At least 22 chavs suffered crush injuries and heat exhaustion as a
6,000-strong crowd of scum forced a new Pikea superstore to close on its
opening night.
Subaru Imprezas were abandoned on London's busy North Circular road and
chavs were flat-packed in the chaos which ensued after the council estate
furniture store opened its doors at midnight.
The new outlet in Edmonton, the biggest Pikea in England, was due to trade
for a full 24 hours, with a programme of special offers and entertainment.
But the store was forced to shut up shop within 45 minutes due to an
"unforeseen volume of proles".
Emergency services were called and six pikeys were taken to hospital,
including a dole scrounger suffering chest pains.
A Pikea spokeswoman said that it was decided to close for the safety of the
chavs and human staff, and the store would remain shut until further
notice. She denied that the stabbing victim had been injured in the store,
and said it was a separate incident that was totally typical of the crappy
locale and the even crappier locals.
She added: "Pikea are deeply shocked, upset and concerned at what occurred.
The sight of 7,000 howling chavs is one I never want to see again. Dear
God. Pikea take the safety and security of Sharons and its employees very
seriously at all times."
Assistant Divisional Officer William Bird of the London Fire Brigade, who
was called to the scene, said that he had never seen anything like the
chaos. "Fire crews arrived at the Pikea store in Meridien Way to find
severe traffic congestion and many thousands of riff raff trying to get in
to the new store."
Customised Novas, Renaults, and Mark 3 Ford Escorts had been abandoned on
the North Circular road, as plebs rushed to the shop on trainered foot in
order to arrive in time to stab each other over poorly-made crap - such as
a leather sofa for £45 - which Pikea couldn't shift at full price.
The fire crews were hampered in arriving at the scene of the trouble by the
sheer number of delocked, lowered, pearlescent Ford Orions blocking the
road.
"Proles were really trying to get into the store and surrounding car parks,
and that caused an enormous problem not to mention an overwhelming stench
of Old Spice and Anais Anais," continued ADO Bird.
"Plebs were injured, and we assisted the ambulance service in administering
euthanasia. There were crush injuries and riff raff in shock as a result of
the pushing and shoving and general chav behaviour there. The ambulance
service were the first on the scene because of the reports of injuries. We
went along accompanied by the plod about 1am, after the opening, and once
the extent of the problems had been realised. We thought about calling in
air strikes to do the job properly at one point."
Witnesses said that some chavs had been queueing for 10 hours, from
yesterday lunchtime, in order to be sure of getting a really cheap piece of
{bleep}. The offers included three-seater leather sofa Oelf for
£45 until 3am, double bed frame Sknuoerk for £30 between 3am and 8am, and
plywood side skirts Liam, fitting any car worth less than £300, for £1.50.
A London Ambulance Service spokesman said today that nine ambulances, one
rapid response car, four officers and an emergency control vehicle were
sent to the scene. Six Barries were taken to North Middlesex and Whipps
Cross hospitals.
"Of these, Connor had been stabbed and Liam was experiencing chest pains,"
said the spokesman. "The four other Darrens were understood to have
sustained a range of minor injuries."
A spokeswoman for Scotland Yard confirmed a Kevin in his 20s was stabbed in
the area - not the store - at 1.30am. His condition is not thought to be
life-threatening, unfortunately.
Barry Milroy-Sloan, a local chav who like a lot of chavs lives in Edmonton,
told GMTV that the whole event was unnerving. "At around 10pm the staff
disappeared and slowly but steadily feral greed descended on Darren," he
said. "A lot of Barries turned up just before midnight.
They pushed their way into the crowd and started queuing at different
parts. The staff just could not handle it."
Desiree Bird, 41, predictably from Enfield, north London, said: "There were
no police and hardly any security guards. The security man I was next to
looked like Michael Caine just before the first big attack in 'Zulu'. He
was white as a ghost, he didn't know what to do. There was another security
man in a fluorescent jacket who was lying on the floor with body-pierced
people trampling on him and there were feral children who should have been
in bed 5 hours ago there as well."
Fortunately everything in Pikea is made of fibreboard and MDF, so nobody
suffered any splinter injuries falling over onto nasty shoddily-made
furniture.
Merrison Gittens, 48, unsurprisingly from Luton, said that Darrens had
repeatedly warned security guards that the Waynes were likely to storm the
store. He said the surge appeared to have been caused by a store worker who
told some scum in the car park that they had no chance of getting a sofa
and would certainly die poor.
