Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Andy]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you," he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber." :-D

[Andy]

Police arrested two kids the other day. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

[Andy]

Q. Why do women rub their eyes in the morning.

A. Because they haven't got any bollocks to scratch.

[Andy]

I went to the doctors today with our lass and the doctor put this small glass tube in her mouth and told her not to open it for 1 minute.

I offered him a tenner for it. :lol:

[Andy]

Now this must be a true groaner.

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"  Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."

[Andy]

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd   expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."

[Andy]

"Well, here is your problem." the doctor says to the first time father. "It seems that this child needs it's nappy changing." The new father then replies "but I swear, that package said it was good for 8-10 lbs."

[Andy]

Census taker: How many children do you have?
Woman: Four.
Census taker: May I have their names, please?
Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.
Census taker: Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?
Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.

[Andy]

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 AM?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

[Andy]

@karlos  Cheers  :-D

[Andy]

 Q.   What do you get if you drop a piano on an Army base?
 A.   A flat major.

 Q.   What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
 A.   A flat minor.

[Andy]

    A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital. All of a sudden, his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother; a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

    He asked his brother how his wife was. His brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But, the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed. Since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

    The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

    The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

    The brother replied, "Denephew."

[Andy]

What do you call a blonde Skeleton in a cupboard?

The 1993 hide and seek champion.

[Andy]

What have the government and MFI got in common?

One screw in one the wrong place and the whole cabinet's Fecked.

[Andy]

Warning this one is a bit rude got it from my mate Harry.

Q. How can you tell a mechanic has just had sex.
A. He has one clean finger.

Doh it wasn't my joke it was Harry's