Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

This cookie allegedly came up in organiser...

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.  

:lol:

[Karlos]

Nope?

Slightly rude...

A guy goes to his opticians for an examination. They start talking as the optician is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

"Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

"No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

:-D

[Karlos]

A drunken bloke, reeking of beer sat down on a undeground tube station seat next to a rather sour faced priest. The man's shirt was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

:-)

[Karlos]

C'mon Vincent,

Show me how its done, then :-)

[Karlos]

Nice one Vince :-)

Especially the last one :lol:

[Karlos]

 :roflmao:

[Karlos]

:roflmao:

Whit a stoater!

[Karlos]

Definition of a sonofabich :-)



:-D

[Karlos]

Sure do!

Ah, a quality comedy episode. Which was nice ;-)

[Karlos]

Time for the late night groaner

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.
The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not."

"Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remmber where I live."

[Karlos]

Another groaning oldie...

Hillary Clinton went for her annual medical. After the exam, the doc told her that she was in great shape and five weeks pregnant. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the clinic.

She snapped open her mobile and rang home.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?"

There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

 ***

In a recent interview, Bill Clinton was asked if he had any serious regrets over his time as President.

He didn't really have any major regrets but did feel a bit bad about splashing out on that dress...

[Karlos]

A Frenchman, an American and a Cuban, are standing close to the edge a cliff. Each has just come from a bankrupcy hearing, lost their respective buisnesses and are contemplating what to do next with their lives.

The French bloke, a former wine merchant, throws a case of fine wine off the cliff.

Cuban, 'Why did you do that, man?''

''We have plenty more fine wine in France, which is where I'm headed after this...''

Reflecting on the Frenchmans decision, the Cuban guy throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff.

''Why did you do that?'' asked the American.

"'We have plenty of good cigars in Cuba...''

The Cuban tip toes right up to the edge to watch the havannas tumble to oblivion.
Without warning, the American shoves Cuban and watches him follow the cigars.

Completely shocked, the Frenchman turns to the American.

''What in God's name did you do that for?''

''We have plenty of Cubans in America."

[Karlos]

Two young Italian tourists get on a bus. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

An old lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is soon galvanized when she hears one of the men talking.
 
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

Shocked at the content of the conversation she speaks out.

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' she retorted indignantly, ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the Italian.
''Ima just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

[Karlos]

Here's one I got from a mate in Canada

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander, a Cape Bretoner and a Quebecian. The three searched the island to try to find a way off when the Nefoundlander came upon a lamp with a genie. The genie poped up and said, “I will grant three wishes, so that's one for each of you.” So the Newfoundlander goes, “Well I wish I was back in Newfoundland.” So puff, he was sent to Newfoundland.
Then the Quebecian jumps up and says me next me next, I know exactly want I want. TheQuebecian says, “I would like to build a wall. I want this wall to be 1000 feet high and I want it to surround Quebec, so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, and I want to be in Quebec.” So the genie says okay and builds the wall, and now Quebec is officially separate from the rest of Canada and the Quebecian is back there.
So now the Cape Bretoner gets up and says, “Tell me more about this wall.” So the genie tells him, “This wall is 1000 feet high and surrounds Quebec and noting can pass in or out of Quebec.”
So the Cape Bretoner says, “Okay. Fill it with water.”

..well, I laughed :-)

[Karlos]

I forgot where I heard this one...

An elderly couple have been married for nigh on fifty years. One day they went to a doctor because they recently had been forgeting things and they were afraid that they would leave the stove on.

Doc, “There is no way medically, but you could always write notes to help you remember things. It's unlikely that you will both suffer memory lapses at the same instant.”
 
That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing. She replied, “I was just going to get some ice cream.”

The husband insisted that he would make it. As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, “WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!”

“Okay dear,”

“And sprinkles too!”

“Okay dear.”
 
From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty minutes later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs.

Wife, “What did I tell you? You forgot the toast!"

[Karlos]

One day, a young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
 
''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.''

''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''

''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,'' she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven limes and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.''

''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?''

''No. But it'll wipe that bloody smile off your face!''