Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Wilse]

And another:
--
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 

[Wilse]

And another:
--
>Following a night out with a few friends, a man
>brought them back to show off his new flat. >
>After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
>perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in
>the lounge.
>What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
>Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
>How does it work?"
>I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an
>ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
>Suddenly, a voice from the other
>side of the wall screamed,
>"For F*cks sake, you bastard!
>it's twenty to two in the F*cking morning!!"

[Wilse]

Ah, go on then, one more:
--
>Mick was in court for a double
>murder and the judge said,
>"You are charged with beating your wife to
>death with a spanner."
>A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
>"You bastard!"
>The judge continued, "You are also charged with
>beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a spanner."
>Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled
>out, "You f*cking bastard!!!"
>The judge stopped, looked at the man
>in the back of
>the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand
>your anger and frustration at this crime, but I
>will not have any more of these outbursts from you or
>I shall charge you with contempt!
>Now what is the problem?"
>Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and
>responded,
>"For fifteen years I lived next door to
>that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a f*cking spanner, he said
>he didn't have one!"

[Wilse]

And last but not least, my personal favourite for today:
--
>A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint.
>After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and
>asks for another pint.
>After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket
>again and asks for another pint.
>This happens about another seven times before the
>barman asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your
>pocket?"
>The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in
>there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

[Wilse]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
 
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Wilse]

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.  On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a F*CKING cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.
" It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are F*CKING talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Thank F*CK for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

[Wilse]

Blonde Disclaimer: Sorry girls, people keep sending me these.
--
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde.
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had
instructed. Inside the bag was the following note....
Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!

[Wilse]

@Funeral:

Ouch!

That one went right off the taste-o-meter!

But I iked it.  :-D

[Wilse]

Quixote wrote:
;-) It took a while, but it was worth the effort; classics should never die.

Looks like the classic will be aroud for a while yet!

PS If this works, it'll be my first post anywhere on the web from my A1. Fingers crossed.......  :-D

[Wilse]

@Quixote:

Thank you.
I can now go and kick back with a beer or two before toddling off to bed, a happy man. :-)

Have a nice night, y'all.

Cheers, :pint:

[Wilse]

@Vincent:

You lucky git, a Pegasos and an A1

Well, the peg is in France with Genesi ATM.
I can't wait to get it back and running though - I want to have a go at networking the pair of them.

[Wilse]

>Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert and are knocking at death's door.
>
>As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or such
>
>like, they suddenly spy a tree in the distance through the heat haze.
>
>As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
>
>"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre (Don Pedro). "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
>
>"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
>
>So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of his Babylon, there's the crack of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
>
>His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying
>
>Pepe.
>
>"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
>
>With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a
>
>Bacon Tree"
>
>"Ees a Ham Bush"

[Wilse]

James Bond's best line yet...

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was  just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[Wilse]

A George W. Bush lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a        
  dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than  
  usual."                                                                  
                                                                           
  He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,    
  so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"    
                                                                           
  The officer replies, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his      
  motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set        
  himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went    
  to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qa'ida, or that  
  his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press      
  called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and    
  now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he    
  made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for    
  him."                                                                    
                                                                           
  The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"                        
                                                                           
  The officer replies, "About 14-1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are        
  still siphoning."                                                        
                                                             

[Wilse]

Guy walks into a library, goes up to the desk:

"Two pints of lager please!"

Librarian:

"I'm sorry sir, this is a library."

Guy whispers:

"[color=9999CC]two pints of lager please."[/color]

[Wilse]

Just got this, which is quite good:
--
> Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't  mttaer in
> waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
> frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses
> and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
> ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
--
How true...