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Author Topic: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p  (Read 14486 times)

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Offline iamaboringpersonTopic starter

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically correct' jokes? :-p
« Reply #14 from previous page: June 11, 2004, 02:41:10 AM »
A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing  passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really  love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing  gum." The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got  bronchitis."


Q: What do you call a pissed Arab?
A:Hammed

Q: What do you call a really pissed Arab?
A:Mohammed

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a computer ?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they don't get mistaken for feminists

How do you circumcise a whale?
With four skin divers

What's got two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog!

Q: What's brown and taps at the window
A: A poo on stilts!

What do women have in common

1. What do Jelly and a woman have in common?  They both wiggle when you eat them.

2. What is a Yankee?  The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What do women and condoms have in common?  They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?  Odour eaters.

5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?  A Lickalotopuss.

6. Why do men name their penis?  They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of  their decisions.

7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?  Snowballs.

8. What does a rooster have that a man wants?  A hard pecker.

9. What kind of bees give milk?  Boo bees.

10. What do gay men refer to haemorrhoids as?  Speed bumps.

11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?  They both like a tight seal.

12. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and divers?  Mark Spitz and Greg swallows.

13. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?  If it were more, it would be Hell.

14. What has three teeth and sixty feet?  The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

15. What is the new gay Internet address?  c: enter

16. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?  They're right! We do taste like chicken!

17. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?  The balls are just for decoration.

18. What did the banana say to the vibrator?  What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

19. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?  They have no balls to scratch

20. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?  Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken.

21. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?  About three inches.

22. How do you make a hormone?  Don't pay her.

23. What do you call a gay dinosaur?  A Megasorass.

24. Why did God give women legs?  So they don't leave slug tracks.

25. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?  One..Men will screw anything.

26. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?  One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....  the other is used to carry groceries.

27. What is the mating call of a blonde?  "I'm sooooo drunk!"

28. What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?  Oh look! Doughnut seeds!

29. What does a blonde put behind her ears?  Her legs.

30. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?  Your last blow job....ever!

 

Offline iamaboringpersonTopic starter

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically correct' jokes? :-p
« Reply #15 on: June 11, 2004, 02:48:07 AM »
Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with"

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.



Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior  college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the  organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't  think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents  will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same  question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the  eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I  have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your  lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be  faced with a dreadful disappointment.



A letter from a West Virginian to her daughter

Dear Louanne Ellie Mae:

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
 

Offline iamaboringpersonTopic starter

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #16 on: June 15, 2004, 01:31:22 AM »
Glaucus, if you're such a 'pansy' that you can't handle a few 'politically incorrect' jokes, I don't know why you've come to this thread.

I've only attempted to liven(or brighten) up the place ... up till now it's mostly been "war war war ... bush bush bush ... war war bush ... {bleep} {bleep} {bleep}"

Go out. Leave everybody else in peace.

Quote
Well, I'm not any of those, so I wasn't directly offended. However, I did notice that several of my fellow forum members, some of which happen to be homosexual, did not appreciate the homosexual jokes. Like I said before, these play on old stereotypes, the very same stereotypes some people use to justify fag-bashing. The jokes depicting Jews as cheap and obsessed with money are exactly the same stereotypes the Nazis exploited to justify their "final solution" to the "Jewish problem". Perhaps you feel these stereotypes truly are harmless, I'm trying to tell you that they are not.

Dude, I'm a self admitted 'homophobe', but even so, I left out some of the more 'coarse' of the 'anti-gay' jokes I found. Some I thought were (as much as I appreciated them - and found them funny) a little inappropriate.

I say these stereotypes ARE harmless.  (BTW Why do you say they're not?)

One of the very people who emails the 'blonde jokes' that I occasionally post, is a follower of Judaism. She is a truely wonderful person.

This Jewish woman is probably the only person to have visited me besides my mother and the real-estate agent. She even sends me gift vouchers!

I'm sure that if the jokes were that bad, SHE should surely be offended by some of the stereotypes. But she's not.


I don't particually like the 'dumb blonde' part of the 'blonde jokes'. Even so, I think they're rather cleaver - and funny, and so I post them.

AND I LOVE BLONDES.


Same thing goes with some of the Irish and Asian jokes for example...

I know a person from Ireland - she's a nice person. SHE can tollerate Irish jokes.

(I don't know how much this might matter, however:) I have Irish ancestors, I have Chinese ancestors. I like many of these jokes.


Just so long as the jokes aren't particually hateful or crude, I think they're worth posting.


Or, perhaps we'll just stick to the old fashioned:

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Water.

Water who?

What are you doing?
 

Offline iamaboringpersonTopic starter

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #17 on: June 15, 2004, 05:43:09 AM »
Quote
Now thats what I call funny...in a Liberal "Politically Correct" world
Dude, decapitalise that 'L' in liberal! :-o
 

Offline iamaboringpersonTopic starter

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #18 on: June 15, 2004, 05:49:02 AM »
Question: What is the difference between Carville and a catfish?
Answer: One?s a scum sucking bottom dweller and ones a fish.

Question: What?s the difference between Carville and a bald monkey?
Answer: A sports jacket.

Question: If you were in a room with Hitler, Mussolini and Carville and you only had two bullets what should you do?
Answer: Shoot Carville twice.

Question: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and Carville?
Answer: One has a Radio Show and is the most listened to in America and the other is a loud mouth bald liberal looser.

Question: Why can?t liberals find facts?
Answer: They aren?t looking for any.

Question: How do liberals brain cells die?
Answer: Lonely.

Question: How do you confuse a liberal?
Answer: You don?t, they are born that way

Question: If Hillary, Bill and all the liberals are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
Answer: We do.

Question: What?s the difference between an Iraq terrorist and a liberal?
Answer: The Iraq terrorist makes fewer demands.

Question: What?s the difference between liberals and cow pies?
Answer: Cow pies stop stinking after awhile

Question: Did you hear about the new liberal agenda.
Answer: They got two hands in your front pocket and two in you back pockets.

Question: What?s the definition of a liberal genius?
Answer: A liberal who can count all 50 states.

Question: What do you get when you cross a Jackass with an onion?
Answer: A whinny Liberal.

Question: How is being at a Democrat convention different from being at the circus?
Answer: At the circus the clowns don?t beg and whine at you.

Question: How many Liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: It takes ten, nine to deny that darkness exists and one to hire a Republican to change it.

Question: How much does a Liberal cost?
Answer: Nothing, Liberals have no values.

Question: How many chromosomes does a Liberal have?
Answer: Only 45, they are missing the ?Truth Acceptance Chromosome.?

Question: What is the difference between Liberalism and Communism?
Answer: The Communist admit it.

Question: How high can a Liberal?s I-Q go?
Answer: Only as high as the Liberal Spin they receive.

Question: Why do Liberals lie?
Answer: It comes natural

Question: What is a Liberal?s primary ?feeling??
Answer: Envy.

Question: What is a sure way to teach a Liberal to fetch?
Answer: Tie Bill Clinton?s picture to a stick and throw it.

Question: Why do flies fly over Liberals heads?
Answer: They have crap for brains.

Question: How can you tell a group of Liberals?
Answer: They are the ones burning the American Flag.

Question: How can you tell a group of Liberals?
Answer: They are the ones burning the Constitution

Question: What is the difference between a Liberal and a bucket of old cheese?
Answer: The bucket

Question: What is the difference between giving to the poor and giving to Liberals?
Answer: The poor don?t follow you around for three weeks whining for more.

Question: Why did God make Liberal smarter than rats?
Answer: He didn?t.

Question: How do you drown a Liberal?
You paint Bill Clinton?s face at the bottom of a pool.

Question: Why do Liberals like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.

Question: Why is it so hard for Liberals to make eye contact?
Answer: Clinton?s rear doesn?t have eyes.

Question: Why is it so hard for Liberals to see?
Answer: There are no lights in Clinton?s rear.

Question: How can you tell between cow pies and Liberals?
Answer: You Can?t.
 

Offline iamaboringpersonTopic starter

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Re: Who's up for some 'politically incorrect' jokes? :-p
« Reply #19 on: June 15, 2004, 05:56:36 AM »
A man bellies up to a bar muttering,"asshole democrats".
A guy next to him says, "Hey I take offense to that".
The man says, "Why, are you a democrat".
No the guy says "I'm an asshole".


The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!"


Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".



Environmentalists are like watermelons. Green on the outside, red on the inside!


Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.


In an article on Northern Ireland, the political party Sinn Fein was described as the political wing of the IRA. I guess that makes the Democratic Party the political wing of the IRS.


A Democrat and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them.
Do you have lunch or go to a movie?


Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.


Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.


Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.


SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and gives you milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and sells you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both, kills one, and spills the milk in the sewage system.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.



Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a conservative Democrat, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.


Q: What's the difference between Al Gore and a slab of formica?
A: Absolutely nothing.


News Flash: Al Gore was admitted to a hospital yesterday in Washington. Sources tell us that termites thought that Al Gore was an old bed post.


President Clinton plans to reduce the budget deficit by an appeal to sacrifice. The problem, however, is that every time he gets near a virgin...


Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a snake?
A: One is spineless, has a forked tongue and is a threat to humans. The other is a reptile


THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION: "BRINGING WASHINGTON TO ITS KNEES"


Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.


Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.


Q: Why do the Kennedy's cry during sex?
A: Mace


"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated."


Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.


Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job.

A man is walking near a lake when he sees Bill Clinton in a sinking boat. He can either save Bill Clinton or take a picture that would earn him the Pulitzer Prize. The question is... Which lense does he use?

:-P
 

Offline iamaboringpersonTopic starter

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