The Unofficial Professor F J Lewis Appreciation Thread

[Karlos]

See that chest of drawers over there, hiding in the dusty, urine-stained corner of your room? That antique, delapidated wreck, competing with you in age, general repair and tastelessness? The very same one that you use to store all your best clothing that you only ever wear on special occasions?

That's where I found it, that is. It was by far the smartest thing in there.

[Karlos]

See a two-dimensional projection of the trajectory of a particle exhibiting proper Brownian Motion over a period of time? A tight, meaningless tangle of lines with no discernable order, as unstructured, random and untidy as any observable phenomenon in nature?

That's your best ever handwriting that is. That's your attempt at Copperplate. Even experienced doctors can't read it.

[Karlos]

See Brownian Motion? You thought that was an expression for the self-concious embarresed wriggling exhibited by a person that has just accidentally soiled themselves whilst sitting in public. Which is very surprising, given that you do it so frequently.

[Karlos]

No retort for moi?

I feel neglected.

[Karlos]

I should point out that neither of the characters routinely called each other "sir" ;-)

Then you will no doubt have seen the globular semi-moist vestige of the runt's last bowel movement, forlornly trapped in a few wisps of hair surrounding the pooch's anus. Have you seen that, sir?

I have observed such when visiting your home; mostly on the front of your trousers, usually flattened and smeared by what would appear to be a rhythmical grinding motion. I am at a loss as to the mode of transfer from canine anus to your groinal region. Perhaps you could enlighten us?

See an impoverished, uneducated child from the late 19th century, playing with a charitable gift comprising a set of used wooden alphabet blocks, donated by someone more fortunate? Note carefully that some blocks are missing, resulting in the complete absence of several letters, including "A" and "D". Nonetheless, being illiterate, he arranges the blocks according to the patterns he finds most pleasing, resulting in short strings of garbled nonsense.

That's your word processor that is.

[Karlos]

Be that as it may, professor Lewis, this abacus of which you speak is still too advanced for your use.

See the failures from the ongoing scientific endeavour to determine number awareness and counting skills in animals? Many creatures studied exhibited no evident grasp of the basic concept of numbers of counting, even in the simplest tests.

And that's your level of mathematical understanding, that is. That's why you can't put your trousers on properly; you can't determine how many legs you have.

[Karlos]

That's not what your poodle said.

[Karlos]

@X-Ray

See a body, recovered from the wreckage of a massive warehouse fire at a company producing accelerants? A wizened, carbonized, fragile black husk of the unfortunate victim, utterly dessicated and so extensivley baked as to be unrecognisable as either male or female? Indeed, so corrupted that even the most experienced forensic teams would be hard pressed to identify the remains?

That's one of your patients that is. That's what they end up like after a chest X-Ray with you at the controls.

[Karlos]

I have observed the pulsating mass of flesh at a nearby McDonalds. It was very kind of your brother to offer, but I am afraid I shall have to turn his generous offer down. Women are not easily fooled when it comes to gemstones.

See your John Thomas?

Prove it.

[Karlos]

X-ray wrote:
It is no secret I have one, and indeed I note you are still jealous of that. I'll not stop you being jealous, you can't help it.

Ah, yes. But to which medical cadaver did it originally belong?

Even the most ignorant and misinformed citizen is well aware of the legendary exploits of Professor F J Lewis, the very man with whom you now converse.

This is certainly true at the local kennel club, whereupon there are rumours of serious accusation involving a pedigree poodle.

[Karlos]

See an old "Etch A Sketch", long forgotten and propped up against the eaves in the attic? Discarded after a bored child repeatedly hit it with a brick until the casing cracked, scattering the silvery contents and rendering it useless. Note carefully how the vertical position dial has broken off as a result of the same abuse.

That's your new Plasma Screen Television Set, that is. That's what you sit infront of for hours on end, twiddling the one functioning dial whilst your medication paints the purely imaginary scene of endless repeats that you are trying to change channel from.

[Karlos]

PMC wrote:
You see that crumpled Tesco recipt on the ground, lying decrepit and neglected in the gutter, treated with contempt by passers by?

Did he lose a fight to Sainsbury's "Little Bill" ?

[Karlos]

@X-Ray

You see the list of names below here? That's who is better than me, that is.

I have observed the list, including as it does, Oliver, PMC, CannonFodder, Adz and myself...

See your amiga.org rank?

...

[Karlos]

I think not.

See a large mass of ferrous metal, slightly weathered with distinct reddish brown shades of rust?

That's your understanding of "irony", that is...

[Karlos]

X-ray wrote:
Such large mass of rusting utensils being what you use as cutlery.

Actually, that's your Zimmer Frame, that is. It was brand new looking when you left the house with it when you rushed to the post office to get the one parcel anybody ever sent you. When you got there, you found out the parcel was a new cutlery set, actually addressed to me. Your frame rusted in the time it took you to get there and back, it did, despite a lifetime's manufacturers guarentee.

Do you recall that journey? That was your fastest ever movement since you were 30, that was. That was you training to join the nation's athletics team. That was you hopped up on amphetamines, that was.