Well it's Chrimbo day and all is quiet and still here on the a.org...
As I sit here on me Jack Jones I thought I'd share my xmas dinner menu & a few Amiga tips with any other sad lonely gits like myself out there...
To start Chrimbo day off switch on your Amiga and set your favorite mod player to play an endless selection of Chrimbo music that will drive you mental over the next 24 hour period...
Opening your presents...
Well if like me the only presents you got are the one's the squirrels have left all over the floor then...
Solution: First find some old newspapers, string & some sticky tape. Next close both eyes and wander round the house feeling about for things (best to draw the curtains and put the lights off too). when you find something wrap it up in the old newspaper which you should have tucked under your arm and seal with some string or sticky tape.
Once you gathered yourself enough pressies find the chrimbo tree (or twig in my case) and drop the lot of underneath it. Now (still with eyes shut) leave the room and switch on all the lights again. Now you can enter the room and surprise surprise santa's been and left you a lot of lovely goodies. Wow... I got a spoon this year (again) and another Cuckoo Clock just like the one I already had hanging on the wall 5 minutes ago... (unless of course you dropped them in the fire, in which case it's best to call 999 or 911...) IMG]http://i995.photobucket.com/albums/af79/frankosamiga/Misc/XmasSmilie.png[/IMG]
Pulling a cracker on your own...
Even though me squirrels can get a grip of the cracker the problem is every time you pull, the ruddy squirrel just flies across the room leaving a splat mark on the wallpaper...
Solution: nail said squirrel to floor before pulling...
Playing games :-
If like me you only have squirrels for company to play games then...
Solution: Challenge them to a game of Settlers, squirrels tend not to cut down the trees to make weapons so it's quite easy to beat them and burn down all their towns and land, just be careful not to overdo it cos the wee buggers can get quite vicious and have very sharp teeth, as my bum can testify...
Christmas Dinner...
Starters: Vindaloo Soup & nan bread...
Main Course: Extra hot Vindaloo with Vindaloo boiled rice (Use two full jars this time as an Xmas treat)...
Pudding: Xmas Vindaloo Pudding cover in a Mature Brandy (bit worried about setting light to this one)...
For Later on: A few after dinner wafer thin mints (Vindaloo flavoured of Course)...
(For that extra Chrimbo feel sprinkle a little glitter all over you food, also keep a fire extinguisher and plenty of loo roll handy...)
After dinner conversations:-
You can talk to the squirrels but to be honest they don't know much about miggies, they tend to just rattle on about nuts and how ruddy cold it is living up a tree this time of year...
Solution: pick a random number out of the phone book and wish whomever answers a merry christmas, use a name like George or John as the chances are the person your speaking to knows someone by one of these names and just say you met them once in a pub or at a bus stop back in 72, most folk are too polite to tell you the truth that they don't really know you and you can have quite a pleasant conversation with them...
(just make sure you don't dial 999 or 911 as the folks on them numbers can get quite grumpy about wishing them a merry chrimbo...)
At the end of the day...
Well now it's time for your guests to go home, so open the back door and kick all those squirrels out with a pleasant goodbye and see you gain next year. If however you've run out of squirrels then...
Solution... Get all togged up in your winter woollies and open the front door carefully place one leg outside and the other inside, now you can shake hands and slap yourself on the back and with a teary eye say thanks for coming and we must do this again sometime. Now you can leave your house and pretend to wave to yourself as you wander down the path into the dark cold lonely night never to be seen or heard from again...
Well folks or folk (dunno if there's anyone out their actually reading this keech) that's my chrimbo, hope you found the tips useful see you all again this time next year...
Merry Christmas One & All...
Wishing ye awe ra best...
Franko
(coming soon:- Hogmanay For Lonely Amigans ...
)
