A very personal problem

[motorollin]

I feel a bit silly posting this here. But I need some advice, and I don't want to talk to anyone about this in person.

Lately I've been having some very strong feelings towards someone I work with. This is totally inappropriate since this person happens to be my boss, and also I am in a long-term relationship.

I can't get this person off my mind. I've been finding I am wishing I am with him instead of with my partner, which makes me feel so guilty because I do love my boyfriend. I feel sure this is just an infatuation which will probably pass, but it's made more difficult by the fact that we work together every day (and even sit next to each other). It's so strange because I've known this person for years and never felt this way about him. I only started feeling like this recently when I found out that this person has been involved with someone else we both work with, and I was horrified at how jealous I felt. Since then I have been thinking about this person all the time, and what it would be like to be with him.

I don't know what to do. I'm starting to obsess over this (and him), and I'm feeling more and more guilty  :cry:

[motorollin]

Perhaps I didn't make it clear that I'm not trying to decide whether or not to cheat on my boyfriend. I would never do that. Besides, despite the fact that I have some suspicions, my boss denies that he goes "that way". I'm just trying to get past this so I can get him off my mind.

If this was just a physical attraction I could deal with it. The fact that I'm thinking about this guy so much makes me think it's more.

[motorollin]

I'm not sure how he would react. I think it would be too hard for him to accept that I've been feeling this way about somebody else.

[motorollin]

the_leander wrote:
office romances are seriously bad news.

I know. That's why I said it's out of the question. I guess I'm just looking for some advice from someone who has been in the same position as I need to get past this without hurting anybody or making an idiot of myself.

[motorollin]

Karlos wrote:
Change your signature, lest he ever reads here and recognises the rigs

Naah, he doesn't understand Amigas :-)

X-ray wrote:
You want the boss, that's fine. But you must ditch the current partner first

No way. Not going to happen. Besides, what would be the point? He likes girls anyway.

I appreciate all the replies. I think this is something I have to try and bury. I think it's weird that I never had these feelings until I found out he was involved with someone we work with. I think I feel that this threatens our friendship (yes we are friends as well as work colleagues) which is why I feel so jealous. The problem with being gay is that it's sometimes easy to confuse envy with desire  :crazy:

[motorollin]

No, we've got it worse. We have do decide whether you /want/ the other person, whether you want to /be/ them, or whether you're just a neurotic, posessive nutcase. In this case, I think I might be the latter  :nervous:

[motorollin]

I'm resigning in September to go back to Uni :-D

[motorollin]

An ammendment to #2 for the record: I have suspicions that he may swing both ways :-)

But I *know* it can't ever happen. I'm not looking for advice about how to make it happen. I'm looking for advice about getting over this without losing a friend.

[motorollin]

NoFastMem wrote:
It sounds like the guilt is exacerbating the situation by keeping you increasingly occupied with this other person.

Yes I thnk you are right. I am increasingly preoccupied with feelings of guilt rather than feelings for the person in question (though they are still there).

NoFastMem wrote:
The surest way to remedy it is to remove yourself from that environment; easier said than done, of course, and September is a long way off.

I agree that getting away from him is the best answer. I think I'll just have to stick it out until September.

NoFastMem wrote:
Moving on is a difficult process that you'll just have to bear. There's no way to skip through it. But stick to your resolve, hope for the best and you'll no doubt come out a richer person at the end of it.

Fingers crossed. You seem to have more confidence in this than I  :-(

Thanks again for the honest and supportive comments.

[motorollin]

Karlos wrote:

Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
I doubt your b/f will have much trouble with you having a quick snack, as long as you come home for dinner.

Actually, unless homosexual relationships are emotionally quite different, I'd have thought that the hurt caused by having a bit of a fling would be just as bad as it is for heterosexual relationships :-?

Sorry Eyso, Karlos is right in this case. If I did anything like that without telling him it would be very hurtful for him. If we talked about it he might be able to come to terms with me "getting it out of my system", but I couldn't handle if it the tables were turned (and he told me he was tempted with somebody else), so I prefer not to even bring it up.

[motorollin]

Not uncertain. But we are faithful to each other.

[motorollin]

Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
How can you be faithful if you can't bring up your feelings honestly?

Well I think that the feelings I have been having for someone else are somewhat unfaithful as I should only have feelings for my bf.

Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
One can't force one another to not have such feelings. One can't do it even himself.

Yes you're right, but there's no point upsetting my bf by telling him.

[motorollin]

Speelgoedmannetje wrote:

motorollin wrote:
Yes you're right, but there's no point upsetting my bf by telling him.

If you cannot upset your bf, you'll always have to 'walk on your toes' in your relationship. :-/

*Sigh*, yes you're right. I think it's time for a chat  :nervous:

[motorollin]

Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
/me gives moto moral support
Surely you won't have to be affraid of your bf. He chose you :-)

Thanks Eyso :-) You're right, he did choose me (and I accepted :-D ) I'm not afraid of him, only of hurting him. But you're right that I have to be honest with him about this. Think I'll leave it a few days though as our 5 year anniversary is coming up soon.