Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

Liar liar...

One day, Jeffery Archer's closest friend died suddenly.

Waiting for him at the pearly gates was Saint Peter. On arrival, he started to look around and noticed there were countless millions of clocks everywhere, stretching of to the horizon in all directions.

As he looked over at one, he noticed it had a person's name on the face. Suddenly the second hand advanced two ticks.
 
Puzzled, he asked Saint Peter, "Why are there so many clocks here?"

"Well, there's one for every person living on Earth. Every one lies, the clock moves one second."

"Ah, I see. So, which one is Jeffery's clock?"

"You mean Jeffery Archer? Well, the Boss has had that one up in his office ever since the overhead fan broke."

:-)

[Karlos]

Little Kelly was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Kelly?"
 
"My goldfish died," replied Kelly tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

Thick with sympathy for the little girl, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Say, that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Patting down the last heap of earth she looks up at him.

"That's because he's inside your bloody cat!"
 

[Karlos]

A man and his pet monkey walk into a pub one fine afternoon.

The guy walks over to the bar and orders a pint.
The monkey leaps from his shoulder, runs straight for the pool table and jumps on it.

Before anybody can stop it, the monkey picks up one of the balls and swallows it.

Landlord, ''Hey squire, did you see what your monkey just did?''

''Nope. What?'

''The cheeky bugger just ate my pool ball!''

The guy apologizes pays the landlord a tennerfor the ball, took his monkey and walked out.
 
A week later the same man and his monkey go to the pub again.

The guy sits down and orders a drink. The monkey climbs down from his shoulder and sits down on the bar by the guy.

The monkey spots a cocktail glass down the bar and scurries across. Before anyone can stop it, it grabs the cherry and sticks it up his back eye, pulls it out again and finally eats it.

Landlord, ''Hey! Did you see what your dirty little monkey just did?''

''Yeah, I know, he measures them now...''

:-)

[Karlos]

Hmm, my  firewall's outbound traffic indicator seems to be synchronising itself the VU from amp just now...Bizzare!

On which surreal note, I bid you all good night!

[Karlos]

Hi all,

A happily married couple were looking forward to their 10th anniversary. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband noticed she was getting rounded.

Jokingly, he quipped ''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your ass is huge! I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.''
 
Foolishly feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's rear end.

''Yup, just what I thought. Just about the same size. Honey, you need to cut back on the fries!''

The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

When they retired to bed that evening, the husband, wanting to take back the insult, cuddled up to his wife.

''How about it, honey? How about we rock the boat a bit?''

The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"Hey honey, what's the matter?''

''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ol' ass grill for one little weenie, do you?''

:-)

[Karlos]

Ah, well.

I tried to leave this thread alone. Honestly I did...

A penguin walks into a pub and asks for a sandwich and a pint! The landlord is astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life. The penguin goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road.
Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime fixture at the pub.

One day a circus comes to town and who should walk into the pub, but the ringmaster. He starts chatting to the landlord and learns of the talking penguin who frequents his establishment.

Amazed at this and somewhat skeptical, the ringmaster retorts that if this is true then he would draw in the crowds with an act such as a talking Antarctic bird.
The landlord says that the penguin should be in soon as it was nearly lunchtime. So the King of the Ring sits in the corner and waits.

Sure enough in walks the penguins and orders his pint of Guinness and his tuna sarnie. The ringmaster walks over after hearing the penguin's food request to introduce himself to the amazing bird.

Ringmaster, "Hello there! I run the circus that's in town and I am always on the lookout for new talent. Can I offer you a job?"

"Is it that big tent in the park?"

"Yes"

"The big round tent with the pole sticking out at the top and the flaps and ropes?"

"Yes, that one. With the pole and flaps..."

Fixing the ringmaster with an exasperated look, "Don't be stupid. I'm a plasterer!"

[Karlos]

Wow, I still didn't get kicked from the site!

Here's another...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

:-)

[Karlos]

Okey, here's a better one...

President Bush wakes up one cold winter morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine.

Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.

"Well sir," says the an agent, "he urine has been analysed our team has determined that it's the Vice President's"

Turning purple with anger, Bush shouts, "Is that all?"

"Well no sir. It's the First Lady's handwriting."

:-D

[Karlos]

Gee, I can recall a day when engineer jokes were all the rage...

Anyhoo, here's another non-engineer one...

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, ''To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.''
 
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ''Sorry, I can't do it.''

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. ''Sorry, I can't.'' he says.

The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man comes out of the room and says, ''Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!''

:-)

[Karlos]

Hi Wilse,

:lol:

Man, I thought nobody was reading this thread anymore except Venkman and Vincent :-)

[Karlos]

Vincent wrote:

This thread is now read by 4 people :-D

Bah! And there was me thinking we were gonna be immortalized as a.orgs' 3 stooges!

:-D

[Karlos]

Thanx :-D

[Karlos]

Haway man! Ah' y' tekkin the mickey? :-)

[Karlos]

A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After a while the boy returns

"Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later...

"So, Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

:-)

[Karlos]

No like?

Try this one

An Eskimo decided to go seal hunting one morning. After he had sorted out the  gear for his journey, he set out over the frozen ice to his favourite hunting ground.

About halfway there, his snowmobile started to run badly and make grinding noises. After a while, it was clear the thing was headed for a breakdown. So he turned around and headed back to his village.

With an impeccable sense of timing, just as he pulled up to the local mechanic, his snowmobile died.

He went inside and spoke to the mechanic explaining what happened. The mechanic, needing to take look and see what the problem was, followed the Eskimo outside to the snowmobile.

He raised the hood and began to examine the engine. After a few minutes, the mechanic looked up at the hunter.

“I think  you've blown a seal.”

"Nope, those are just icicles on my mustache.”

:-P

[Karlos]

This cookie allegedly came up in organiser...

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.  

:lol: