Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Amiga Kit Amiga Store Hollywood MAL AMIStore App Store A600 Memory

AuthorTopic: How many of you would like to continue reading this Amiga inspired story  (Read 53 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline agami

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Join Date: Sep 2010
  • Posts: 320
  • Country: au
  • Total likes: 0
  • Gender: Male
    • Twitter
Hi everyone.
I recently developed an outline for a story which is inspired by the Amiga. I finally got around to writing some of it to see how it would feel as prose. Here is some of it and I'd like to know from the community if this is something y'all would continue reading.

Agami

It was the middle of the ‘80s and consumerism was in full swing. Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” was topping the charts, movies started making insane amounts of money, flairs were out, shoulder pads were in, and almost nothing seemed impossible. If you wanted to make your mark you had to be in the right place at the right time, and this is where we find our three girls who moved to New York to see if they had what it took to make it in “the city that never sleeps”.

Paula was in the shower, singing away and oblivious to how long she was taking. The rest of the apartment however, was not dancing to the same tune as Agnus banged on the bathroom door and doing her best to be herd but not resort to yelling because she knew how much that upset Denise when she is trying to find her artistic motivation. All in all a typical morning in this fifth-floor lower east side apartment in the Lorraine building.

The girls moved to Manhattan six months ago from Santa Clara CA where they had all grown up together. After graduating from their respective colleges they all had the idea that New York was the best place for them. Agnus, a Stanford business major, wanted to achieve high-rise corporate success with either an advertising or a financial firm. Denise, a UCLA fine arts major, felt that only in a multicultural metropolis could she find an audience for her artistic sensibilities, and Paula, a free spirited Yale music major, was looking to sing or perhaps even dance her way into show business, Broadway here she comes.

But things weren't going as smooth as some of the movies made it look, and on this morning of all mornings Paula’s long musical shower session was eating into Agnus’ prep time. The interview of her life was just an hour away; If Paula got out now, Agnus could get ready and with a quick subway ride make it to Maddison Ave in time. ‘That’s it!’ she thought. “Paula!” she screamed as she banged on the door. The singing stopped and the sound of rushing water stopped with a squeak of the taps. “Pleeeaaase Paula, I have to get ready for my interview”, pleaded Agnus as she leaned her forehead against the bathroom door. Moments later the door jerked open with a towel dressed Paula emerging and humming a tune while cleaning her ear with a Q-tip. A temporarily off-balanced Agnus watched her in silent disbelief as Paula ambled by and as she completed her turn she was faced with a scowling Denise. “Sorry sweetie, I’ll make it up to you later, I promise” Agnus apologised as she turned back and disappeared behind the closing door of the bathroom.

Shortly after, as Agnus exited her apartment she ran into her neighbour Todd from across the hall. Todd asked if Denise was still in as she had promised to help Todd with some illustrations for a book he is writing. “I’d go in there with some camomile” Agnus said as she continued past Todd, “I may have raised her blood pressure a few points”. As Agnus descended the stairs she thought about Steven, Todd's roommate. Steven is a lot more Agnus’ type, more organised and is better at multitasking. Todd reads a lot and wants to be a writer, but seems to spend a lot of time playing video games. Paula nicknamed them Odd and Even.

Agnus took the stairs as she tends to do when she’s in a rush. Her view is that motion is better than standing still, despite the probability that if she waited for the elevator the overall trip down would be shorter. She emerged out of the stairwell and made a bee-line for the front door. In all the echoing noise of the stairwell behind her she didn’t hear the ‘ding’ of the elevator and as a figure emerged from the open doors Agnus ploughed into it with a force that sent them both falling to the floor. Full of apologies and a bit of a ‘why don’t you watch where you’re going’ attitude Agnus rose from the mess and helped the other person up. “I’d love to stay and make sure you’re OK but you appear sturdier than me and I really need to be somewhere else right now” said Agnus as she hurried toward the entrance whilst adjusting her clothing. She really did need to be somewhere else and now she also needed to avoid further embarrassment. “Mademoiselle!” said the accented voice behind Agnus. She stopped then spun, both as a reflex and because of the tone and timbre of the stranger’s voice. “You forgot your ‘and bag” he continued. A fresh coat of blush coloured Agnus' face as she walked back to the stranger. “Oh, I’m, ah, thank you monsieur” she said as she accepted the bag “I, ah, I really do need to get going” she affirmed, turned around and made for the door. 'Monsieur?!' she thought to herself. Agnus was typically harsh on herself after such an obvious faux pas. ‘One summer in Paris does not a French speaker make, Agnus’ she chastised herself whilst walking to the subway station on this cold early spring morning. As she went to cross the street she glanced back to see the man she had bumped into emerge from the Lorraine building and hail a cab. Now that she had regained her composure she actually recognised the man. He moved in recently into old Mrs Kosminsky’s apartment up on the ninth floor.
---------------AGA Collection---------------
1) Amiga A4000 040 40MHz, Mediator PCI, Voodoo 3 3000, Creative PCI128, Fast Ethernet, Indivision AGA Mk2 CR, DVD/CD-RW, OS 3.9 BB2
2) Amiga A1200 040 25MHz, Indivision AGA Mk2 CR, IDEfix, PCMCIA WiFi, slim slot load DVD/CD-RW, OS 3.9 BB2
3) Amiga CD32 + SX1, OS 3.1
 

Offline agami

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Join Date: Sep 2010
  • Posts: 320
  • Country: au
  • Total likes: 0
  • Gender: Male
    • Twitter
Re: How many of you would like to continue reading this Amiga inspired story
« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2015, 05:17:22 AM »
As Agnus emerged from the subway an made her way to the Maddison Ave. building for her interview, she noticed a cab pulling up in front and to her surprise the man from 9B exited. Noticing the look on her face the man smiled to himself as he buttoned up his suit jacket and made for the front door of the office tower. He opened the door and froze in that pose. Only then did Agnus realise that she was standing still and staring at the scene in front of her with her mouth slightly open. Mr 9B was of course holding the door open for her. In her renewed embarrassment she marched toward the door thinking to herself ‘Who the hell does this guy think he is?’ She managed however to offer a polite “Thank You” as she passed him in the doorway. He followed her in and all the way to the same elevator bank. “Are you following me?” Agnus suddenly spoke as if someone else was controlling her mouth. “‘ow could I do zat? he asked with genuine surprise “I took z cab and I’m azuming you took z subway, no?”

The opening of the elevator door broke the awkward silence and after the occupants emptied the car Agnus and the man walked in and both went for the same number on the panel. “Wait, you’re going to McKenzie Gray & Yung?” Agnus asked. “Oui” the man replied. ‘This weirdness could go on for a while’ Agnus thought as she pressed 22, so she decided it’s time to stop thinking of this strange, yet oddly appealing foreigner as ‘the man from 9B’ and introduce herself. After all, they did live in the same building and now they are crossing paths at the place where Agnus is hoping to be gainfully employed. “I’m Agnus” she said with the pride of an eleven year old girl scout as she held out her hand for a hand shake. “I am Émile” the man from 9B said but only awkwardly looked at her outstretched arm. “Is something the matter?” Agnus asked moving her head slightly forward as if to improve her hearing the answer,  and just as Émile opened his mouth to explain the elevator came to a stop and the doors slid open.

They emerged from the elevator car into the lobby of McKenzie Gray & Yung and strode to the front desk were a fashionably dressed receptionist was finishing up a call. “Can I help you?” the receptionist asked as she hung up the receiver. Émile gestured to Agnus to go ahead. Agnus did so but not before doing a double-take of Jaques. “Yes, hi! I have an appointment with Mr Goldstein at 10:00” Agnus stated politely. “Mr Goldstein is running a little late, please take a seat and I’ll call you when he’s ready to see you” the receptionist said as she gestured toward a generous lounge area to her right, “Can I get you anything while you’re waiting?” she continued. “No thanks, I’m fine” Agnus replied as she walked over to the waiting area an sat down. She was looking at the array of magazines available on the coffee table and was about to pick one to read when she heard Émile proclaim “I ‘ave a meeting scheduled wiz Monsieur Goldstein for 10:00”. ‘What!’ Agnus thought in astonishment. Her mind was racing at a mile a minute. ‘’Why is this guy all of sudden part of my interview? Did she already blow it by wrestling him to the ground? And why didn’t he want to shake my hand? No seriously, why didn't he want to shake my hand? What kind of a person rejects a hand shake?'

Upon receiving the same waiting orders Émile came over to where Agnus was already seated and sat across from her. He leaned over to get a magazine when Agnus burst out “Look! I don’t know what’s going on here, and I’m not sure why you are in my meeting with Mr Goldstein, and if you will be playing any part in assessing me for the role I’d just like to say, in my own defence, I don’t usually…” She got interrupted as the receptionist came over and handed Émile a small bottle of mineral water. At that moment Agnus wished she asked for a mineral water as well. She was trying to regain her train of thought when Émile spoke “Agnus, to be ‘onest I do not know why Monsieur Goldstein is seeing us both at z same time, and please rest assured that…'ow did you put it…I will be playing no part in your assessment”. Agnus considered that for a while and then slowly spoke again “How come you did’t shake my hand when I offered it to you?” In a stretched moment of silence between them Agnus wasn’t sure if Émile was searching for the correct words in English or how to go about revealing some ridiculous fear of hand shaking that he’s had since childhood. Eventually Émile spoke “You ‘ave your gloves on” pointing at her hands. Agnus sat there dumfounded for several seconds and then in a rushed manner proceeded to take her gloves off with such vigour one would think they were burning the skin beneath them. All the while explaining how she grew up in California and how she is not yet used to the cold weather in New York. Upon removing her gloves Agnus stood up and went for a do-over on the hand shake, reaching across the table she proclaimed, again “Hi, I’m Agnus”. Before Émile could reciprocate the receptionist announced “Mr Goldstein will see you both now” and motioned to the door to her left.

Would you like to read more?
---------------AGA Collection---------------
1) Amiga A4000 040 40MHz, Mediator PCI, Voodoo 3 3000, Creative PCI128, Fast Ethernet, Indivision AGA Mk2 CR, DVD/CD-RW, OS 3.9 BB2
2) Amiga A1200 040 25MHz, Indivision AGA Mk2 CR, IDEfix, PCMCIA WiFi, slim slot load DVD/CD-RW, OS 3.9 BB2
3) Amiga CD32 + SX1, OS 3.1
 

Offline gertsy

  • Lifetime Member
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: May 2006
  • Posts: 2299
  • Country: au
  • Total likes: 3
    • http://www.members.optusnet.com.au/~gbakker64/
Re: How many of you would like to continue reading this Amiga inspired story
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2015, 05:43:37 AM »
Sorry. The responses must be so discouraging. Creativity must always be encouraged. Go nuts I say. It's just that I can't resist pancakes.

More votes will help.
 

Offline Oldsmobile_Mike

Re: How many of you would like to continue reading this Amiga inspired story
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2015, 05:47:51 AM »
Right-o, whatever gets your creative juices flowing!  I do like how you incorporated something of the operations of each chip into the personalities of your characters.  :)
Amiga 500: 2MB Chip|16MB Fast|30MHz 68030+68882|3.9|Indivision ECS|GVP A500HD+|Mechware card reader + 8GB CF|Cocolino|SCSI DVD-RAM
Amiga 2000: 2MB Chip|136MB Fast|50MHz 68060|3.9|Indivision ECS + GVP Spectrum|Mechware card reader + 8GB CF|AD516|X-Surf 100|RapidRoad|Cocolino|SCSI CD-RW
 Amiga videos and other misc. stuff at https://www.youtube.com/CompTechMike/videos
 

Offline Bugala

Re: How many of you would like to continue reading this Amiga inspired story
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2015, 09:16:38 AM »
I rarely read any fictional books. I tend to only read real stories, magazines and study texts.

Hence, when I say that I didnt feel interested enough to read even all of this text (i started skimming after couple of lines), it doesnt really mean much.

All it indicates towards is, that those who dont read fictional books, wont read this one either.

However, what i got by skimming, i thought it was fun and clever idea of having three girls named paula, agnus and denise living in Lorraine building. So, yes, that does have some poential to interest me, since that idea sticked on my mind and memory, just not in its current form.
 

Offline crawff

Re: How many of you would like to continue reading this Amiga inspired story
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2015, 11:45:11 AM »
Sorry, I couldn't make past the second paragraph and I tried really hard.
 

Offline Ral-Clan

Re: How many of you would like to continue reading this Amiga inspired story
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2015, 03:13:55 PM »
You're not a bad writer.

There are a couple of spelling and gramatical mistakes (I only read the first post).

Flairs should be "Flares".
Herd should be "Heard"
...and some run-on sentences.

Mostly, though the writing is good.

Also, when you write in a French accent, you must remember that most of the English speaking world pronounces the letter "Z" as "zed". So the alliteration you've attempted only makes sense to US readers. Better to write is as "zee".  I'm surprised you wrote it this way as you are from Australia.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2015, 03:18:04 PM by ral-clan »
Music I've made using Amigas and other retro-instruments: http://theovoids.bandcamp.com
 

Offline agami

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Join Date: Sep 2010
  • Posts: 320
  • Country: au
  • Total likes: 0
  • Gender: Male
    • Twitter
Re: How many of you would like to continue reading this Amiga inspired story
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2015, 04:26:50 AM »
Thanks guys. Your comments are most appreciated. I'm grateful that you even took the time to read it.
And thanks ral-clan for the spelling corrections and some of the other feedback.
---------------AGA Collection---------------
1) Amiga A4000 040 40MHz, Mediator PCI, Voodoo 3 3000, Creative PCI128, Fast Ethernet, Indivision AGA Mk2 CR, DVD/CD-RW, OS 3.9 BB2
2) Amiga A1200 040 25MHz, Indivision AGA Mk2 CR, IDEfix, PCMCIA WiFi, slim slot load DVD/CD-RW, OS 3.9 BB2
3) Amiga CD32 + SX1, OS 3.1
 

Offline Duce

  • Off to greener pastures
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: Jul 2009
  • Posts: 1699
  • Total likes: 0
    • http://amigabbs.blogspot.com/
Re: How many of you would like to continue reading this Amiga inspired story
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2015, 05:52:40 AM »
I enjoyed it, but probably couldn't read a whole bulk chunk at a time.  Keep the updates short, and threaded well, and I'll be looking forward to reading the rest.

Creativity should always be encouraged, without it we're merely dumb beasts.
 

Offline fishy_fiz

Quick piece of constructive criticism,....
When writing fiction, make it interesting.
Seems a common mistake to focus on the writing and style and to put the story last.
Writers often get so hung up on the former they forget that it's not just them that are reading it. Boring is boring, regardless of how well written it might be.
I read a lot and I can tell you now that there's very few books that hold a persons interest for more than a page or two based on technical aspects.
« Last Edit: March 01, 2015, 01:35:24 PM by fishy_fiz »
Near as I can tell this is where I write something under the guise of being innocuous, but really its a pot shot at another persons/peoples choice of Amiga based systems. Unfortunately only I cant see how transparent and petty it makes me look.
 

Offline motrucker

How did you learn to develop a story. I hate to sound like a critic, but, you need to do some work in that area.
A2000 GVP 40MHz \'030, 21Mb RAM SD/FF, 2 floppies, internal CD-ROM drive, micromys v3 w/laser mouse
A1000 Microbotics Starboard II w/2Mb 1080, & external floppy (AIRdrive)
C-128 w/1571, 1750, & Final Cartridge III+
 

Offline danbeaver

  • Lifetime Member
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Join Date: Mar 2012
  • Posts: 2454
  • Total likes: 0
Quote from: fishy_fiz;785685
Quick piece of constructive criticism,....
When writing fiction, make it interesting.
Seems a common mistake to focus on the writing and style and to put the story last.
Writers often get so hung up on the former they forget that it's not just them that are reading it. Boring is boring, regardless of how well written it might be.
I read a lot and I can tell you now that there's very few books that hold a persons interest for more than a page or two based on technical aspects.

This is true! It is more humorous to read fiction that ignores grammar, spelling, punctuation  and coherence.
 

Offline fishy_fiz

Not what Im saying in the slightest. How you came to that conclusion is baffling.
The world isn't black/white you know?
The point is many amateur writers are oblivious to the idea of less is more when it comes to fiction and are more focused on trying to construct "clever" sentences than the important part, which is the story and narrative flow.

Silmarillion vs. Lord Of The Rings for a random example.
The former is technically more impressive, but boring as mud.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2015, 02:39:06 AM by fishy_fiz »
Near as I can tell this is where I write something under the guise of being innocuous, but really its a pot shot at another persons/peoples choice of Amiga based systems. Unfortunately only I cant see how transparent and petty it makes me look.