gutter this time .:lol:
...

That is the funniest freaking thing I've read in a long time