Joke for Friday

[Plus4]

Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were
eating their packed lunches and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas
one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."


Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham
& Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his
death.

Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death
as well.

At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"

Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the skinny arseless bint wearing
oversized sun glasses and trailer trash trucker baseball cap. "Hey,
don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."

 :lol:

[whabang]

:roflmao:

[PMC]

Sven Goran Ericsson is troubled by the recent form of his star player and decides to call him into the office to discuss his form.

"David" said Sven "I've noticed that you look kind of distracted on the field lately, ever since that unfortunate Loos business".

"I'm sorry boss.  I've had something really important on my mind" replied David Beckham

"Well, if a player has a problem then as his manager I must try to solve it for him don't you think?" said Sven.

"You see boss, it's about this birthday present Vicky bought me..."

"I see" replied Ericsson.

"It's this jigsaw.  It's got a picture of a Tiger on the box and it's really hard and it does my head in and Vicky bought it for me for my birthday and..." sputtered Beckham

"A jigsaw you say?" asked Sven, slightly confused

"Yes boss, it's really difficult and it's got a picture of a Tiger on the box it's doing my head in..."

"Tell you what David, bring it in my office tomorrow and we'll try to solve it together, then you can get back to playing football" said Ericsson.

The very next morning, a grinning David Beckham appears bearing a large box with a picture of a Tiger on the front.  Gleefully, he tips the contents all over Sven Goran Ericsson's desk and stands there grinning inanely.

"David" said Ericsson slowly "put the f###ing Frosties back in the box".

[that_punk_guy]

 :roflmao:

[Vincent]

:roflmao: at both.

Heard the second one before, but it's still :lol:

[PMC]

Warning:  Risque joke for Friday, read on at your own risk!


Little Johnny has a reputation at his school for being a gambler.  He bets on all kinds of things and more often than not he wins.
 
His teacher is quite worried and decides to have a quiet word with him one day.  She lets the class go home early but asks Johnny to stay behind.
 
"What do you want me for miss?" He asks.
 
"Well Johnny, I'm quite worried about your gambling.  I thought we'd have a little chat about how gamblers don't always win" she replied.
 
"Oh, but miss....!"
 
"I want you to write 'I won't make bets at school' one hundred times before you go home tonight" she commands.
 
Ten minutes later Johnny looks up from his paper and looks at his teacher
 
"Miss?" He asks "Do you dye your hair blonde?"
 
"Why no I don't Johnny" she replies.
 
"Nah, you're definitely not a natural blonde.  In fact I'd bet £20 that you are a fake" he says, confidently
 
The teacher thinks to herself for a moment and says "Okay Johnny, it will cost you £20 if I prove you wrong" and with that she stands up and whips off her drawers to prove to Johnny that she is in fact a very obvious natural blonde.
 
"What can I say Miss, you beat me that time and gamblers don't always win.  Here's £20" says Johnny.  
 
Her point made, the teacher lets Johnny go home early. She proudly announces to the headmaster that she's finally broken little Johnny's gambling habit.  
 
"Oh really?" replied the headmaster.  "Just this morning he bet me £150 that he'd have your pants off by the end of the day..."

[that_punk_guy]

Hmm, I saw that one coming a mile off. :-)

[Star69]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you

shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women

sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is

delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second

is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the

top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the

wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

[X-ray]

Another one about little Johnny...

Mrs Smith the English teacher asked the pupils to think of a sentence with the word 'definitely' in it. Little Emily put her hand up.

"Tell us your sentence, Emily" said the teacher.
Emily said "The sky is definitely blue"

"No," said Mrs Smith, "that is not true. It is not definitely blue because at night it is black and at sunset it is pinkish."

"I know," said little Andrew, "sponges are definitely soft."

"No," said Mrs Smith, "that's not true. Some sponges are hard, and some animals that live in the sea are called sponges and they are quite prickly"

Little Johnny puts up his hand.
"Yes, Johnny," says Mrs Smith

"Do farts have lumps in them?" he asks

"No, Johnny, they do not" says Mrs Smith

"Then I've definitely crapped my pants"

[Star69]

Aren't you glad you're not Billy/Johnny's parents...

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to

learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a

multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says,

"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[PMC]

A young chap is walking through the countryside watching the world go by.  As he walks he notices an elderly couple nearby holding hands, oblivious to his presence.

"Harold, do you remember that day, fifty years ago when we made love against that fence over there?" asked the old lady

"How can I forget Ada?" the old gent replied with a twinkle in his eye.

"How about you and I make love against that fence again, just for old time's sake?" asked the elderly lady

The young chap thought to himself 'I really ought to see this...'

Sure enough, she grasps the fence in her hands as the old boy approaches behind her.  All of a sudden they both launch into a frenzied lovemaking session that would rival most 18 year olds for athleticism.  The young chap can't believe it, these two old timers are going at it like a couple of teenagers!  The young chap has learned a lesson in the facts of life he never knew before.

He waits a few minutes until the old chap finally collapses on top of his wife, exhausted and can't help himself, he has to find out the secret of their youthful lovemaking.

"Oh it's no secret young man" said the old lady "fifty years ago this fence wasn't electric".

[Plus4]

Glad I sparked such a jokefest....

See you next week!

P4

[GadgetMaster]

A magical frog is walking through the forest w3hen he comes upon a bear and a rabbit. He says, 'since you are the first creatures I have seen, I will grant you each three wishes'.

The bear goes first and says, 'I wish I was the only male bear in the whole forest.'

The rabbit says, 'I wish for a helmet.'

Poof they got their wish.

For the bear’s second wish, 'I wish I was the only male bear in the whole country.'

The rabbit says, 'I wish for a motorcycle.'

Poof they got their wish.

For the bears last wish, 'I wish I was the only male bear in the whole world.'

The rabbit makes his last wish by saying 'I wish the bear was gay'

Then he strapped on his helmet got on the motorcycle and rode away. :-D

[GadgetMaster]

Not really jokes but some interesting ANAGRAMS.

Makes you wonder,...

Schoolmaster = The classroom

Listen = Silent

Clint Eastwood = Old West Action

A Telephone Girl = Repeating "Hello"

Western Union = No Wire Unsent

Astronomers = Moon starers

The eyes = They see

Conversation = Voices Rant On .

The Check is in the Mail = Claim "Heck, I sent it (heh)"

Vacation Times = I'm Not as Active

Software = Swear Oft

The Hilton = Hint: Hotel

[Vincent]

@GadgetMaster

:roflmao: at the 3 wishes.

This is infinitely better than the good old "groaner's thread" :-P