Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[the_leander]

Well, seeing as I have started visiting another Forum (for BeOS/Zeta) I thought that I'd bring a little insanity with me (only a little I heard someone in the back mutter???)

I'd like to think that Groaners will become the defacto name when people think about bad jokes :-)

Ahh well, on with the Groans :-D

[the_leander]

LOL

[the_leander]

A Pagan Goes to Hell

A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, "Can I help you?"

"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.

"Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course."

"B-but I don't believe..."

"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.

"Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks.

"It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path."

"Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."

"WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"

"Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left."

So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good."

A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?"

"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"

"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile.

"Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks.

"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow.

"Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously.

"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"

"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"

"Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill..." Satan went on.

"Are you serious...?" he finally asked. Satan grinned at him innocently.

"Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?"

Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth.

Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"

Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He rolled his eyes again. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"

[the_leander]

@Karlos

--off topic--

Technically there is no such thing as Hellfire as given out by mainstream Christian churches, Hell, litterally translated means common grave of mankind, it is not nore outside of the original Church has it every been a place of firey torment... Just another lie purpotrated by the church to add more bums on seats, seems simply dying wasn't enough of a threat, and heaven not enough of something to look forward to to get people to switch, which reminds me. There are only a limited amount of places in Heaven, a few thousand or so, this was changed by the aposstle (SP?) paul to anyone good enough, again to add bums on seats....

[the_leander]

@T Bone

Nicely caught mate, dunno about the timeshare, I plan on either reincarnation or summerland ;-)

Right, back on topic, I give you the following:

You might be a techno pagan if....

You call your corners on a cellular phone.
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa.
You use a remote control in place of an athame.
You download your book of shadows.
You cast your circle in a chat room.
Your familiar is a mouse.
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer.
Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.
Your altar cloth is a mouse pad.
Your cauldron is a crock-pot.
Your cone of power has a surge suppressor.
Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del.
Your athame has a SCSI interface.
Your OBE's begin with a netsplit.
Your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.
You calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '98.
Your altar has a keyboard.
Your drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).
You do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be.
You don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.
You have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.
You invite the God and Goddess to come online.
You keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).
You participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.
You refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.
Your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.
Your candles have batteries.
Your deities include Murphy and Gates.
Your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded).
Your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight).
Your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby.
Your incense is by Glade.
Your magic wand is a laser pointer.
Your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.
Your pentacle is made of computer chips.
Instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run.
Your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area.
Your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.
You refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).
You do cord magick with ethernet.
You ritually down your server for Samhain.
When your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.
Erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.
Casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).
Your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.
Passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.
Your search for truth involves regular expressions.
You draw down the moon using a light-pen.
Your tarot cards multi-task.
Your daemons collect news for you.
Your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.
You refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.
You tap into the collective unconscious using a web browser.
Your favorite deity has a homepage.
The address of your covenstead begins with http://
Your circle is a token ring.

[the_leander]

Was in Asda today with two full trollies of booze and shopping when a little old lady got behind me in the queue. She only had a pint of milk, so I said:

"Is that all you got love?"
She replied gently "Yes"

So I did the decent thing and said "if I were you I'd F-off to another till - I'm gonna take ages!"

I thankyou!

[the_leander]

I figured the biggest thankyou I could give was to add to it, but yes, thankyou :-)

[the_leander]

A couple of things I spotted on sikipedia:

Hats off to the Icelandic people.

First they declared themselves bankrupt...

Then they set their island on fire....

Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds?

What's the difference between the Iceland volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano is still blowing ash.

And finally, my favourite:

Life is starting to return to normal for the people in Norfolk for the first time in nearly a century now that regular sightings of "the big scary metal dragons in the sky" have suddenly stopped.

[the_leander]

One ticket to Hull please...

The last time Poland saw that much ash in the sky they were related to it.

--edit--

Yeah, I figure I'll get roasted for this one...

[the_leander]

The worst part is that I can't stop laughing.

Well at least I know I'll have company in Hull :lol:

[the_leander]

Shamelessly copypasta'd from another forum:

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So, since I'm bored and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a**e and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

Better watch what you ask us bored people. We have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[the_leander]

I'm afraid I've rather submitted to the dubious humour over at the cheezburger network, particularly the comixed site

More a sikipedia fan myself:

Sky News: eight-year-old girl found dead at a North Wales holiday camp.

North Wales for a holiday? My money's on suicide.

[the_leander]

On typos:

What's the difference between radial Islam and crossply Islam? Is one better in the wet or is that just a tyred old joke?

[the_leander]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.?

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[the_leander]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you £500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."