Is this funny? (Abduction)

[ChaosLord]

I am writing an Aminet game about duelling wizards who cast spells at each other.

This particular spell description seems mildly humorous... It is like the idea is great but the delivery is not perfect?

I want the spell descriptions to be as funny as possible but not funnier.  I know that you are a better comedic writer than I am so maybe you know how to improve this with a small edit?


Abduction*
Working on a remote island paradise, located slightly to the left of the middle of nowhere, Irvine the Evil sought to rule the world. Unfortunately for him, none of his spells could actually hit anyone.  It turns out that one of the drawbacks of living near the middle of nowhere is that the curvature of the Earth blocks LOS to even the nearest civilizations.

So he took a rusty old Subversion spell and mixed a few java beans into it which gave it unlimited range, no need for LOS and with a touch of Irvine evil it became 6.66% stronger than a plain old Subversion.  He could have conquered the world with this spell but for the fact that he never had a very good aim (possibly due to java bean jitteriness). So this spell just randomly hits something somewhere.

Abduction is an attempt to convince an enemy creature that it should switch to your side.  Intelligent creatures are more likely to see through this ruse than stupid creatures. However, as abduction applies to a random creature you cannot know beforehand the intelligence of the recipient.  Further, because the targeting of this spell is so imprecise it is possible that it will be applied to one of your own creations.  Therefore, the spell is most beneficial when you have relatively few creations.

Abduction will not attempt to target Artifacts, Scrolls, Wizards or corpses.  If successful, the target will immediately come under control of your wizard.

[Im>bE]

Its so fun to just play the game
that I dont have time to read descriptions anyway.

 :crazy:  :lol:  :roll:  :-D  :crazy:

[Plaz]

Try this out for smooooothness......

Irvine the Evil sought to rule the world. Unfortunately he lived on a remote island paradise located slightly to the left of the middle of nowhere. It turns out that curvature of the Earth is a major drawback near the center of nowhere, as it blocks the LOS (line of sight) to even the nearest civilizations.

To try and compensate for this problem, he took a rusty old Subversion spell and mixed in a few java beans. This gave the new spell unlimited range. Now there was no need to worry about LOS problems. And with a extra touch of Irvine evil, it became 6.66% stronger than a plain old Subversion spell. Now he might have conquered the world with this spell. But the fact was that he never could control its' aim properly. This was possibly due to java bean caffine jittery-ness. So when used, this spell just randomly hits something somewhere.

Abduction is an attempt to convince an enemy creature that it should join to your side. Intelligent creatures are more likely to resist this ruse than stupid creatures. However, because of its' lack of aim, Abduction will strike random creatures. You cannot know beforehand the intelligence of the victim recieving the spell. Further more, the targeting of this spell is so imprecise, its' possible that it will strike one of your own creations. Therefore, the spell is most beneficial when you have relatively few of your own creations wondering about.

Abduction will not attempt to target Artifacts, Scrolls, Wizards or corpses. If the spell is successful, the target will immediately come under control of your wizard.

be as funny as possible but not funnier

and you have me totally stumped with that one...  :lol:

Plaz

[ChaosLord]

Thanx Plaz!

You motivated me to change some things around.  I used a combination of your ideas and some new ones I came up with. And I shortened the whole thing down -200 chars.

There has always been a rule that each description must be less than 1000 chars because Magicians typically have bad eyesight and don't like heavy reading.  Abduction is currently 1259 so it is breaking the rules but oh well... I guess it must time for new rules.

1 description down.
999 more to go...

[Plaz]

Glad I could help, and good luck on your project.

been a rule that each description must be less than 1000 chars

I do a lot of lyrics for different projects (bands and such) so I know the importance of "short and to the point" while keeping it interesting. I tried not to mess with any of your content though, and just "peppered" it up a bit.

1 description down.
999 more to go

Good greif. Well, ring me up if you need a push with any others.

Plaz