Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Wilse]

Vincent wrote:
This thread should be renamed "Groaner's Corner" :-P

Done! :pint:

13 pages? What on earth have I started here? :lol:

[Wilse]

Sod being a lawyer round these parts!

 :-D

[Wilse]

Vincent wrote:

Wilse wrote:
Sod being a lawyer round these parts!

 :-D

Sod being a lawyer :-D

I dunno. When I was a kid Peprocelli(sp?) was a hero of mine.
I wouldn't mind their wages either.

Having said that, they can be complete c*nts.
When I split up with my ex, we had to reach a settlement over ownership of the flat we had. We agreed I'd give her some cash & keep the flat. She let this slip to her lawyer, who started sending me threatening letters and charging her £25 every time he did so (this was nearly 10 years ago). I must've received about four or five of them before she persuaded him to stop.

[Wilse]

@Karlos:

:lol:

That's the best one in ages, mate.

Laughed out loud at that.

[Wilse]

OK, here's an old one and it's a groaner too. It may well have been posted here before so apologies in advance.
Apologies also to any Scousers - no offence intended.   ;-)
--
Subject: SCOUSE EGGS


Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Liverpool to  Manchester on a motorbike. They break down and start to hitchhike. A friendly trucker stops  to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows, however, he is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he is late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave.

The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They  manage
to squeeze themselves and their motorbike in  the back of  the wagon; the driver closes the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late, so he puts his foot down.  Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with heavy sarcasm "Scouse eggs".
The policeman does not believe this and wants to take a look in the back. He opens the back door, takes a look, shuts it and locks it straightaway.
He rushes back to his car, gets on the radio and calls for  immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon containing 20,000 Scouse eggs, so far two have hatched and the b*stards have managed to nick a motorbike already".
--
:roll:

[Wilse]

Another groaner:
--
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
 
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.

Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........
 
BUMP........

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned around, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
 
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
 
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it came......


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........









The coffin stopped.

--
I know. :roll:

[Wilse]

Q. What do you get if you cross Tina Turner with an Orangutan?

A. A F*cking ugly Orangutan.

 :-P

[Wilse]

Just got this:
-edit-
missed out the opening sentence...
--
Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and get somewhat
inebriated.

Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no
public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both
ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves.

After they had finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe
herself and then threw them away,  The other woman realising she was
wearing some very expensive knickers didn't want to throw hers away and so
looked around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a
nearby wreath.

So now, feeling better they carried on with their stagger home.

The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on
the phone.  One commented "I think we need to start keeping a closer eye
on our wives you know.  I reckon they're up to no good.  My wife came home
last night without any knickers on!"

The other one replied, "Tell me about it! If you think that's bad, my wife
came home home with a card stuck to her fanny that read "All the members
at the Country Fire Brigade will never forget you".

[Wilse]

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

:lol:

Nice one.

[Wilse]

UK Press cutting:
--
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has  been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
--

 :-P

[Wilse]

I've heard this one before so it's probably been posted here already but here goes anyway:

--
A geezer sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog forSale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a f*cking liar. He's never done any of that stuff"
--
Sorry.

[Wilse]

From today's metro:

"Don't ever buy a dwarf with learning difficulties - it's not big and it's not clever!"
 :-P

[Wilse]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.  "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said, "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,  Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring  war  on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation,  "there is myself, my  cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire hurling team from the pub. That makes sixteen!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you,  Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Jaysus!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,  and four boys from O'Hanlon's Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin',Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no fookin way we can feed two million prisoners." !

[Wilse]

Husband Shopping Centre.......

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dublin, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return...
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.
When they got to the first floor they saw a sign on the door that said "These men have good jobs and love kids". the women read the sign and said, "Well that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up??? So up they went...
On the second floor the sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking". Hmmmm..... said the ladies but I wonder what's further up???
So up they went again....
The third floor sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework". WOW!!!! went the women, very tempting BUT there's more further up let's go...
On the fourth floor the sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework AND are amazing lovers".
"Oh mercy, mercy me!!!!"! went the women "Imagine what must be waiting further up...
So, up to the fifth floor they went....

When they got to the fifth floor, the sign on the door said
"This floor is empty and exists only to prove a point that women are f*cking impossible to please."

[Wilse]

Here's another i just received:

Think you engineering types might like this one...
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from
a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."

[Wilse]

And another:
--
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.