Joke for Friday

[Vincent]

@GadgetMaster

:roflmao: at the 3 wishes.

This is infinitely better than the good old "groaner's thread" :-P

[Doobrey]

At a press conference today, NASA announced that they are extending the human space flight program.
As well as putting humans on Mars and the moon, they`re also going to attempt to land on the sun.

One reporter jumped up and yelled "This is insane, the sun is so hot, they`ll burn alive!"
A NASA spokesman replied "I can assure you they won`t, President Bush has come up with the solution by himself... we`re gonna land at night"

[Karlos]

Vincent wrote:
@GadgetMaster

:roflmao: at the 3 wishes.

This is infinitely better than the good old "groaner's thread" :-P

Hey :-x :lol:

[Vincent]

@Doobrey

:roflmao:

Karlos wrote:
Hey :-x :lol:

*ahem* it was called groaner's for a reason :-P

It did turn into a bit of a competition to see who could post the crappest joke :lol:

[X-ray]

"...It did turn into a bit of a competition to see who could post the crappest joke..."

 :inquisitive:

Oh, so that's why someone said my 'supermarket incident' should have gone in groaner's corner, eh?

Thanks a lot to the person who said that  :-P

[GadgetMaster]

A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?" :crazy:

[Star69]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

[whabang]

 :roflmao:

[whabang]

Teenage blonde to her mother:
-If I get pregnant, where does the child come out?

-The same place you put the... ...you know.

-But won't the child kick my teeth out?

[Star69]

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

[Star69]

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

[Karlos]

:roflmao:

These are quality :lol:

[Star69]

Not quite Friday yet, but I couldn't wait!

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

 

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !

CO-PILOT - Yer nat kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an der brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de HolyMudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

 

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!

 

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the {bleep}pit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist runway in de world!" Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how wide it is?"

 :-D

[PMC]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one afternoon when the doorbell goes.

Nelson puts down his paper and goes to the door.  He opens it to see a trailer full of cars and an oriental gentleman standing in front of him with a clipboard.

"You sign! You sign" says the chap.

"Sorry mate, but you must have the wrong address.  I didn't order any of these" says Nelson Mandela

"So, you not Nissan Maindealer?"

[Vincent]

@PMC

Dear god....

We might not be able to salvage this thread now :-P

[Doobrey]

@PMC.. :smack: