The Unofficial Professor F J Lewis Appreciation Thread

[Karlos]

X-ray wrote:
Such large mass of rusting utensils being what you use as cutlery.

Actually, that's your Zimmer Frame, that is. It was brand new looking when you left the house with it when you rushed to the post office to get the one parcel anybody ever sent you. When you got there, you found out the parcel was a new cutlery set, actually addressed to me. Your frame rusted in the time it took you to get there and back, it did, despite a lifetime's manufacturers guarentee.

Do you recall that journey? That was your fastest ever movement since you were 30, that was. That was you training to join the nation's athletics team. That was you hopped up on amphetamines, that was.

[Karlos]

See a simplistic string of text that matches the Perl style regular expression:

/well, you are envious of .*?, and I won't stop you\?/i

?

Note the direct evolution from the common "you're just jealous of..." response as employed by pre-school children. Note how more sophisticated responses are generally used once the lingustic skill of said indivuduals has improved, whereas the above response demonstrates only a modest increase in vocabulary, such as may be made by an adult of diminished mental capability. Note also that further evidence of this disadvantage can be demonstrated from the repeated use of the above phrase.

Do you note these points? Very good, since that's your best ever retort to an insult, that is. That's what you use when your'e "owned" by superior insult mongers, that is :-P

[Karlos]

I have observed the phenomenon, I found it particularly reminiscent of the last time you attempted to make dinner.

Well I am tayloring the evolution (or lack thereof) of my comments, to the IQ of the person to whom it is directed

And that's why your'e losing, that is. Like a totally blind man taking a free kick after being deliberately spun in circles, you are aiming in completely the wrong direction. I would suggest you look upwards, if your ageing hunched back would allow it, but I fear you may injure yourself fatally in the attempt, thus denying me of the amusement I derive from your attempts at insult mongering, comedic as they are, but only in the tragedy of their ineffectual delivery.

[Karlos]

(time for a few visual gags. I found these and just knew I had to use them :lol:)

See that "Heino", as depicted on the cover of his single "Liebe Mutter" famed as one of the worst album covers of all time?



See his dreadful 1960's fashion victim appearence, thick rimmed glasses that look bad even compared to those given by the National Health Service during the 1970's? See his effeminite pout and general lack of manliness?

That's your idea of style that is. You tried to copy it, but he found out and challenged you. You subsequently lost a fight to him, you did. Then he bullied you for a decade before finally making you his "b!tch", pimping you around seedy clubs where he made you wear a leather thong and gimp mask whilst lecturing on the reform period to a private audience of extremely "special interest" (read disturbed) perverts.

And that was your best ever job, that was.

[Karlos]

See this group of people, clearly the end result of systematic inbreeding and extreme social introversion?




That's you with with your best friends, that is. That's you on the right, taken before the others decided you cramped their style too much and shunned you.

[Karlos]

See an old cornflake box with a circle cut crudely on one face, that has been sellotaped onto a broom handle? See how it features a couple of bits of frayed parcel string salvaged from the bin after I opened my cutlery set that have strung across the entire length of the shambolic assemblage of discarded junk?

That's your guitar, that is. That's your Takamine. That's what you use to put your odes to music that is.

[Karlos]

See a bag of shriveled, dessicated male prepuce, that thanks to some nefarious and no-doubt disciplinable behaviour of a hospital incinerator operator, went missing on their way from a circumcision clinic to be destroyed? The same individual who was previously sticken off as a radiographer and served a prison sentence for having fed patients Polunium rather than Barium and giving them the largest doses of radiation he could  persuade the equipment to deliver, slowly cooking their viscera with his incompetence?

That's your midday snack, that is. That's your bag of "cheesy wotsits".

[Karlos]

@Speel

A friend of mine bought it at a flee market

The kind you want to run away from, ey? ;-)

If they had stuff like that for sale, hardly surprising :lol:

[Karlos]

Oh dear.

We appeared to have strayed somewhat from our brief this evening. If we could return to the subject of "Radicalism and Nationalism in the post World War II era"...

No doubt you have observed the detention centre situated in Guantanamo erected by the US to hold what the government has obliquely categorised as "illegal combatants". Held without charge, denied rights afforded to genuine prisoners of war and hence subject to many alleged incidents of torture and humiliation, this centre has been cited as an example of what a modern day, right leaning administraiton is capable of when it deludes the electorate that it is in their best interest.

Since opening, this insidious place has been subject to several changes of name. Indeed for a time, it was known as Camp X-Ray.

And that's your nickname, that is. They had to change the name when they found out that it was in such common use already, stemming from your Heino days, that you'd copyrighted it and as such were leaving themselves open to copyright infringement litigation.

[Karlos]

You're going to cry.

[Karlos]

Yes, you are. You're blubbing right now.

[Karlos]

X-ray wrote:
You're crying now, aren't you.

I can't. My tearducts are blocked with rheumy crusts due to the great age I have reached...

[Karlos]

X-ray wrote:
See the news crew out filming at your house because a second Niagara Falls has been discovered?
That's you crying, that is.
That's your tears of shame.

Alas no. It was just reported that it was due to a breach in your incontinence pants.

[Karlos]

(actually, I am on the phone :lol:)

You're on the phone, aren't you?

You are, for once, correct in that I am on the phone. The news company has contacted me for background on you over your incontinence pants rupture that has caused Katrina like scenes in your area.

They had to call me for the information, as nobody else knows or cares who you are.

[Karlos]

CannonFodder wrote:
Your mum does it with you, for money.

She gives you your pocket money and you give it right back.

You're going to cry.  Again.

That's from the original material if I'm not mistaken :-D

[Karlos]

X-ray wrote:
He is on the phone, crying. Leave him for a bit. Don't stop him.

Yes, the news researcher has been filling me in on your incontinence pants breach, during our conversation. Tears of laughter are streaming down my cheeks now that I cleaned up the tearducts. I fear I am laughing so hard I may have a seizure. And then I'll look like you trying to dance.

It's the funniest thing you have ever done and you did it by virtue of a humiliating accident. Nothing you ever intended to be amusing ever has been, or ever will be.